Worker Bee
by lookingatthepieces
Summary: An alternate universe where Dean and Castiel are just two normal people. Well, as normal as a mental health patient and the brother of a mental health patient can be. A tragic event has caused Sam to be sent to a mental health hospital where he makes friends with an odd ball named Castiel. What the three don't know is their fates are more intertwined then they might think.
1. Ch 1 One Egg Short of Scrambled

_Introduction: I've always wanted to do an alternate universe type story and this one was just to good to pass up. I have had personal experience with mental illness and being in a mental hospital. It's a very strange experience and it can be really tough, I wanted desperately to write about one since I got back from one. For one they aren't evil like most people think (though in the 50's there were some pretty messed up places). Hospitals and mental health are two very misunderstood subjects, I feel that more people should learn what they're like. Also I've got to say, I'm a sucker for Dean and Castiel as a couple.  
_

_The story is rate M for mature mostly for violence and strong language. I don't play on writing any sex because I don't know (I'm not really sure if I'm good at it), but who knows. It all depends on where the story goes. Emotional abuse (really any kind of abuse) can effect a person more then most people know, I wanted to be able to incorporate that into this story. I myself have been a victim of abuse and I know others who have as well, as always I appreciate any reviews.  
_

_AU: Dean's thirteen year old brother has been diagnosed with a case of schizophrenia. He spends a lot of his time in the hospital waiting on little Sammy. When he's there, he meets Castiel a young man with a bad past. Then their love story begins.  
_

* * *

Ch. 1 One Egg Short of Scrambled

Dean shifted in his car seat. He knew this trip was going to be tough, though he'd never admit it out loud. His mother Mary smiled gently, twisting the keys in the ignition. "Are you ready to go see Sam?" she asked, picking up on Dean's uneasy aura. His mother was strange like that, she always seemed to be able to read people's feelings. Sometimes its was a blessing but mostly Dean just thought of it as a curse. She always seemed to know when something was bothering him or when he was doing something he shouldn't be.

'A mother's intuition.' she would say. He didn't believe a word of it, maybe she could just read minds.

Dean merely shrugged his shoulders in response. Mary let out a soft sigh, "Dean, Sam's going to get better. I promise."

"I know." he responded weakly as the 1967 Chevy Impalla pulled out of the driveway. The car was his but his mom drove it whenever they went somewhere together. One of the few things that his father left behind when he passed. Dean watched as the scenery passed him by, tree's and people on sidewalks. Though the street's of Lawrence weren't exactly what you would call 'crowded'. Dean reached over and cranked up the radio, his mother's silence was really bothering him.

He sank lower into his seat as they pulled up to the hospital, or 'the looney bin' as he liked to call it. Dean never called it that when his mom was listening but in his in own mind that's what it seemed like. They parked the car and sat for a long moment before Mary began to speak, "Now I know that things are tough right now with Sam. So please don't mention anything about voices or Lucifer, okay Dean?"

"I know mom." he said simply. She let out a small smile, it was pained and forced but at least she was trying. Dean knew that it must be hard for her, to have your own son in a mental hospital for hallucinations and delusions, he was only thirteen years old but the schizophrenia had already set in. They were working on getting him medicated but in the meantime the hospital was the best place for little Sammy.

The two got out, Mary shutting her door carefully and Dean slamming his. Mary gave him a quick glance and he shrugged his shoulders, it was an accident. They headed up to the front desk and the nurses greeted them from behind a glass window.

Dean looked around the lobby, no one was there. Posters about optimism and the importance of communication lined the walls. Dean shifted on his feet, the whole atmosphere was stale and wrong but he wanted desperately to see his baby brother. That didn't mean he had to like it here, he'd seen _Cuckoo's Nest _and since then places like this made him uneasy. The white walls felt suffocating and stagnate, like nothing here ever really changed.

"Come on Dean honey." his mother's voice broke him out of his daze, he shuffled behind. They entered the elevator and Dean felt a lump get stuck in his throat. Large almost square doors swung open. Dean wondered to himself why the doors were so oddly shaped.

They were greeted with the sight of nurses and patients shuffling up and down long corridors. They passed by the day room, up to Sam's room.

205

Mary let out a big smile. "Sam. Honey." she say in her gentle mother voice. Sam whipped around and paused. He observed his mother and brother as if they were foreign to him. He blinked a few times and life returned to his eyes. It was as if someone had flipped a switch in his brain.

"Mom!" he said happily standing up to hug Mary. "Hi. How are you?"

"Good Sam. How are you doing honey?"

"A little better lately. The doctors are saying that I might get to go home in a few weeks. Though they aren't sure. Maybe we could get some mattresses and build something. Maybe. Where would we find the pillows though. They may not have enough here and-"

"Sam, don't you want to say hi to Dean? He's here too." she said softly bringing Sam's focus back.

"Dean!" Sam jumped up and hugged his older brother. Dean relished the feeling, it was nice to be hugged. One thing about Sam that hadn't changed, he still gave the same cute, little brother hugs.

"Hey Sammy." Dean broke away and ruffled his brother's hair. A soft noise interrupted the moment, from the other side of the curtain.

"Oh!" Sam jumped to his feet and pulled the curtain away. A young man sat on the bed staring out the window, his hair was a dark brown and his eyes a icy blue. He had on the usual hospital get up, though they let him wear this big tan trench coat. Presumably it didn't have any strings or zippers on it. "This is Castiel, he's my roommate now."

"Hello Castiel." Mary said politely.

"Castiel, this is my mom and my brother Dean." Sam said happily, but still Castiel stayed staring out the window. His eyes seemed to be focused on something but no one was really sure what it was. "Mom I wanna show you something!" Sam grabbed Mary's hand and pulled her.

"Dean honey we'll be right back." she said calmly as Sam dragged his mother out of the room.

Dean shifted left alone with someone who didn't even seem to be present in the room. He walked over and sat down in the only chair in the room. He watched as Castiel stared, 'Does he ever blink?' Dean wondered to himself.

"Uh... hey. I'm Dean." Dean said slowly.

"I know." Castiel replied robotically. He didn't turn to look at Dean either.

'This guy is pissing me off.' Dean thought to himself.

"So... Cas-"

"Castiel."

"Relax it's just a nickname. Your name's a bitch to pronounce." Dean said simply. "Anyway, Cas-"

"Castiel." he corrected swiftly again.

"Casteil?" Dean blundered.

"Castiel."

"Castel." Castiel let out a sigh.

"Cas."

"Thank you. So Cas, why are you in here?" Castiel didn't say anything. "Oooooooookay. Are you gonna talk to me at all?"

"I have nothing to say."

"I just asked you a question. You could answer." Dean said simply.

"That's quite nosy of you."

"Why won't you look at me?"

"Is it required?" Cas said apathetically.

"It's just common courtesy... You know what forget it."

"Alright."

Dean let out a sigh. "You know you're impossible."

"I am... sorry?"

Dean stood up slowly and walked over sitting on the bed next to Castiel. Castiel turned closely looking at Dean confused quickly. "Uh... so what do you like?" The brown haired angel stared like a lost puppy. Dean sighed. "It's okay. Sam's my baby brother, he has some issues and I just wanted to make sure that he'll be okay rooming with you."

"I like... bees, flowers, animals, especially farm animals and birds, uh... board games..."

"Ah."

"Your brother, he's a nice person. Very... gentle but also very sweet."

"He's been through a lot. Doctors say that when dad passed away it... triggered the schizophrenia. The stress of it caused him to go into this big episode where he says he sees ghosts and this guy named Lucifer-"

"Like the devil?" Castiel said shifting his eyes back to the outside.

"...yeah..." Dean said slowly, "...be careful about it sometimes when he hears that name he flips out... Understand that if you hurt him, I will find you. He's my little brother and as my mom says, 'I'd go to hell and back to protect little Sammy'."

"I... understand."

"Just so we're clear." Dean says simply.


	2. Ch 2 A Lifeless Ordinary

Ch. 2 A Lifeless Ordinary

The alarm clock was more unwelcome then normal on this particular morning. Dean groaned loudly, rolling to his side and reaching clumsily for the beeping device. However like most mornings his hand seemed to find every other object on his night stand before he found the thing he was looking for. He slammed down on the snooze button just to shut the thing up, then he picked it up and turned off the alarm.

_I hate construction._ Dean thought to himself.

Since his dad passed, money at the Winchester house had been tight. With Sam's medical expenses piling up Dean had taken on a job as a construction worker to help pay the bills. His mother Mary was a teacher during the school year and now doubling as a waitress for the summer and even when school came around she said she might keep the job but only work nights.

Dean hated it.

He didn't want his mom to have to work so hard, but he didn't really have a choice. Paying for medication and a stay in the hospital was difficult. Dean was considering taking up a second job so she wouldn't have to work so hard but every time he brought it up Mary would shoot him down. 'Dean honey, it's your senior year. It's bad enough that you're going to spend it worrying about your baby brother. I don't want you to have all the responsibility. I don't want you to be under that much pressure, you should go out with a bang! You don't know what you want to with your life and that's okay. We can work together to save you some money so in a few years you can go to college if you want to. For now though, I only want you to work one job. Well actually if it was up to me, you wouldn't have any jobs. But... you're an adult now and I can't stop you from making the choices you want to make. If you want to work, you're going to work. You're driven, just like your father.'

The truth was Dean was only driven because it was to help Sam and his mom. He had no direction in life. No idea of what to do with the future, everyone always said that he could do anything he wanted to do. He could be anyone he wanted to be but the truth was, every time he pictured the future he came up blank. He didn't want to be anyone else, he didn't have an ambitions, no goals for his life. He lived for his family. He lived to help the people he cared about be happy.

Society told him that he was wrong for feeling that way. He couldn't help it. This was all he had. All he had was Sammy and Mary. He didn't have any friends worth mentioning, every girlfriend he ever had was to blow off steam. There was never anyone who made him feel like he was worth dating. He may pretend to be a cocky jackass but in truth he was the opposite.

A lonely kid who had no self concept, no future, and not a hint of self esteem. No one knew and as far as he was concerned that was okay, no one needed to know about the inferiority complex that was brewing in the back of this teenagers mind.

Dean rolled over, kicking his feet off of the side of the bed. He let out a loud yawn and stretched out. He stood up and headed for the bathroom, his mom was already at work and with Sammy gone he was alone. No need to worry about the fact that he slept in his boxers that he wasn't quite decent.

The teen hit the shower on looking himself over in the mirror. "God, I look like crap." he mumbled to himself rubbing his chin. The truth was he was having trouble sleeping, he was so worried about Sammy and his mom that sometimes he just couldn't get his mind to slow down. "Good morning Dean waste of space Winchester." he sighed. No one ever saw him this way. No one knew this was who he was behind the mask and that was just the way he wanted it.

After his shower Dean made himself breakfast, two eggs and some toast. He actually burnt the toast because he left it in too long but he decided it wasn't worth throwing away so he ate it anyway. A little charcoal never hurt anybody. He threw on his work boots and grabbed his keys heading for the car.

"Just another day in paradise." he said as he twisted the keys and backed out of the driveway.

He took the long way to work since he had some extra time. He took in the scene as he drove and wished that instead of working today he could take Sam to the park. That was impossible of course but it was still more appealing then spending all day being a grunt fixing a road, while angry drivers flipped him off as they passed. Sometimes he just wanted to scream, 'Screw you jackass.' or 'Yeah screw you too.' but he never did. The last thing he wanted was to get fired.

He drove up and parked a ways away, didn't want his baby getting scratched or dinged. He had the usual jabs with his coworkers. Dean got a lot of grief from his coworkers because he was the youngest employee.

After a long day of work, Dean decided to swing by the hospital to see if Sam needed anything...

"Ey' Sammy. How's my little brother?" Dean asked pulling up the only chair in the room.

"I'm doing okay. I think the medicine is starting to work." Sam said with a smile. "Plus Castiel is keeping me company, he may not seem like it but he really is fun to talk to. Mostly because he has this awkwardness to him, like he doesn't really understand what's going on half the time."

"Noticed that one. Speaking of, where is blue eyes?"

"Blue eyes?"

"Yeah. I dunno his eyes seem to stand out quite a bit." Dean said with a shrug.

"Maybe I'll start calling him that." Sam said pausing for an unusual amount of time, "Anyway, he's in the day room. So far he seems to spend a lot of time in there, I think it has the best view for him. He's quite knowledgeable about birds and... bees..."

"Birds and bees Sammy?"

"Shut up Dean."

"You said it not me." Dean laugh, it was the first sincere laugh he'd had all day.

"How's mom?" Sam asked bringing the mood back down.

Dean let out a soft sigh, "Overworking herself. She seems happy though, so I guess that it's okay. I think working helps her to keep her mind off of things." Sam nodded slowly.

"How are you?" Sam asked while giving Dean a soul piercing stare.

"I'm fine Sam. Really." Dean said quickly. A soft knock on the door interrupted the conversation and gave Dean a much needed pass.

"Sam. The doctor needs to speak with you." the cute blonde nurse commented with a smile.

"Oh alright. I'll be back." Sam left Dean alone with his thoughts.

Dean glanced out the window watching the warm summers breeze blow a flag around. He wasn't sure why but when it was breezy like this it reminded him of storms. Dean loved storms, more then anything. He found the sound of rain hammering away at the roof top soothing. His dad would always tell him stories about Greek gods and how they controlled the rain and the floods. John told him a lot of different stories about the supernatural.

Even if it was all fictional, those were some of his most fond memories of his father. Dean loved his father more then anything but his father could be overbearing, demanding, frustrating, and impossible. Though Dean didn't want to admit such things, he felt that might make him a bad son. The truth was that John Winchester put a lot of pressure on Dean to be a man, to take care of Sam, and always do what he said. It was frustrating, sometimes Dean felt that he was only the way he was because that's the type of man his father _wanted _him to be.

The thing was sometimes Dean wondered if he could even have an original thought. He didn't need anything else piling onto load of issues that he already had with himself. He sighed. The flag whipped against the pole outside and bird passed by the window. His musing was interrupted when a low voice pierced his very thoughts, sending a shiver down his spine.

"Hello Dean."

"Cas."

"Yes?"

"What are you doing here?"

"It is... my room. Why would I not be here?" Castiel questioned as he made his way over to his bed.

"Good point." Dean said awkwardly.

"Where is Sam, I assume you're here to see him? It seems strange for you to just be here."

"Uh he's with a nurse or a doctor I think..." Dean said with a shrug.

"I see." Castiel commented offhandedly. The conversation seemed to elude them after. Dean took the time after to observe Castiel's profile from a distance. Dean traced his along his jaw pattern and up the face. His features were sharper then most people. Though he did have a very strong angular jaw. He followed up to the lips. They were nice and full for a boy, very kissable, _he must have the girls lining up to kiss him._There was a gentle five o'clock shadow, which made sense since they aren't allowed to have razors. Dean followed up though he felt himself wanting to simply stay on his lips. His nose was a nice size, not to big not to small, though it did turn up slightly more then the normal person.

Castiel's eyes had a nice almond shape, with a deep ice blue color. It reminded Dean of winter, after the first snow when you walk outside and see those newly formed icicles that hang from the roof. Sometimes the sunlight would hit them just right and they'd glow and sparkle just a bit while they dripped just a little. Dean could watch those icicles melt for hours from his bedroom window, sometimes near Christmas he would do just that. The one problem with eyes like those was they were piercing as if they were staring right into your soul. As if with just one look they could know everything about you, those kind of eyes should be feared. Yet, he only felt drawn to them.

"Sapphires." Dean mumbled aloud.

"What?" Cas said turning quickly to look at Dean.

"Your eyes. That's what they remind me of. Light blue sapphires."

"Oh." Castiel paused, Dean looked away.

"That sounded way less fabulously gay in my head." Dean said trying to break up the heavy awkwardness. It was like Sam said earlier he just had this awkwardness about him. Sadly that awkwardness was leaking out of him and into the room, making keeping a conversation alive a losing battle. "You know never mind." Dean said trying to back up to cover his tracks.

"Emeralds." Castiel's voice rang out with a slight hesitation.

"What was that Cas?" Dean asked calmly.

"If my eyes are sapphires, yours are emeralds."

"Ah. Are you saying they're pretty then? Eh? You think I'm cute?" Dean jabbed. "Now whose flaming?"

"I am merely responding to your comparison. Though I suppose if I had to say yes, your eyes are very pretty since emeralds are very pretty." Cas responded robotically.

"You know you're no fun to pick on. Can't you get all 'Japanese school girl flustered' every once and a while?" the teen complained.

"I don't understand that reference."

"You're precious Cas."

"Precious?"

"Yup. You are just one of a kind." Dean said exacerbated.

"I enjoy your company as well." Cas responded in a simple manner.

* * *

_Whew. This was quite the chapter. Gotta say I had to sit and stare at a picture of Misha Collins for like... twenty minutes to figure out how I wanted to describe him. Not that that was such a bad thing he is a very attractive man. I really enjoyed writing Dean's little space out moment where he's describing Castiel. A little more Sam and Dean interaction in this chapter we definitely see that brother bonding but also that Sam knows that Dean has a problem but at the same time Dean just wants to worry about Sam's problems. _

_We also get a lot of insight into Dean's character, most of which is stuff I picked up from watching Supernatural. The first time I watched the show I watched for the plot, the second time that I started going over it, it was more for characterization. I really do think that Dean Winchester is a very helpless person on the inside. I think that he has a lot of self esteem issues and a lot of pain. Even if this is alternate universe I think that the pressure that Dean's father put on him (hunter or not) would cause a lot of these things. Just saying.  
_

_The title of this chapter, 'A Lifeless Ordinary' comes from the song A Lifeless Ordinary by Motion City Soundtrack. If you get the chance you should go check it out I think it works well for Dean as a character. Also the name of this story comes off of the same album. Worker Bee is a song off the album My Dinosaur Life. A lot of this story is semi inspired by that album. Also after I was in the hospital it was one of the albums that I had on constant repeat. I suggest you check it out if you've got time.  
_

_Shameless promotion is now over.  
_

_Anyway thank you for all of the followers of this story. It was nice to check today and see that already 8 people were waiting for updates! Thanks to anyone who gave a review. Hope to get more. Like I said thanks so very, very much!  
_

_See you in the next chapter.  
_


	3. Ch 3 I Said it's Sam

Ch. 3 I Said it's Sam

The wake up call in the mornings were always annoying. See the first time the nurses would wake you up to check your blood pressure, at six in the morning. That's right six. They would pull you out of bed just to check your blood pressure. Sam hated that about the hospital, they couldn't do it at breakfast or any other time, no, it had to be six in the morning. Though as long as you had decent luck you would get the nurses who were better about waking people up. See, most of the nurses were perky and gentle about waking you up, they didn't want to be rude so they would lightly shake you or talk in a calm voice. That was fine, except the whole six in the morning part, but there was one nurse who was neither gentle or perky. Either Sam had bad luck or Castiel had bad luck because she always seemed to be the nurse waking them up. She had a fire about her, if Dean had spent more then five minutes around her he would say she was a real 'pain in the ass'. Though that was the difference between Sam and Dean. Sam always tried to be polite to people, even if he didn't really like them.

"Wake up sunshine." a sarcastic voice cackled.

_Every Morning there's a heartache hanging_  
_ from the corner of my girlfriend's four-post bed_  
_ I know it's not mine and I know she thinks she loves me_  
_ but I never can believe what she said _

The preteen rolled over, this happened every morning. Every single one, his hallucinations found another way to wake him up. Sometimes it was playing music loudly, always a different song. Or once Lucifer threw fire crackers around his bed, that was quite the jolt. The worst was when he shouted military cadences through a megaphone. No matter how he was woken up it was always unpleasant, the doctors thought he was getting better; right.

Sam groaned, feeling heavy and tired, having just woken up. His eyelids lifted reluctantly, Sam hated the mornings. Though it was nothing new, he always seemed to have trouble waking up in the mornings. However, having trouble waking up could be attributed to being a preteen, most of them don't sleep right. He was greeted by his pale nurse, her brownish black hair in nice little rings, framing her face. Even if Sam didn't like her that much, he had to admit she was a nice sight after just waking up. As a thirteen year old boy being woken up be an attractive woman was great, even if she was kind of a bitch. She wore pink scrubs, her name tag said 'Meg Masters' on it.

"Meg." Sam said weakly.

"Like I said, morning sunshine. You know the drill, fork over your arm." Meg said impatiently.

"That was you?" Sam complained as he lifted his arm up. Meg only shrugged, didn't seem to bothered by the question even though she probably should have been alarmed. _I wonder how she manages to keep herself from getting fired. _Sam thought to himself. Then he heard Castiel shift in his bed, "Castiel you up over there?"

"You know her bedside manner kind of stinks." Lucifer cracked, sitting down on the windowsill across the room. Sam shot him a quick glare but then realized he shouldn't be reacting. He withdrew his attention quickly turning back to Meg who was giving him a questioning look.

"Yes." Cas groaned.

"You two are just a barrel of fun in the morning aren't you?" Meg smiled, though it really was more like a smirk. "Alrighty Sammy your blood pressure is normal, good for you. Gold star Clarence."

_When are people gonna get it through their heads that only Dean and my mom are allowed to call me Sammy?_

"Yeah Sammy you tell her." Lucifer jabbed, running his finger along the windowsill and observing the dust that collected.

"It's Sam-" he started.

"Only Dean calls him Sammy." Castiel finished. Sam smiled at Castiel's statement, at least someone caught the message.

"Aw. He's sticking up for you. How very... sweet."

Meg rolled her eyes at Castiel's comment and ignored the voice that was only present in Sam's head. She reached for Sam's arm and started unhooking Sam from the device. The she stood up and started moving the cart over Cas. Her footsteps were clunky and loud because of the clogs, she didn't seem to eager to respond to Sam and Cas. In fact it kind of seemed like she wanted to get on with it. Though Meg did always seem really impatient. Or maybe that was just Sam's impression.

_I wonder what she's like when she has to wait in traffic?  
_

"Good question Sammy." the devil sneered, walking over and plopping himself down on the end of Sam's bed.

"Alright your turn handsome." Meg smiled, reaching for Castiel's arm. Her statement had caused a little rosiness in his cheeks which Sam quickly noted. Though he supposed if Meg ever called him handsome he'd probably blush too. Then she realized Cas was still wearing a trench coat, "Can you take that off? More importantly, do you sleep in that thing?"

"Yes I sleep in it and I'd really rather not. It's important to me. I don't like to not be wearing it. It feels like a part of me, like I'd feel naked without it." Cas offered.

_He feels naked without a trench coat?_ Sam wondered to himself. _I wonder why it's so important to him? I could ask but I don't think that he would tell me. _Sam turned to the ceiling staring blankly, he let out a soft sigh.

"There's a thought." Lucifer smiled.

"Fine." Meg sighed rolling up Castiel's sleeve. Castiel held still as she turned the machine on. As Sam watched, he was again struck by how absolutely weird Castiel was.

_The guy can't go without his trench coat, even right now he looks uncomfortable without it on the way it's normally on. He also looks absolutely distressed by Meg's presence it seems strange. Though she does have a very dominant air to her and I guess that could intimidate him. Still the whole things kind of weird. _

"Alright boys, we'll wake you up again in two hours for breakfast." Meg said on her way out.

Sam laid back and let his head hit the pillow, "Hey Castiel?"

"Yes?"

"Why a trench coat?"

"It was a gift. I'd rather not go into the details." he said rolling over.

Sam sighed. He didn't mean to upset Castiel but sometimes the strangest things would cause him to go quiet. Sam closed his eyes but now that he was awake he wasn't tired. He rolled onto one side.

"Rather not go into details huh? What do you think Sam? Sounds scandalous." Sam grabbed a hold of his pillow pulling it around his ears, he didn't want to close his eyes but he didn't want to see anything. His doctor told him that if he wanted to keep the visions out he should ignore them. He was really tired of Lucifer bugging him though.

_Go away. Go away. Please. Go Away._

"Come on Sam. This isn't fun when you don't listen to me." Sam pulled the pillow tighter around his ears. "Fine, fine. I get it, you don't want anyone knowing about the fact that even though your on medicine you keep seeing me. You want Dean and mommy dearest to think that you're getting better. Right. Don't want the world to know about little Sammy Winchester's crazy mind. I'll go. You won't pay attention to me anyway and that's no fun."

A silence fell on the room. A thick silence, it was heavy and stifling. Sam opened his eyes slowly and looked around he was still in the hospital and there was no Lucifer. He wanted to take a deep breath and let it go but for some reason the air was still suffocating. Sam knew that even if he thought he was gone it didn't mean he really was. The preteen wanted to jump to his feet and run and hide from everyone, shutting out the world. He couldn't. He had to keep up this ruse.

_I'm okay. I've got to be. If I'm okay I'll get out and I can be with mom and Dean. So I'm okay. I am okay. _

"Liar."

Sam inhaled deeply feeling the air get stuck in his throat, like bile. It burned and it was painful, he wanted to get up and spit it out but he knew there was nothing really there. He laid still hoping he could make the clock move faster with his mind.

"Good morning everyone," nurse Masters voice rang over the speaker, "if you could head to the day room now breakfast will be there for you guys."

Sam leaped to his feet turning quickly to Castiel, "Come on let's go get some food."

"Yeah. Alright."

During breakfast Sam tried his best to ignore Lucifer as he commented on the hospital's terrible food. He said he didn't need to make Sam imagine that there were bugs in the food because the food probably had some in it anyway. When Sam ignored those statements he started to throw the food at the walls, causing Sam to jump. Provoking a curious look from Castiel but he didn't say anything. That was very frequent of Castiel; he observed but he didn't question aloud. Sam was secretly grateful, he didn't know if he would know what to say to Cas if he asked a bunch of questions about why Sam was flinching at random times. He just didn't need that.

You know the food there wasn't even that bad. In almost every show and book people always commented about how bad hospital food was. Sam didn't actually think it was that bad, there were certain things you wanted to stay away from like the green beans and the mashed potatoes. Still it wasn't all bad. If Lucifer was a figment of his imagination he didn't even have to eat any of the food.

After breakfast Sam had a shower, showering was terrible. They were "safety showers" so after about three minutes of being on they turned off and you had to hit them on again. Meaning that by the time Sam could relax, the shower would stop and had to repeat the process all over again. Not that it was even possible to relax when Lucifer was sitting on the bench nearby commenting about how genetics were kind to him.

_I promise when I get home one of the first things I'm gonna do is take a shower for as long as I want to. _Sam thought to himself as his shower went off for the third time. He decided it wasn't worth it and got out wrapping himself in the starchy towels. That was another thing, the towels were so clean and starchy they kind of hurt to dry off with. _I must have really sensitive skin._

"Ah the sent of sterilized misery." Lucifer sneered as Sam tossed the towel into the dirty basket.

Sam walked back to his room to find Castiel looking out the window. _Typical Castiel behavior._ Sam sat down on his bed and pulled out a book and started reading. After some time Meg knocked at their door.

"Hey boys. Time for drugs." she said handing Sam a cup with some bright blue pills and another cup of water.

"These drugs will make you better Sammy!" Lucifer shouted jumping to his feet and reaching through Meg's stomach pulling out some of her small intestine. "You know that's a lie right? If these pills were going to make you better don't you think they would have done something by now? If they were going to make you better could I do this?" Sam looked up slowly seeing blood drip down the walls. The preteen bit down on his lip trying to look away but no matter where he looked he could see the blood.

"Sam are you okay?" Castiel asked calmly.

"What?" Sam said looking at Castiel then at Meg, "Yeah. I'm fine." He lifted the pills to his mouth and downed them. Meg lost a smile for a moment but she didn't say anything, she just headed for the door. She stopped in the entrance and turned back.

"Sam. Ruby will see you when she get's here alright?" Then she was gone.

"Oh yay!" Lucifer shouted sitting down next Sam who flinched due to the sheer volume of Lucifer's voice. "Ruby. The doctor you think is hot. Honestly Sammy you have an interesting choice in girls. I mean really? Ruby. She's kind of bitch. I think she's worse then Meg but maybe that's just me. It's probably just me."

_Just ignore him. He isn't here._

"Come on Sammy it's no fun when you don't pay attention to me! Do I have to make you have a bad trip? Is that it?"

_Just ignore him. He'll go away soon, he'll get bored that I'm not paying attention to him and he'll_ _leave. _

"Heavy audible sigh. Fine I'll let you get back to your book." He paused before leaving, "I'll see you later, bunk buddy." Then he was gone.

After a few minutes there was a knock at the door. His doctor, Ruby Cortes stood tall. She had a nice figure, her hair was long and a deep midnight brown. She had an air to her, this type of air that made her feel dominant. Ruby was the type of person who wouldn't let others control her, she would do what she wanted when she wanted. Like Meg, Ruby had a certain hardness to her which was a bit odd considering that she worked in a mental hospital. Sam had always assumed that people like her weren't cut out for jobs like this. Still, Ruby managed to keep it together when she was treating him.

Even if her treatment wasn't working. Sam didn't blame her, it was probably his fault. He was just nine kinds of crazy so he supposed it wasn't her fault that this was happening to him. Upon seeing Ruby, Sam eagerly jumped to his feet. He couldn't help it, something about her drew him in. "Hey Sam. How are we feeling today?" with an alluring tone. She smiled and put glasses on the end of her nose, looking at her clip board.

"I'm-"

"Crazy? Confused? Psycho? Turned on and hoping you'll play doctor with him?" Lucifer rang.

"Fine." Sam finished with a half smile.

"That was quite the pause Mr. Winchester. Come on, let's go sit in the meeting room where we can be alone so we can go over your files. Alright?" Ruby said heading out of the room. The bumbling preteen followed closely behind, fidgeting with his hands as he walked.

"Scandalous." Luci remarked with a casual smirk.

The meeting room was a smaller space. It had one of those really large mirror balls with a camera inside on the ceiling, that way the nurses could see the whole room. The room was painted a pasty yellow color, it wasn't the prettiest. The chairs were brown arm chairs, there was four of them. Sam made sure not to take the one by the window, it had a slightly damaged leg so it rocked a little when someone sat in it. Irritating. The other three were in good condition though, there was also a small coffee table by the two chairs by the window and a book shelf. Ruby took a seat next to the bookshelf, she sat cross-legged observing Sam as he fidgeted in his seat. Sam was antsy most of the time, but around Ruby it was magnified. He wasn't sure if it was because she thought she was pretty or the fact that she had an air about her that felt very heavy.

The type of air that said 'I'm in control and you better not screw with me'. Sam imagined her as the type of person to laugh in the face of danger, the type of person to use others if she needed. He knew he had a school boy crush on Ruby but he figured it would pass with time, Lucifer wasn't helping though. He was a constant reminder of the stupid feelings, every once and a while Lucifer would give him a day dream about her only to interrupt it at the best part. Sam would suddenly realize that he wasn't kissing Ruby, he was kissing Lucifer. However since Cas showed up, Lucifer had done that less. Or maybe it was simply his imagination.

"So, Sam, you've been here for about four weeks now. The medicine should be in your system by now so you shouldn't be seeing Lucifer anymore. You shouldn't be seeing anyone or anything so if anything is going on I need to know so we can help. I know that your father's death took a toll at your emotions and I know that things are rough. You need to tell me what's on your mind." Ruby empathized. "You can talk to me about anything. Were here to help you Sam, all of us. Everyone on staff wants to help you so that you can be normal."

"Tch. Normal that's funny. This kid wouldn't know normal if it bit him in the face, am I right Sammy? Especially after what happened to dear old daddy. Oh but, you can't tell her that. She'd just think you were crazy right?"

"There's nothing I want to talk about. I'm okay. I mean, as okay as someone who lost their father recently. The medicine is working though and I'm getting there. Soon I'll be able to get back on my feet."

"Liar. You know, I never need to lie to get what I want. Telling the truth always has more impact. You really should take my advice Sammy. Let these people know what's going on. Let them know that your suffering, or don't; doesn't matter to me." Lucifer picked up a book calmly and began reading. Fables.

"Alright Sam. I just want you to know. So let's get this official, are you seeing anyone anymore?"

"Yes."

"No." Sam glanced over to see Lucifer reading on the broken chair. He didn't even look up when he responded it was crazy how good he was at multitasking.

"And are you feeling any mood swings?" Ruby asked scribbling down on her clipboard.

"You know I don't understand why the little mermaid sold her voice just for legs. I mean what a stupid move to make. Lose your voice and you can't tell the man you love so dearly that you were the one who saved him. Who does that? I mean she couldn't have seriously thought that she could win him over with just her looks. She probably wasn't even that pretty. Never liked redheads."

"No. I'm pretty stable emotionally."

"Alright and how's the depression?"

"Seriously who really likes redheads? Do you like redheads Sammy? Oh right you're in the middle of this interview that you're lying your way through." Lucifer jabbed putting the book back on the shelf.

"I'm managing it. I mean, my father died, that's not something someone just get's over. You don't just move on from that."

"Yes I've heard the accident was devastating. It must have been hard to find out that your father drove off a cliff on accident." Ruby empathized giving Sam a long stare.

"Yeah except the accident part."

"It was... tough but like I said I managing." Sam offered.

"Alright well, I have other patients to attend to. Like always if you need anything just let me or one of the nurses know. Were always here twenty four seven, just let us know. Please Sam you don't have to do this alone, you don't have to do these things that go against your nature." With that Ruby left Sam alone. Well not entirely alone, he was never _really _alone.

"I'm handling it..." Sam muttered to know one.

"Yeah you're handling it perfectly Sammy. That's why you're lying to everyone about seeing me and why you won't talk about what really happened that night..." Lucifer chastised. Sam whipped his head around staring down Lucifer. Anger flushing in his cheeks.

"Shut up."

* * *

_Writing Lucifer is really fun, just saying. The longest chapter so far, I wanted to give you guys a nice insight into Sam's mind. That's right, as stressed in this chapter, the medicine is not working. Medicine in the psychological world is very tricky as a friend of my mother once described it "It's like the doctors just have all the names of medications tacked up to a dart board. Then they turn away and toss a dart at the board. Whatever the dart lands on is the medicine they try and if that doesn't work then they repeat the process." _

_However, Sammy can't get help if no one knows the meds aren't working but Sam just wants desperately to be normal. He want's be like everyone else so that he can get out and live a normal life with his family. _

_Fun fact the original title of this chapter was going to be 'In The Mind of Little Sammy Winchester' but there wasn't enough room so I changed it to 'I Said it's Sam'. To make a jab at the fact that almost everyone will make the mistake of calling him Sammy at some point.  
_

_The song that Sam wakes up to, the song Lucifer blares is called Every Morning by Sugar Ray. It was a very popular song in the early nineteen nineties, I remember hearing it on the radio most mornings. As always thank you so much for the reviews and all the traffic that I'm getting for this story. I really enjoy writing it and I really hope that you guys like reading it.  
_

_No Dean in this chapter sadly, there won't be any Dean in the next chapter either. The next chapter will be all about Castiel and what's going on his head. Then in chapter five we start to see real action taking place. I hope you guys are as excited as I am! So just stick with me for another chapter of exposition, I promise it'll be worth the wait.  
_

_See you in the next chapter!  
_


	4. Ch 4 What do Angels Dream of?

Ch. 4 What do Angels Dream of?

_The morning sunlight is warm, pleasant, relaxing. It's hard to relax in a place like this, the air is heavy and stagnate. Nothing here really seems to ever change, but the sunlight makes me feel... peace. Peace is hard these times. The life feels like its draining out of me everyday. As if day by day I lose a little more blood, a little more of me. Like the paint peeling slowly off the walls. _

A bird passes by the window, casting a quick shadow across Castiel's already shadowed face. In the morning light, the shadows and age were much more easily spotted. The darkness under his eyes, showing age beyond those seventeen quick years. Pain beyond a lifetime, it's true Castiel had felt a great loss. An empty hole in his chest, where the heart should be.

_What an odd bird, he seems to be looking for someone. Perhaps a mate? A sibling maybe? It's hard to be sure with animals, he could just be looking for food. Still what an odd flight pattern, is his left wing damaged?_

__Castiel's observations were met with silence. Sam wasn't in the room at the moment he was with Ruby. Leaving Castiel to be alone with his thoughts. Being alone was a double edged sword; while when you were alone no one could hurt you it also meant that you couldn't be helped by anyone. He hated that about life, there was never a place you could be where you were truly safe from pain. There was no safe haven, no zone of truth free from lies, no place that you could call your own. If Castiel had learned anything in his seventeen years of life it was that nothing was truly sacred. Things could always be weaseled out of someone if you used the right methods. His brothers and his father made sure of that.

The thought of his family sent a shiver down his spine causing a gentle spasm from his head to toe. Most of them had moved away, most of his family was long gone, his mother, father, most of his siblings. Now it was just Castiel and his older brother Gabriel. Gabriel was a good brother, the only one of his siblings he liked. He was a trickster, in fact Dean kind of reminded him of Gabe they could probably get along, or maybe they'd just hate each other. He didn't know.

The door behind him creaked Sam must be back. He didn't turn to look, he figured Sam would say something when he was ready. Sam was that type of person, he talked when he wanted to. Otherwise he was pretty relaxed about talking, he would keep in conversations when need be but generally was too busy thinking. In that sense, Castiel felt as though he could relate to Sam. He was a smart kid, a kid who took time to think things through. Sometimes that made him withdraw and that was okay.

"So, I talked to Ruby. When do you see your doctor Castiel?" Sam questioned, pulling up a chair by Cas.

Castiel shifted on his bed, "I'm not sure, since I'm relatively new to the floor. I don't have an assigned doctor yet."

"Yeah, you're in that awkward phase aren't you? It's alright it gets better, Cas- Castiel." Sam corrected.

A smile and rare smile crossed Castiel's face, "It's alright. You can call me Cas, my nickname isn't person specific."

_Though at least you were kind enough to give me the courtesy of asking. I admire that about you Sam, even though you may be a troubled person you always think of others. You're always making sure that you don't step on my toes._

"So, is Dean coming to visit you today?" Castiel continued awkwardly.

Sam smiled, "You guys really seemed to hit it off didn't you?"

_What does that mean? Does he mean that we enjoy one anothers companionship? That we share a bond? I don't really know what I'm supposed to say to that. What do you say to that?_

Castiel blinked, "I don't know what you mean."

"You guys made fast friends." Sam responded. "Sorry, I guess that came out a little wrong. I didn't mean to imply anything weird."

"What do you mean by weird?" Castiel asked slowly. As always he seemed to look like a lost puppy in conversation.

There was a knock at the door, it was firm and confident. Castiel and Sam turned in unison to see who it was, it was three in the afternoon and usually the nurses didn't visit until around four. That was unless they were checking with you to make sure that everything was okay or to get you to talk to the doctor. Meg usually showed up at four o' three, strange but it seemed like clockwork. Castiel had a tendency to notice strange things like that.

Now wasn't the time for that though, so it seemed surprising that anyone would be here now. Three twenty two in the afternoon was a very strange time for anyone to be visiting. "Y'ello." a cheeky voice replied.

_Gabriel._

"Uh..." Sam said letting his jaw hang open just a little. Another small smile cracked on Castiel's face. "Do you have the right room?" Sam continued.

"Gabriel." Castiel said slowly, rising to his feet.

Gabriel took a step forward reaching and pulling Castiel into a hug. "Cas'y pants!"

"I really wish you wouldn't call me that." Castiel replied in a dead pan voice. His arms hanging loosely as his brother held him close. "You're here."

Gabriel let go and smiled his usual smirk, "I'm here."

"It's bizarre."

Gabe didn't miss a beat, "Oh thanks." He reached up and back, scratching his head. "No, oh I'm happy to see you brother. Or maybe a its nice for you to take time out of your busy day to come and see me big brother."

"You hate hospitals."

"So you two are brothers?" Sam interrupted trying to keep up to speed. It was at this moment Castiel realized that not everyone in the room knew his life story he turned to Sam quickly.

"Yes, Sam this is one of my brothers Gabriel. Gabriel this is my roommate Sam Winchester." Cas explained giving the appropriate gestures when needed.

"Winchester, like the riffle? You must be a real piece of work. A firecracker." Gabriel commented observing Sam. Sam shifted his weight from one foot to another.

Sam gave a quick chuckle, "You should meet my brother." Sam extended a hand and Gabriel gladly took it, giving it a firm shake. "He lives up to the family name better then I do."

_They say that you can tell a lot about a person from how they shake hands. It's true. Gabriel is firm in his handshake, steadfast, borderline cocky. Gabe is the same, he always has an air of confidence. I've always admired that about him, whenever I lacked the strength. Gabe was always there for me. Then there's Sam, his handshake is a bit more reserved. Like him his handshake is thoughtful. Much more lax, as if when shaking someone's hand he's learning everything he can about them. Taking in every fact that he can see. _

Sam smiled, "I'll let you guys talk, I mean you give me space when I want to talk to my brother it's only fair I do the same. Still, nice meeting you Gabriel." Sam turned and headed for the door.

"Nice meetin' you to Winchester." Gabe countered walking over to the chair that Sam was just sitting in moments before he arrived. Castiel sat down on his bed, his eyes focusing on the window. He watched as a mother bird began to teach her babies how to fly. It was an odd thing to witness, the babies were so awkward. Fledgeling as they tried desperately to figure out how to flap their wings in ways that would work. Cas felt his head tilt slightly as he observed.

Unsure of what to say, Castiel began one of his strange off topic rants, "Did you know that bird wings are very similar to the way people invented air plane wings. It was as they were using birds as the sole model for the wings of an airplane. They rely heavily on the same basic mechanics. Flight, lift, drag-"

"Castiel." Gabe interrupted, though he was used to Cas' rambling (just one of the beauties of his baby brother) still he needed to snap him out of it. Castiel was aware that he had a tendency to ramble about topics, topics no one understood or wanted to hear about but still. Castiel couldn't help it, it just happened sometimes. "Cas, how are you feeling?"

"I... I'm not... sure what you're-" Castiel stuttered. Gabriel placed his hand on the shaking boy. It was at moments like this that Castiel panicked. He was never sure what to say when people asked him to describe himself. One of his flaws he supposed.

Gabriel let out a gentle sigh and put on a reassuring smile. "Let me ask you an easier question. How's the night? Are you still having nightmares on a regular basis?"

"Yes... But, I haven't woke up screaming lately." Castiel responded robotically. Gabe looped an arm around him, sympathy spreading into his eyes.

"It wasn't your fault. You know that. No matter what he told you, nothing was your fault." Castiel held still, silence clutching onto his lungs. Like a steel grip holding his throat closed he didn't move. He couldn't move. "I know that things with our family haven't been a walk in the park Cas, I know that its been hard. We'll get through this. Okay? That's why you're here, to get better."

_Better? What would anyone know about better? How do you get "better" when you were never okay to start? _

"Better." Castiel responded instantaneously.

"Yes Castiel, better. You will get better." Gabriel paused, thinking deeply for a moment. "Look, Castiel, dad was an asshole. Micheal was a self righteous dick who thought he could run our lives and make us something dad would want to come back to. Lucifer... he just... he was..."

"Right." Castiel commented, "He was right. He was always right."

"Don't talk like that. He wasn't right. He was a bastard who thought he could control you, thought that he could do what ever he wanted to you. Use you and me and Anna as playthings. Anna, she was smart. She got out. She ran away."

"She blames me."

"No she doesn't." his brother reassured, "She just wanted out. She needed to leave, to get out, to be free to be herself."

_Or free to get away from me. It's always been about me and how I chased dad away. How all of these things happened because of me. Lucifer told me it was my fault and he was right. Even now I'm ruining your life Gabriel. You're staying around here to take care of me. You're always there trying to help me as I poison you. Lucifer he's right. He's always right. Always._

Gabriel removed his arm from Castiel's shoulders, he shifted in his seat. "How are your injuries from the crash? Your ribs all healed? I mean I know that the hospital wouldn't have moved you here if you weren't okay, but still. I mean, I'm worried you know? Worried about you."

Castiel shifted, "My ribs are okay." he paused a moment, "Gabe why are you really here?"

"I told you, I'm here because I'm worried about you Castiel. This is the second mental ward you've been in since the hospital. I'm just worried, I don't want you to end up in lock down. I don't want you to get lobotomized or electroshock therapy. Cas please. Just try to get better." Castiel looked down at the ground, his eyes slightly moist. He couldn't think of anything to say so he held still. Gabe let out a sigh, "Alright, have it your way. Just know that when you come around, I'll be right here. I'll be waiting to help you. I can see you want some space though, so I'll give it you. You obviously need time to think." Gabriel rose to his feet, patting Cas on the shoulder on the way out. Castiel sat still, he didn't watch his brother leave. He could almost here his brothers voice in his head.

_'Look at what you've done little Castiel. You pushed dad away, you killed mom, and now look; you're pushing away Gabriel. The one person that you have left.' I know that I'm wrong. I know that what I've done is wrong, please I don't need to think about this. I don't want to think about this anymore. I... I... _

"Your brother leave?" Sam asked from the doorway.

"Yes." Cas choked. Sam paused coming over to sit down by him.

"Castiel, are you okay?" Castiel turned slowly to face Sam, his eyes wet but no tears fallen. He didn't look Sam in the eye's but rather some distant object that may not even exist. Still though, in his peripherals Castiel could see Sam watching him. A careful observer, not judgmental, not harsh; Cas liked that about Sam and Dean too. They didn't just write him off as some nut job, didn't treat him like he treated himself. The Winchesters were interesting human beings, for that Castiel would say that he enjoyed them.

The wide eyed angel took a deep breath. Tired of all of this but he knew there was nothing that he could do. Giving up wasn't worth while. So he let the stress that was pent up roll off his shoulders. He let it go, he let his eyes find Sam's. Though he was obviously afraid anyone with half a brain could see that. "Sam, I got here because I was in an accident. That accident I don't know if it was an accident or not, I can't remember it happening to me." Castiel took a deep breath, "I don't know if I was in an accident because I didn't want to live."

"W-why...?" Sam asked staring at the ground.

Castiel drew in another breath, "My brother."

"Gabe?" Sam asked quizzical.

"No, no..." he paused again, "Lucifer. His name is-"

"Lucifer." Sam said slowly. His head turning slowly to the right. Castiel's brow furrowed his expression confused. Sam took a shaky breath, his eyes panicked like a caged animal. The breaths becoming more shallow with each one he took.

"Sam?" Cas asked rising to his feet. "Hey. Sam?"

"No-no-no-n-n-n-n-n... Ge-ge-get away! Leave me alone!" The preteen clutched his head as though someone had just hit him with a baseball bat. His breaths continuing to get shallower. Castiel reached for Sam but he swatted him away. "Stop." Sam started to rock himself back and forth, back and forth.

"Sam!"

Meg rushed in grabbing a hold of Sam, "Hey Sam. Hey!" she tried to hold onto him but he shoved her as hard as he could. "I need help in here!" More doctors rushed inside, one with sedatives another with restraints. Sam continued to struggle and scream, his whole body was shaking. When Castiel imagined pure terror, when he imagined how he must have looked all those times...

A voice rang in his ear. _"Little Castiel, come here dear brother of mine. Come on Cas I just want to talk. Let's talk about family little brother. Let's talk about where Michael is. Let's talk about where dad is. Come on~"_

__"Come on! Sam!"

* * *

_AND SO IT BEGINS. Yes the drama begins what happened to poor Sammy, what happened to poor Castiel? We shall see. We shall see. I promise that Dean will be in the next chapter. _

_Thanks for the continued support. I'm really happy about the reviews, watches, favorites, and such. I'm thrilled that you guys like the story so much._


	5. Ch 5 Misunderstood

Ch. 5 Misunderstood

They had uprooted Castiel from his room. Though he wasn't angry about it, it was what it was. Castiel knew that the doctors had their reasons, still after Sam's freak out Castiel only wanted to be near Sam. Even if he felt that he broke most things he touched, he wanted to try and that's what separated him from apathy.

The doctors had told him that he would be in his own room temporarily until they could get Sam stable. They had thought about moving Sam but they were to afraid of damaging his already shattered psyche. Once again, Castiel was okay with it, not that he had much of a choice. Still, he was hesitate about being alone in the night. He knew what his dreams had in store, he could stay up but where would it get him? If things with Sam stayed bad then he might have to stay up for days and with his own crippled mentality he knew it wasn't an option currently.

Nurses brought him into another room, it had just been cleaned but it still had the scent of someone else. Thankfully it wasn't anything terrible it was just another smell.

_Slightly effeminate. Who stayed here before? Seems that she had some type of lavender lotion, or maybe its some other type. I'm not sure, it could be anything but I think its a lavender maybe mixed with vanilla. Vanilla, such a strange cooking ingredient, it smells delicious but it tastes awful just by itself. Reminds me of when I told Gabriel that he reminded me of cinnamon and he said that if he was cinnamon I was vanilla. Was he meaning to insult me or was it just an observation? Vanilla is only good when it was baked with something else. Maybe he meant that I do better when I have someone else's flavor to lean on. Strange. I suppose he's right though..._

Castiel glanced around the room, there was only one bed, which was a contrast to his other room which had two. The bed looked the same though, a white sheet (he bet that they were just as starchy and uncomfortable as the last pair), no blanket, and white pillow that was squishy but not comfortable. Whenever you laid your head on the pillow it would make a puff sound as if it was pushing out the air to make space for your big head.

_Do I even have a big head? What constitutes a "large" head? What size does your head have to be before people begin to tell you that you have acquired a "large head"? I guess I just don't understand the phrasing._

Like his previous room there was a curtain that hung from the ceiling that could be closed if need be. For the most part Castiel ignored the curtain. Except for the one time that Castiel and Sam had pulled them in such way that the rest of the room was shut off but they could still see one another. Then Sam declared that he had made a tent, that got a rare smile out of Castiel. Sam was such a good kid, a twinge of guilt flicked his heart.

_Why did he panic like that?_

There was also a large rectangular window that almost touched the ceiling. The window was locked and barred on the outside, with a type of glass that was about four inches (or ten centimeters) thick but that didn't impair Castiel's view of the outside world. After all, the view outside was the only way that Castiel knew that he was still connected to the world. There was something about mental hospitals that made it feel like time passed slower. Perhaps it was simply because there was nothing to do. Still, the view of the outside helped since he could judge time based on the position of the sun. His room faced the west so after noon he could usually guess what time it was, since the only clocks were in the hallways. Cas was glad for that, otherwise the clocks would keep him up all night, the constant ticking was about the most irritating thing in the world.

There was also one chair in the room, which also puffed when you sat on it. This chair was presumably for visitors who needed somewhere besides the bed to sit. Castiel liked to sit there most of the time because it had a back to it and that was more comfortable then the backless bed. The tired angelic boy found his way to the chair plopping down and listening to the air move in the chair. If the situation hadn't been so grave he may have laughed a little. His eyes studied the slightly different view from his window; Castiel could still see some of the tree, just a few branches near the left side. There was also another wing of the hospital he could see just off to the right side, it wasn't the clearest but it was there.

Then right down the middle of the window was the garden, a lot of senior patients were there. The grass grew greener there, or at least it seemed. The garden was full of rich flower beds; pinks, purples, whites, and yellows were the most common colors, though there were a few others.

_I know that the garden is for those in other wings of the hospitals but I wonder if it's a good idea to have it open to the public. What if someone gets stung and they're allergic to bee stings? I suppose they're close but still the whole thing seems counterintuitive. Perhaps they spray for bee's but then the flowers wouldn't bloom, also that would be cruel to the bee's. Such wonderful creatures. _

_While the view from this room is nice its sad, now I can't see the birds. I can't watch the fledgling nestlings attempt to find their way to freedom. Truly an unfortunate turn of events, I hope Sam can appreciate them. They are truly a sight to behold._

A gentle knock was heard at the door, Castiel turned slowly to see a nurse come in with a few of his things from his and Sam's room. "Thank you." he responded flatly as he turned back. The nurse simply left, silent.

He could have left the room at anytime but Castiel had no urge to leave, there was no one to see. There most certainly wasn't anyone to talk to with Sam MIA. So he stayed in his room reading _Night Killers_ by some random author he had never read before. Still he couldn't put the book down even as he read into the night. He knew that he should put the book down and sleep, just like he knew that he should have gone to dinner that night. Yet there he was reading line by line. Finally, around midnight he decided it was time to attempt to relax.

Cas closed the book and placed it on the nightstand, he let his midnight brown hair find the pillow as he lay himself to rest. The sheets were uncomfortably stiff, so getting settled wasn't easy. He tossed left and then right and back again, trying his best to find the most comfortable position. He drew a deep breath into his lungs, feeling them expand as air filled them.

He allowed his eyes to close listening to all the sounds of his hospital chamber. The funny thing being there really weren't any, only the occasional footsteps up and down the hallway. Castiel tired to force each muscle to relax but he couldn't. All of this business with Sam had him stressed and spooked.

Cas drew in another deep breath, afraid of losing consciousness and yet welcoming the darkness that was forming around each limb. Slowly attaching itself to each part of his body and pulling him into a deep numbness. He felt a warmth drift around him, but not the right kind of warmth. This wasn't a calm warmth it was a prickling warmth. A stifling warmth, a humid warmth, a disgusting, terrible, evil...

_It's warm in here. Probably due to the fact that its a tight fit. Closets are generally like that, though mine is worse then most. The closet is only two feet in depth and three in width, then with all the other things crammed in here its hard to make room for one more thing, let alone a human body. Though my body isn't much of a body anymore, I haven't eaten in weeks and I haven't slept in about three days now.  
_

_The last time I ate Lucifer put maggots in my food. I don't even know where it was that he got maggots but then again its Lucifer. He's creative and if he wants to use maggots to terrorize me he'll find them somewhere. I think he'll be my tormentor forever, always attacking my brothers and sister, but most of the time it's just me. Usually he only attacks everyone else when they try to defend me. Gabriel is the only one who really tries, Anna gives a passive, "No, stop." then tappers right off. But Gabriel, he'll try and defend me until he's bloody if he has to. Usually I tell him to stop but most of the time he does it anyway. He doesn't want to get stuck in the middle of this all out war Lucifer has put on me, but he's my brother and that means something to him._

_Usually that's what he tells me too, "I'm your brother so I'm gonna protect you from that dick. Do you understand me? I won't stop just because of a few insults or bruises. You don't deserve to fight this battle alone." Being alone in my home is the worst. I shudder, my limbs feel weak from not eating. As I shudder the coats and clothes shudder with me. I reach and grab a few trying to silence them, if I don't stop them he might hear me._

_My efforts are futile though, as I grab I only make more noise. I silently curse myself for being so stupid. I decide that a much more productive idea is to silence myself now, so I try to stop my body from shaking and hold still. There are tears in my eyes but they won't fall, I won't let them. Do you know what he'd do to me if he knew that I was crying as well as running away? If I were to let them fall it might get worse. He always makes it worse for me when I cry. I take a deep breath, in through the nose out through the mouth. While trying to keep silent.  
_

_Then I listen. For anything. Any sounds. I hear down the hallway soft footsteps. The sound of Lucifer's bare feet gliding gracefully but menacingly across the carpet. I bite down hard on my lower lip, silencing the sounds I want to make. My head reels, I feel the urge cry again but I just can't. Again I exhale slowly, but I don't know how long I can keep this up._

_Another few footsteps coming closer, as they get louder they become heavier. The monster is drawing closer to me with every step he takes. I feel each muscle tense, my brain is going into overdrive. I'm going into panic mode. It's all to much, this is just to much. "Oh. Castiel~" a demonic sing song voice calls down the hallway. He seems to be stopping to look in every door. Even though there is no echo in here I can hear his voice playing in my head over and over. As if the words themselves are bouncing from wall to wall inside my brain. _

_I grip my left wrist to help keep myself from shaking, to keep myself in check. My nails hurt against my flesh but I have to stop the shaking so I don't have a choice. The coats make a soft rustle and I flinch. "I know you're up here baby brother~" he calls and I flinch again, then I curse myself for doing so. Just the sound of his voice makes so anxious I want to puke. _

_Please, I mentally beg, please don't let him find me here. I'll do anything, just please god don't let him find me here._

_He's the reason I hate being left at home. Micheal is at work, Gabe is at classes, and Anna left to go shopping with friends about an hour ago. If Gabe had known that Anna was going to leave with her friends he would have skipped out on classes to stay home with me. He knows how violent Lucifer gets when no one's around, sadly Anna does too. So why did she leave when she knew that I was still here and Lucifer was still here? I guess she was afraid and wanted to get away, she probably didn't want her little brother ruining her time with her friends. I didn't particularly care for her friends either. Still I would have taken shopping for shoes over this. I would have taken just about anything over this. Anything at all._

_I feel a pinch in my left wrist. I move my head slowly, so I don't disturb the clothes. My wrist is bleeding from my nails digging in so hard. I watch as drops fall to the floor._

_I panic more, I want to stop the blood but I can't if I move then he'll hear me. He will find me and he might kill me. The crimson liquid trickles down my wrist, its warm and I can feel it underneath my fingernails. Another drop hits the floor, I feel like I'm going to faint. Probably a mixture of not eating, sleeping, and now bleeding. My head feels dizzy and cloudy and I'm just waiting for everything to go black. The only reason I haven't is the adrenaline pumping through my veins. It's probably the only thing keeping me awake right now. My stomach lurches, my skin crawls, my everything hurts. I shut my eyes tight hoping to mentally shut out the pain. I hear the footsteps again. Their coming closer now, getting heavier with each passing moment. I hear a door swing open and crash into the wall. "Little. Brother. Come. Out. Now." his voice is annoyed, every word like a punch. Every word seeming to be it's own sentence, he's tired of playing this game of cat and mouse. The door must be the door to Anna's room, which is next to mine. I tremble. I know I'll be caught soon.  
_

_Another door swings open, her closet door. As strange as it seems I can hear him breathing through the thin wall. Anna's closet and mine are back to back, he shifts the coats and clothes in the closet. I hear him touch the wall, it's like I can feel him running his hand down my back. His index finger trailing slowly down my spine causing me to squirm and shiver. As if the heat from his hand is resonating through the wall and into my back making it hard to breath and harder to ignore him.  
_

_I hold my breath. Trying to keep myself in check so I don't start hyperventilating. "I will find you. Little Castiel." he whispers to the wall. He knows I'm here, in this closet. He has to know, he's just toying with me, he has me cornered. He touches the wall right behind my head, open palmed. If the wall wasn't there he would grab my skull and pull be back against the hard wood flooring. I feel the heat again, it's stifling I know I can't breath. "Now come out Castiel or it'll be ten times worse, I promise." he whispers to the wall._

_Lucifer never lies, he always keeps his promises. So if he says he's going to make it worse, believe me when I say he will make it worse.  
_

_This feels like a twisted version of hide and seek. My whole life feels like a demented game of hide and seek.  
_

_He punches the wall with his fist and I feel it in my head. I already had a headache so it feels like a needle is piercing me at the base of my skull. Like I said, he knows I'm here. He's trying to get me to just come out. I try not to whimper from the pain he's caused. Still even if I wanted to move and come out I can't, I'm petrified. The adrenaline is keeping me from fainting but it's getting me to move. I hear him sigh behind the wall. "Fine, have it your way." he says with a giggle._

_I hear him close the closet door slowly. I force a wad of sticky saliva down my throat. I realize how thirsty I am, which is sad because I know he's going to make me scream later. If I think things are bad now... _

_His footsteps moving even slower, he throws the door to my room open. A loud pounding sound resonates in my ear drums and it hurts. "Castiel~" he sings. "Oh my baby brother~" I try to hold myself from shaking, I know that I'm caught, I know. He paces the room slowly, a cat playing with his food when he has it cornered, "You know it's cute how you think you can hide from me. How you think you'll be safe if you hide in that closet. No one is here, Cassy. No one. Is going. To save you." His voice becoming even more grim. I feel a tear slide off the corner of my eye, I hold my breath even though my chest feels like it'll explode if I hold anything in any longer. _

_I hear his hand brush over the door knob, he hesitates readying himself to open it. But he decides that he'd rather play with me more, so he kneels in front of the closet. "Now then little Castiel, I know you're in here. And I know that you know that I know that you're in here. So why don't we just do this the easy way?" I hear him shift his hand from the knob the space in front of where I am. I hear his hand land directly in front of me, he knows exactly where I am. With this thin door of wood as my only shield. His other hand slides down under the door, he reaches underneath the door for my foot but touches my blood instead. "Oh Cassy." he says removing his hand, his voice has a fake sympathy for me. I don't take the bait.  
_

_My brother realizes I'm not falling for it and licks his hand slowly. I can hear the sound of his tongue running over his skin. He chuckles a low and ominous growl. "You're bleeding dear Castiel. Though not as much as you'll be when I'm done with you, little brother." he says reaching his hand under for another taste. On instinct I shove my foot forward and slam on his fingers, "Sonofa-!" he yelps. I kick the door with my feet and the door blows open with a fierce crack. I may have broken it but I don't care, I don't take the time to check. I clumsy pull myself to my feet and burst for the door. The way out. If I can just get out then I can hide again. I see the door is open like a beacon of light.  
_

_But I don't reach it. I should have known I wouldn't make it. Lucifer knew what move I was going to make before I made it, he jumped behind the door so he could slam it in my face. After I slammed his hand, I should have known he'd be mad enough to do something like this, so before I can get anywhere he grabs a hold of my hair. Clutching my scalp with his good hand, it's a blunt pain. "Aaa-" I whimper out loud. My limbs thrash back and forth, the tears that were in my eyes start to fall.  
_

"_You really thought you could get away from me didn't you? You thought that you could outsmart me of all people. Tsk. Tsk." Lucifer clicks his tongue at me. "When will you learn?"_

_"Please don't..." I beg with all the courage I can muster. I don't see it but I know that he cracks a smile._

_"Castiel are you crying?" he asks faking sympathy. He stoops down to my level and looks into my eyes with his cold, uncaring ones. I spit at him on reflex and he wipes it away on his shoulder, he's not smiling anymore and I realize I just made a huge mistake.  
_

_He drags me by the scalp into his room, I scream the whole way there despite how horse my voice is. I fight him, flailing my arms and legs in futility. I'm trying my best but he just clicks his tongue again. _

_Lucifer kicks the door to his room open, he may have a free hand but I guess kicking open the door gives more effect. He throws me to the ground, I feel my wrists still bleeding out onto the white carpet. The fuzz of the carpet getting stuck in my wounds. "Please..." I muster, "I don't know anything..." _

"_Someone has to know something and you __**are **__the __**favorite**__. Guess it's a perk of being the youngest." Lucifer paces around me in a circle, sinking down in front of me. "Such a shame that the little one after you died along with mom. If she __**had lived **__then you wouldn't be here. It would be her and not you." Lucifer rose to his feet to continue his pacing. "Though, it might just be the same. I can picture you acting like Gabriel and taking on her pain. You always were the self sacrifice type. But that wasn't how it worked out, was it? You're here. She's not. So it's you baby brother. You."_

_"But this isn't about where dad is, this is about me bonding with my baby brother. This is about you." He doesn't laugh which scares me more then when he does, again I wince. I hurt, emotionally, physically, every part of me aches. All of me screams inside, I try to roll over but I don't make it to my back, just to my side. Lucifer reaches for something I can't see, "So, let's __**chat**__..." _

_He raises his arm up and I can't see what he's holding but I know it can't be anything good.  
_

"_No..." I barely manage, letting the tears fall freely.  
_

"No." Castiel bolted up from his bed to an empty room, eyes wide open. "...no..." he whimpers. The silence of the room echoing back. The broken, little, angel rose slowly observing his settings. He was in the hospital, he was alone, he was alive. There was no Lucifer here, he was safe. Although he doubted whether he was ever really safe. Paranoia, just what he needed. He drew in a shaky breath of stagnate hospital air.

_I'm here now. Not there, not in that nightmare. Here._

There was a knock on the door, interrupting his scrambled musings. He blinked a few times, the door slid open slowly. "Hey sugarpants." Meg smiled. "Here to take your blood pressure." Cas looked away slowly, he rubbed his jaw looking back to the window. Somehow he didn't really want anything to do with Meg or really anyone right now. He still felt disconnected from reality, like he hadn't fully been removed from his nightmare. Meg didn't seem to care though, she walked over grabbing Castiel's arm. She began trying to roll up Castiel's sleeve.

"Wait." he said quickly, but either Meg didn't listen or she didn't care. She finished rolling up his sleeve and turned his wrist over readying him for his blood pressure to be checked. There were little nail marks clawed into his wrists, they seemed fresh. Castiel knew from experience that when he had nightmares like that he would claw into his own skin like that. Some doctors thought that he might be having night terrors and that's why he would thrash or claw at himself in his sleep. At the moment Castiel didn't really care though. Medication isn't recommended for treating this if its ritualistic and so there was nothing that could really be done to help him. Night terrors were just another problem he had to add to the growing list.

"Jeez. What did you do?" she asked quickly, observing the marks which almost pierced the skin. As Castiel observed he figured that if he had been left in that dream any longer he probably would have made himself bleed.

"I... uh... was asleep..." he responded awkwardly. Meg rolled her eyes. Even though she was a nurse and should be alarmed, or alerting the doctor she didn't really seem to care.

"Whatever." she shrugged, hooking Castiel up to the device. "You must have had one hell of a dream, you're drenched in sweat."

Castiel ran his free hand through his hair, there was definitely quite a bit of sweat. He felt like he needed a shower. Though this was pretty normal of a nightmare this magnitude, he always felt gross when stuff like this happened. Cas let out a soft sigh, "...yeah..." he managed not knowing what else to say.

"Well, your blood pressure is a little higher then it has been but it's nothing to freak out about. Breakfast will be in two hours like normal. Try and get some decent sleep alright?" Meg said bored, leaving as quickly as she came.

"Right." Castiel murmured letting his head find the pillow again. He traced the shape of the tiles on the ceiling and tried to think of other things. Though his mind seemed to keep traveling back to his dream. He laid still and waited for night to turn to dawn. Hoping that once the sun was up and it was time to face the day, he'd be find. he made a mental note to tell Gabriel that while he was having the nightmares less, they were getting more intense.

Breakfast and lunch both went by normally. Normal except that Sam was absent from both of them, Castiel was frustrated by that. What was even more frustrating was that no one would give anything to go off. No matter who he asked, no matter what he asked, no one would give him any answers. He knew it was the doctors job to keep it all on the hush, hush but he felt as Sam's roommate and friend he had the right to at least know something. The doctors said that until Sam was better, he would eat, sleep, and be alone. Castiel secretly wondered if that was what was best for him. All Castiel wanted was to help, not just for Sam's sake but for Dean's as well. He cared deeply for the Winchester boys even though he had only known the for a few days. Like Sam had said before their friendship had grown fast. And Castiel knew that if Dean showed up and his brother wasn't well he would need a scapegoat.

Castiel did not want to be that scapegoat.

Still there was nothing he could do, he couldn't help Sam. He couldn't help Dean.

_And I sure as hell can't help myself._

Cas headed to the meeting room, he loved the day room but he also loved the meeting room. Unless a doctor was meeting with a patient, the room was always empty. Most families visited in their rooms and so going to this room meant peace and quiet. He plopped himself down in the chair next to the window, even though the chair was broken. Cas liked the view and so he'd take the broken chair for the view any day.

He gave the book shelf a once over, some pretty popular titles on the shelf including _The Little Mermaid. _Cas decided that since nothing was jumping out at him, he must not be in a reading mood. So he sat, watching people pass by on the sidewalks below.

Then there he was, Dean Winchester, passing by on the walk below. He was on his way to visit his brother no doubt, he was here to visit someone who he couldn't visit. Castiel watched Dean as he walked up the walk. He was relaxed, shoulders back and head held high. His confidence was astounding, Castiel admired that about Dean, since it was something he lacked.

His stride was easy, he paused for a minute he seemed to be looking at someone across the street. After a few moments though he continued on his way. Castiel knew what this meant, he would be here momentarily. Which means moments after that he would be enraged. The blue eyed boy took a breath and prepared for the worst case. Outside the room he could hear Dean's husky and dangerous voice fighting with the nurses.

"What do you mean 'I can't see him'? He's my damn brother, I better be freaking able to see him." Dean roared. In some ways Dean could really seem like a lion. The way that his anger was booming and if you were in the room with him when he let it out you would feel the urge to run and hide. Castiel wasn't even in the room and he wanted to run and hide.

"I'm sorry but he's not well. He had an episode and now were trying to get him stable." the voice argued. What Castiel first mistook for a nurse he soon realized was a doctor. Sam's doctor. Ruby.

Castiel listened and pictured Dean rising to get in Ruby's face he spoke his next words, "Listen here you bitch. I don't know what you know about family but he's my-"

"We are well aware of your situation Mr. Winchester. We contacted you because your mother didn't answer. Usually we don't contact the brothers or sisters of minors. We contact the legal guardian. We made an exception for you. I made an exception, which means I could get fired so if you want to be pissed take it to someone else." Ruby snapped.

"Look here you-!" Dean began, his anger clearly ready to boil over.

"Bite. Your Damn. Tongue Mr. Winchester." Ruby issued. Giving Dean a clear as day ultimatum.

Castiel tried to relax but conflict and frustration made him nervous. He heard Dean storm off and suddenly the door flew open. Cas jumped, nearly out of his skin it was so loud. Dean let out a loud frustrated huff. "Nurse said you'd be in here. What do you know Cas?"

"I..." Castiel started but Dean wasn't inclined to let him finish. He seemed more on edge then Castiel had first realized, perhaps something had happened. He stepped toward Castiel, looming like a dark cloud.

"What do you know?" he repeated dangerous.

"It was an accident." Cas got out, not meeting Dean's eyes. Dean took a deep breath letting it flow in and then flow out. He crouched down so that he could find Castiel's eyes.

Dean must have realized that he was scaring Castiel because his next words were much softer, "What was an accident? Come on Castiel, tell me what happened."

_Things must be serious he used my full name. _

"He asked me some questions about how I got here, my family, and some other things. When I told him about my family he became very upset. Borderline disturbed. He started yelling and pushing people away then the doctors kicked me out and that's all I know." Castiel said trying to put empathy into his words.

"What did you tell him?"

"A little about my brother."

"There's got to be some reason he flipped out. He was getting better. So what did you mention?"

"I told you. It was about my brother." Castiel submitted.

"Well what about your brother? What did you say?" Dean dominated. He was getting visibly frustrated and Castiel wasn't sure what to say or do.

"My brother Lucifer-" he began.

"Lucifer?" Dean asked voice rising, "As Lucifer. From the bible. Like the same Lucifer that Sam was ranting about before? I told you not to mention anything about 'Lucifer'! I told you. Dammit Cas!" Dean said shooting to his feet and grabbing his chin. He turned away from Castiel, probably to think.

"I'm sorry-"

"Don't." Dean yelled, whipping around. "Don't... I told you not to talk about Lucifer. I told you Sam was sensitive and I told you it could trigger the schizophrenia! You didn't listen to me-"

"Dean."

"What?!" he retaliated, on the verge of boiling over.

"It was an accident-"

"Like hell it was." Dean yelled storming out.

Castiel lowered his head, he had lost. Not that he ever really had a chance of winning in the first place. He couldn't win a fight with a Winchester, not Dean, not Sam. There was once again nothing he could do to help ease his friends sadness. He was again struck with the realization of how absolutely useless he was. Lucifer's voice rang out in his head.

_"Poor baby brother. He can't do anything. He can't help Gabe, he can't help Anna, and he can't support himself. He doesn't have enough courage to end it the way that he should. He doesn't have the strength to live. You're pathetic. It's so hard for little Castiel. So hard for him indeed. What makes you so special? Huh? What makes you so much better then everyone else? Dad loved you more, mom loved you more. What makes a helpless, worthless, maggot like you more worth while then someone like me? I can do so much, I loved them more then anything, I'd do __**anything **__for dad and mom. I'd do __**anything**__. That they asked. Yet there you are, looming over head. Reminding me that no matter how much I love someone, it'll always be you that they love. You'll always be the one that gets what he wants. You spoiled, sniveling, waste of space. You get everything and the rest of us are left with nothing. Well I'm here to make sure that you never see that happiness. That you never see the __**light of day**__. Because despite what you think Castiel. Little angelic Castiel, you are ugly and repulsive and you always will be. You will __**never **__be loved because you will __**never **__be __**worth **__loving. You pitiful, gutless, miserable, swine."_

_Lucifer never lies. He never needs to. He's always right and I'm always wrong. _

Well this day had just been fantastic for him. He lost a friend, he had a nightmare, his nurse didn't care enough about him to mention that he may have hurt himself in his sleep. He laid his head down on his knees and let the frustrations of the day eat away at his very being.

Fantastic day.

* * *

_This chapter was a doozy to write. Partly because of the nightmare sequence. I spent a long time trying to figure out if I wanted to do it in third person or first person. However, in the end I decided to do first person, the terror felt more real that way. It was also quite a bit longer then previous chapters, were up in the six thousands with words, while my last few chapters were only around the two or three thousands. So I guess in someways you could kind of call this chapter a bit of a monster._

_ Poor Castiel and what's worse is we've only just hit the tip of the iceberg with all that's going on. Sadly abuse is something that often goes deeper then people imagine. Things are always a lot more then what they appear especially when abuse is involved. Writing Castiel is very challenging because I feel as though I'm writing layers. These layers I know oh to well. _

_Like I said earlier, it begins, this chapter and the previous one are the true points where the action begins to rise. I'd say we are officially out of exposition. (yay!) A heads up next chapter we will be back in Dean's perspective. _

_So Dean's pissed, Cas is depressed, and Sam is catatonic. _

_How about that?_

_Lastly I'd like to give a shout out to Zavijah, who reviews every chapter and gives me great feedback. Plus she's always asking questions in her reviews and that makes me know I'm writing right because she's asking questions. She has a great story that she's working on called, "A Mask Like Any Other" if you like the old west and alternate universe stuff I'd suggest you check it out. _

_As always please read, review, watch, favorite, ect._


	6. Ch 6 Mixed Feelings

Ch. 6 Mixed Feelings

"Dean honey, why won't you go visit Sam?" Dean groaned and rolled over, his mom had today off and she was determined to spend it trying to convince Dean that he should go visit his little brother. He didn't have much of a problem with it, though that Ruby chick pissed him off. Then there was Cas and he just didn't want to deal with either of them. He groped around until he found his pillow, which he promptly used to cover his head. He heard his mother heave a sigh. "Well you've been moping ever since your last visit. Every time I see you, you have this stern look on your face. It's not like you Dean and I think another visit to the hospital will help."

Dean respected his mom's persistence, even if it was working against him. He hoped that she respected his resistance. "I don't wanna." Dean mumbled into the pillow, however it just came out as a bunch of weird sounds. It was nine in the morning on Dean's day off, even if he was going to visit Sam he had to wait until two when visiting hours started anyway. He knew his mother was just using that as an excuse to get him to get up. Dean knew her tricks and so he burrowed under the covers and pressed his face farther into the pillow. It was his day off and by god he was going to sleep in.

"Dean Winchester." his mother said trying to strike a hard tone. Still Dean didn't find it threatening, but he could tell she was giving it her all. He rolled over, poking his head from the covers. She was dressed and ready to go to work, except for her shoes. Dean cracked a smile as an idea crossed him mind, "What is it Dean?" she asked unknowingly.

The teen rolled over to make it look like he was ready to get up, she seemed pleasantly surprised. However, it was an act, as he rolled over he grabbed a hold of one of the softer pillows that he had knocked on the floor over the course of the night. He gripped it tightly and smiled, "Hey mom, think fast!" he shouted, throwing the pillow at her. She jumped but still managed to grab onto the pillow before it smacked her upside the head.

"Why you-!" she shouted hitting him with the very pillow he had meant to hit her. He started laughing as his mother pelted him with his pillow. It was soft and squishy so it didn't hurt even when she was being forceful. She may not seem it, but his mom could pack quite the punch if she wanted to. "I can't believe you! And you're how old?!" she laughed.

"Eighteen" he replied through beatings, "And counting."

"You don't act it." she said letting go of the pillow. Dean laid still under his blankets.

"This is the first time I've heard you laugh that hard since dad died." Dean said as gentle as possible. A pause hung in the air but Mary Winchester didn't seem to be bothered by it. "It's good." Dean continued. "We need to take these moments where we can get them. We got to laugh when we can, you know?"

"You're right." she said with a smile, "You know it doesn't really bother me that you want to stay in bed. Okay?"

"I know."

"And... I'm glad that you made me laugh, I needed that laugh." she said weakly, Dean nodded. "It's just so hard, with your father being gone. The hardest thing being that I never got to make things right. You know your father and I..." she pauses to take a breath, "We were going through a rough patch."

"I know mom. It's okay." Dean responded, sitting up slowly.

"With Sam wanting to go to law school. Your father didn't want him to because of the money it would cost, he didn't think we'd be able to do it. But, I believe in Sam and I think that if he want's to be a lawyer, he'll study hard. I know he can do it. He can get in on scholarship, he can get grants. He's a smart kid but your father, he just said no. That Sam couldn't do that, he couldn't just up and leave the whole family behind." Mary shifted her gaze down, "That's not the way I saw it. I believed that he wanted to make something out of himself. That he wanted to be someone and he'd do anything to make that happen. He's my little Sammy and I know that he can do it." She placed a loving hand on the back of Dean's head, "Just like you. You can do anything you want Dean, you can be anyone you want. I will support you no matter what."

"I know mom." he smiled weakly. It was hard for Dean to hear that from his mother when he thought so low of himself. When he thought that he didn't have a future. "And it's okay. Dad may not have been perfect but he loved you and he loved us. He would have come around, he would have let Sammy go. We would have found a way to make it all work, because that's what families do. The love each other and forgive each other, they're loyal beyond compare. When we screw up, they're there to help kick our ass back on track." Dean assured.

"Besides the use of the word 'ass' that was a very nice speech Dean." Mary responded. "Alright honey, I need to go to work." Mary patted Dean on the leg before she rose to leave. She stopped in the doorway, "Have a good day and try to stop by the hospital."

"Yup." Dean replied, letting his head fall back to the pillow, "Have a good day mom." And then she was gone, leaving Dean alone with his thoughts. In truth, he could barely believe that his father could hurt his mom like that. Then again as far back as he could remember he was cleaning up his dad's messes. The teen let out a frustrated sigh, this whole thing with Castiel really had him bugged. At first the dude's fine, oddly distant but he wasn't hurting anyone. Then suddenly Dean shows up and Sammy's flipping out and Castiel is the only one who'll give him a response. He must have something to do with it, he's the roommate so he must know something. There has to be something.

Then there was that Ruby chick, wouldn't let him to see his brother. She said he was in a state of, "great emotional distress". Dean just wanted to get in and help his baby brother, Sammy was one of the few people in that Dean cared about. One of the few people in the world that was worth protecting. Sammy had ambitions, Sammy had goals, while Dean may not have any clue about his future, Sammy had an endgame. It wasn't any endgame either, he wanted to be a lawyer, get married, his wife will pop out some babies, he'll get some damn lawn mower, and a white picket fence. Everything will turn up perfect for him and he'll be happy.

And if Sam is happy then Dean will be happy too. That was all he needed, his baby brother to succeed. So what the hell was Cas' problem? All this causing Sam to flip out, when he was getting so much better, it was too much. Dean couldn't just let that go, but at the same time he did feel a little guilty. Castiel had this awkwardness about him, this solitary air. Cas was hiding something about himself, like he had a lot of skeletons in the closet. Lots of demons in his past that he never really dealt with. It intrigued Dean's natural curiosity but also pissed him off at the same time. If he had such issues with everything why didn't he just come out and talk about it? Though he supposed Castiel didn't want to talk about it, at least not to him.

That pissed him off even more.

He could help Cas, probably. At the very least he wanted to help this lost lamb. Yet Castiel wouldn't talk, wouldn't open up, it was like he didn't want Dean to know anything about himself. What was it that Castiel had to hide?

He sunk deeper into the his bed, sleep seemed like the best option at the moment. He let his muscles relax one by one, feeling the dark embrace of sleep wrap around each limb. It felt nice, the room around him began to darken and he felt himself drift away as if carried by an ocean current.

_"Hello Dean."_

_His husky growl couldn't be mistaken for anyone else. Castiel. I turned slowly, looking him head to toe. He was in a white t-shirt and dark denim blue jeans. He was missing the trench coat which seemed strange, a little out of the ordinary. Speaking of out of the ordinary why was he in my room anyway? _

_"I have come to pay you a visit." he said slowly, stalking closer to my bed._

_"I didn't know you could do that." I responded in my cheeky manner of speaking. The corner of his mouth changed, it wasn't a smile but it was different from his usual grim expression. "How does one get a break from a mental hospital?" He merely shrugged his shoulders looking to the side._

_"I brought you this." Castiel responded slowly holding up a cassette tape. "We were going through some old things and I found this, I thought that you might enjoy it." he said handing the tape over. I smiled thumbing the tape's case in my hand. I glanced at the back noticing all of the different songs on the tape. It was obviously a mix tape but the songs were well picked._

_"Thanks." I responded slowly. Cas found his way over to my bed where I was sitting, he lowered himself next to me. I turned my head to face him. Carefully I tossed the tape onto my jacket, next to my car keys and made a mental note to play it next time I felt like going for a ride. "So what's up Cas?" The air was heavy and awkward for some reason and I really wanted to move past this whole thing._

_"I was passing by your house on my way home. I felt a sudden urge to come see you. I hoped that you would be home." he said slowly, "Look, I'm sorry about what happened with Sam. It really was an accident. I didn't mean for him to get hurt." I smiled watching him stumble over his apology. He really didn't seem to know what to say. He had such strange mannerisms, he was so different from most people. Watching him was like watching a lost puppy in a maze trying to find a treat. "I didn't want anything bad to happen to him, I didn't expect him to react the way that he did. He wasn't suppose to-"_

_"Cas." he stopped and looked at me, "It's okay. I... overreacted." _

_"No the fault was mine." he mused, looking away. His eyes always carried such a sullen expression. The weight of the world weighed heavily on his shoulders at all times. It's sad, the way he see's the world. It looks like he's always torturing himself, more then I torture myself. That's a lot of pain for one person to feel. "The fault is mine entirely and for that I am sorry. So sorry." he said weakly, gazing at my door. It was as if he was gearing himself up to flee at anytime._

_"Cas, look at me." but he wouldn't look at me, I reached up slowly touching his cheek. His sapphire eyes found mine, cold and sad. I wanted to warm them, to melt the ice that acted like a casket around his whole body. "Listen to me, Castiel." while I usually wouldn't use his full first name I thought it might get his attention. "This isn't your fault, it isn't mine. It was a misunderstanding. That's all." I said softly or at least trying to be. He stared at me, unblinking, unsure. His lower lip hanging open just a little bit, I remember my hospital visit. I remember how my eyes were stuck, lingering on the fullness of his lips. My eyes stare at them for a moment, I feel myself lean forward just a little. _

_"Dean-" he starts. He doesn't know what to do, he doesn't know how to act. _

_"Shh. It's okay Cas." I say getting closer I can feel his breath moist, warm. I want to get closer and I let myself, leaning. He's stiff and I don't mind, it's not anything different from what I expected. My lips are about to brush on his, my eyes close on instinct. I use my hand, still resting on his face to caress his cheek. I feel the tips of his eyelashes when he closes his eyes. I imagine the kiss will be warm and slow. I wouldn't admit it aloud but that's is just the way I like it. I feel him tremble, damn he must be nervous. Is this his first-_

"What the-?!" The sound of Dean's phone vibrating sends him into a panic, he jolts up in bed frantically looking around the room. He notices the phone and reaches over, flipping it open and bringing it to his ear. "Hello?" he asks his voice slightly ragged.

"This is only the fourth time I've called. Jeez Dean. What were you doing?" an irritated female calls over the phone.

"Jo. I'm sorry." Dean says into the phone.

"Whatever, I was just under the impression that we were gonna hang out today. Then you didn't show or call or anything so I did. So tell me what's going on." she said easily forgiving him. Jo was used to Dean skipping out on her, he had a tendency to make plans and then forget about them. This kind of thing wasn't really all that uncommon for their friendship.

"Ugh, I don't know." Dean responded glancing down. "Give me some time to shower and get ready then I'll come pick you up from your house okay?"

"That's fine I guess." she stated bored. "So probably around noonish?"

"Yeah. We'll shoot for noon." Dean responded giving the final say.

After his shower and after eating, halfheartedly, Dean climbed into his car. He was tired of thinking about Castiel and tired of thinking about Sammy, he backed out driving for Jo's house. Jo and her mother Ellen were close family friends, his father and Jo's father were close friends. That meant that Jo, Dean, and Sammy had all grown up together. Best friends since before they even knew what being a friend meant. Even after Jo's father passed away, a drunken car accident had killed her father, Jo and Dean were still close. Ellen and Mary were good friends too.

Still there was that awkward matter of Jo having a crush on Dean and Sam having a crush on Jo. Love triangles never seem to workout. However, Sam got over it pretty fast, though it did cause so awkward tension for a while. Jo never stopped having a crush on Dean though, luckily she didn't let it consume her every action and Dean was thankful for that. Still every year on Valentines day Jo would give Dean a mixed tape of a bunch of his favorite songs, she never repeated them. Leaving Dean to secretly wonder if she kept a list of all the songs that she put on the tapes somewhere.

Dean rolled up Jo and Ellen's driveway, they were far enough out of town that they had a lot of space, the driveway was longer then most and made out of rocks. Dean stopped in front of the house, opening his car door and leaning up against it. He shot off a text message to Jo saying that he was there and he waited. The air was nicer out here, country air either smelled like freshly cut grass or it smelled like animal shit. Around Jo's house it smelled like freshly cut grass and pool water, since they owned a large L shaped swimming pool. It was one of the biggest pools that Dean had ever seen and every summer, straight out of school Dean, Jo, and Sam would jump into the deep end while wearing their last day of school clothes. The tradition started when Dean threw Jo in, she grabbed Sam's leg and took him in with her and Sam grabbed Dean, so they all ended up in the pool. Then Ellen took a picture and somehow the tradition of everyone going in fully clothed stuck.

It was a nice day in July, so Dean and Jo could have gone swimming but he wasn't really in the swimming mood. Before Jo came out, Ellen came down the drive way. "Hey Dean." she said lazily.

"Ellen, hey, I'm here to pick up Jo." he replied.

"Yeah I know." Ellen said stepping forward, before Dean could realize what had happened Ellen had smacked him open palmed across the face.

"What did I do?!" Dean bellowed.

"Your family has been ducking my calls for months since your daddy passed. Your mother I understand, she's gotta work twice as hard now to help you and Sam along. But you, you and Sam both. Neither one of you has talked to me since, so you better have a damn good reason to be dodging me for the past few months." Ellen chastised.

"Well, Sam has a good reason... but I guess I don't." Dean said as he ran his fingers through his messy, dirty blonde hair. Ellen waited patiently for Dean's explanation, he realized that she was prompting him for a response. He sighed, "Sam's been in the hospital. Since a few weeks after dad died."

"I'm sorry." she blinked, "I didn't know."

"Yeah, cause I didn't tell you. It's fine Ellen, really." Dean shrugged, "So, where's Jo?"

"I told her she couldn't come out until I had a word with you." Ellen walked back up towards the house shouting inside. Soon after, Jo came striding out. She was relaxed though she did seem a little worried about Dean since in her eyes, her mother had just reamed him. "You two be careful alright?"

Dean nodded, "Yeah we got it mom." Jo said rolling her eyes. Jo paced around to the other side of the car and sat down in the passenger side. "Protective isn't she?" Jo joked, but Dean didn't seem to hear her. He kept focused as he backed out of the driveway and headed back for town. "Dean hello?" Jo commented.

"Wha-?" Dean mumbled. Jo rolled her eyes again.

"You seem out of it."

"I guess, weird dream." Dean paused to think over his dream, then pushed it away quickly, "So where are we going? I mean where am I driving to?"

"Wanna... go bowling? Rufus will probably let us bowl for free. I mean I know him pretty well, but he thinks your a pain in the ass. Still he does enjoy you-"

"Only cause I brought him that beer that he likes. My dad didn't want it." Dean recalled.

"Riiiiiiiiight." Jo said remembering, she cranked up the tunes on the radio. "So bowling alley?"

"Sure." he shrugged.

"So Dean. What's her name?" Jo asked tossing her orange eight pound ball down the slippery lane. She watched in anticipation as the ball crawled closer to the pins, knocking down six in one shot. Dean jumped, they hadn't been talking about anything important. The weather, how their parents were, Sam, what was going on at work, and all the other random things. Dean shrugged his shoulders.

"Who said anything about a girl?" Dean questioned. "I don't recall mentioning any girl."

"Oh come on Dean, this is the same look that you gave Lisa Breaden, Pam Barnes, even Bela Talbot! It's always that same look, you're thinking about some girl. So who is she? Huh Dean?" Jo pestered trying to get Dean to spill. Dean merely picked up his blue twelve pound bowling ball and walked towards the lane. "Okay. Fine, how about a deal?"

Dean turned looking at the blonde haired best friend. "A deal huh?"

Jo smiled, having caught his attention. She began pacing back and forth slowly as Dean let his ball fly down the lane, "Okay so, here's the deal. We play a game for every strike or spare that I pick up I get to ask you a question. For every strike or spare you pick up, you ask me a question. We have to answer the questions truthfully and there's no backing out of the question once it's been given."

"I can't back out of this can I?"

"Nope." Jo smiled, tossing her ball down the lane. Getting a strike immediately. "By the way, I work well under pressure." Dean let out a long sigh.

"So what's the question?" Dean asked pinching the bridge of his nose.

Jo laughed, "Like I said, what's her name?"

"**She **doesn't have a name because it's not a **she **I'm thinking about. Okay? In fact I'm not thinking about anyone." Dean responded irritated, Jo raised an eyebrow. "Okay fine. There's this guy."

A surprised Jo took a step back, observing Dean to figure out if he was lying, "A guy? I didn't know you swung that way."

"I don't. It's not like that. He's my brothers roommate in the ward. Okay?" Dean finished tossing his ball down the lane and immediately getting a gutter ball. "Dammit."

"Huh." Jo said staring at Dean. Dean tossed his second ball down the lane and hit five pins. Frustrated he plopped himself down on the bench. Jo hopped up to her feet and grabbed her ball. Effortlessly Jo scored a spare, Dean rolled his eyes. "So, what about this roommate is driving you crazy? And you forgot to say his name."

Dean let out a heavy sigh, "His **name **is Castiel."

"Castiel? Sounds... angelic almost." Jo commented.

"Yeah, I know. Anyway, he's... odd." Dean said tossing his ball carefully down the lane, but managing to receive a seven ten split for his efforts. "Oh come on!"

"Odd?"

"Yeah, so I come in to visit Sam one day and he's just there. Sam introduces us the whole common courtesy nine yards thing. Whatever, its not a big deal I'm actually kind of glad someone else has Sammy's back. Then after that every time I visit, I run into this guy. And I mean, there's nothing wrong with running to him, it's fine but..."

"But? I mean what's so bad about this guy that he's stressing you out?"

"Well, he's just weird. It's like he doesn't know how to interact with people. Like when he tries, it just confuses him. He doesn't understand half the things I say because they're jokes. It's like he has no sense of humor, no sense of self, no emotion. Like he's a robot." Dean responds slowly. "He's difficult to describe I guess. The dude's a pain in the ass, but I still like being around him. When I'm around him, I can tell that he's trying to care. He's exhausting himself just trying to get me to like him."

"So why is that stressful then? I mean if he's trying to make you like him, he clearly cares about what you have to say about him. He clearly see's something in you, which is good because you are determined to see the absolute worst in yourself and clearly you see something in him or else you wouldn't trouble yourself over him. Heh. Are you sure you don't swing that way?"

"Yes. Jo. I'm sure I don't swing that way." Dean took a moment to compose himself, "Sam had a freakout. I think Cas isn't telling me something. I think he's holding something back from me and if what he's holding back from me hurt Sam..."

Jo laughed, "Dean, not everyone in the world is gonna want to tell you everything about themselves. From the guy your describing, he's a very private person. Of course he wouldn't tell you-"

"This is different Jo! They wouldn't even let me see Sam-"

"For good reason! Sam is sick. He needs to get better. There isn't anything you can do for him except let the doctors do what they can to help him." Jo sighed, "Dean you can't always be Sam's savior, you can't be so dependent on his well being."

"What do you mean?" Dean snapped.

"If Sam is unhappy, you're unhappy. If Sam's happy, then you're happy. Dean you're brothers and you love each other, you want to be there for one another and that's okay. But Dean, your happiness is just that. **Your happiness. **It isn't Sam's, you can be happy when he's sad. Just like he can be happy if your sad. You two are so dependent on one another, if you guys go on this way your gonna be miserable for the rest of your lives. You are free to be you. He's free to be him. If you ever want to love someone to the fullest you have to be happy that you are who you are. You can't be Sam, you can't be his happiness, you-"

"Who asked you for your opinion?!" Dean blurted.

"You did! Just now Dean." she sighed, "Look, if your gonna ask my opinion I'm gonna give it to you. If your gonna ask me what I mean then I'm gonna tell you. Just because you don't like my opinion doesn't mean you get to be a dick. Dean I love you. You're like my brother, but if you wanna act like an ass I don't want to have anything to do with it." Jo said gathering up her jacket. "So you know what, forget it. Forget I tried to help you. I'll just-"

"Wait." Dean said softly gripping onto Jo's wrist. "I'm sorry."

"Do you mean that or are you just telling me what I want to hear?" Jo asked staring into Dean's eyes coldly.

"Look at least let me take you home." Dean pleaded.

Jo paused to consider the offer, "Fine. You get one chance to explain yourself and that's on the way home."

Dean pulled away from the bowling alley's parking lot in frustration. He was trying to collect his thoughts but they were all scattered, it was true he was being a dick. But he didn't know how to redeem himself, nor did he know how to explain himself. What do you say to someone besides that your sorry, which they probably doubt that you mean it. Jo rolled down the window, her hair flipping in the wind. She was the oldest friend he had and he knew that she wouldn't drop him off the face of the earth just because of a stupid fight, but they had been having disagreements more often lately. The more that they distanced themselves from one another the less common ground they could find to walk on.

_I just don't want to fuck up anything else._

He let out a sigh and tried to find a place to begin, he reached for the radio turning it down. Jo turned to look at him since she figured he was ready to explain what had him so up in arms. "Look, Jo, you've been around me since I was little. You've seen me at my worst and at my best. This whole thing with Sam really has me confused. It's always been **my job **to look after Sammy, ever since I was little. That's all dad ever told me, 'Look after Sammy.' 'Gotta take care of Sammy.' 'Watch after your brother boy'." Dean imitated his fathers gruff voice as he spoke. "For my whole life that's all that I've ever done, but I've always known that if I were to screw up, if I made a mistake, dad would be there to help me."

"Is that really true Dean? I mean, your dad was a good man, don't get me wrong. But... he dumped on you, he told you to watch over Sammy because he didn't have the balls to do it himself." Jo said bluntly.

"He did the best that he could Jo."

"Did he really? Dean you are so broken and you won't admit it to anyone. I haven't seen you cry since your dad cried. You haven't been the same person since your dad died."

"I feel like I failed him Jo. I feel so worthless. I can't help my mom right now, she needs a strong person. She needs someone that she can look at and they'll tell her that it'll be okay. She needs someone who can support her and I can't be that person, but I should be. Then there's Sammy. God. Sammy is so broken, he kept telling me that it wasn't an accident that dad died, telling me about all of these hallucinations he was having. Saying that this guy Lucifer was chasing him and wouldn't leave him alone. Saying that Lucifer was gonna kill him." Dean took a deep breath, "How do you be there for someone who isn't there themselves? I just don't know. I don't know when he slipped away from me or why. I don't know why all of this happened, all I know is I can't make it stop. I can't pull the plug and I'm totally useless to everyone."

"Dean..." Jo began, "You're not a soldier, you don't have to take on everyone's grief and just keep marching. No one can do that, no one is that strong. No one should have to be. No matter what your dad said to you Dean, you shouldn't have to be that person. It's tearing you apart. Your cynical and paranoid that everyone you love will get hurt. You won't let anyone in to help you, you won't let down those walls and-"

"I can't. If I let those walls down, if I let those demons win, I won't be the same ever again. I won't be able to put those walls up again, I won't be able do be the soldier that I need to be."

"Dean..."

"I just can't do that. My dad needs me to be strong, for my mom and for Sammy. I have to step up for them, I have to do everything that I can to help them and if I tear myself apart doing it, then I'll do it. If it'll save Sam, if it'll save mom, then that's what I have to do."

"You don't deserve this life."

"But it's the only one I've got." Dean replied with finality as they drove up Jo's driveway. She gave a weak smile as she shut the door, goodbyes seemed to allude them. Dean watched as Jo headed up to her doorway, closing the door behind her without looking back.

Dean sat down on the couch at home, no one was home. No one was ever home, not really. He glanced around the room and saw that dust was collecting, memories of when his family was an actual family and not just strangers who lived in the same house. The truth was, Dean was trying to hold the remains of his family together. His father always told him that family was more important then life itself. That if he needed to sacrifice something for his family, he better sacrifice whatever it was.

The lost teen laid his head back against the back of the couch. He felt tears prick at the sides of his eyes, it was the first time that he wanted to cry since his dad died. Everything just seemed to be coming to a head at the worst possible time. He drew in a shaky breath trying to keep his composure but he couldn't do it. He stood up slowly, walking as if he were absent, a zombie, to the middle of the room. He couldn't do this.

Not anymore.

"Why should I have to give up everything _**for you?!**_ Whatthe _**hell** _did you ever do for _**us?!** _You stupid bastard. You promised my mom forever, you were supposed to be there when me and Sammy graduated, supposed to celebrate when Sammy made it into some fancy school I've never heard of. You were supposed to bet there when mom cried. _**Not me!**_ This isn't _**me.** _I can't be a man, I'm not ready. And why the _**hell** _should I even _**have to be?!**_" Tears started streaming down Dean's face as he shouted at nothing. "Why should I always have to be there to do _**what you couldn't?!**_Why should that be me? I can't be Sam's father, that's your _**job!**_I can't be there for mom the way that you could because I'm not you. I can't be you. No matter how hard I try."

Dean hurled a book across the room, "I'm not _**you.**_Even if I want to be. I can't protect Sam, I can't protect mom, I can't protect _**this family.**__**That's your job. You stupi**__**d bastard.**_You stupid..." a choked sob cut off his sentence, he crumbled to the floor. His pain was just too much to hide anymore. Dean gripped his forearms and put his head between his knees. There was just too much pressure and he couldn't take it any longer. Everything hurt.

He couldn't blame anyone but himself for letting his grief get this bad. There was nothing that could be done to help him either.

"I'm sorry. I am so sorry dad. I'm a failure."

* * *

_Ehm. Write all of the angst. All of it. _

_To be honest this chapter was difficult to write. Partly because it skips around a lot, we go from reality, to a dream, to reality, then we skip time, then we skip time again, and then we skip time again for good measure._

_ Partly because grief can come out in a lot of different ways, it can also come out in a lot of different magnitudes. I think that in Supernatural, Dean doesn't deal with his grief until it becomes to much for him to handle. I believe that he has a lot of trouble accepting his grief because he believes that it makes him a bad person. If his grief makes him angry at his father for the way that his father treated him, then I truly think he believes that if he shows that anger he's being a bad son. I tried really hard to hint at his grief in previous chapters. But here is where I think it came to a head. _

_Probably because of Castiel and Jo. Jo basically telling him he was being really unreasonable to Castiel. I think Dean truly knows that what he said to Castiel was wrong but he can't just apologize.  
_

_Dean really does carry the weight of the world on his shoulders.  
_

_I think his feelings are basically fighting one another.  
_

_He feels grief that his father died, he feels guilty about Sam being in the hospital, he feels guilty that his mom has to have two jobs, he feels frustrated that he can't help his family, he feels conflicted about caring about Castiel, he feels guilty for yelling at Castiel, he feels guilty that he pissed of Jo, he feels guilty for not calling Ellen, he feels frustrated because he knows Jo is right, he's in denial about Jo being right, he feels frustrated he can't help Sam, he feels he's a bad person for being happy (because if he's happy then he isn't grieving over his father's death like a good son would), he feels lost and confused about himself and the future.  
_

_And believe me, having been through something similar, it's impossible for one person to feel all of those things without caving in.  
_

_Thank you for the reviews, watches, reads, favorites, all that jazz. They really do make my day when I read them.  
_

_See you in the next chapter.  
_


	7. Ch 7 Don't Do Drugs Kids

Ch. 7 Don't Do Drugs Kids

It was late, the nighttime air filling the corridors of the hospital with a thick stillness. The air was dead, though it was only natural, it was three in the morning. Castiel shifted in his bed, he couldn't sleep. Not since his last nightmare a week ago, sure he had a few times where he maybe caught an hour. But it was nothing that should be celebrated, it still wasn't nearly enough sleep. He pulled himself out of bed, looking out his window. Besides the occasional car, it was as if he was the only person in the entire world.

Sam was getting better but the doctors wanted for him to go one more night before they put Castiel back in the same room with Sam. Castiel looked forward to it, it meant less nightmares. Cas felt restless in this room, since he was the only one there. It was like every thought he had was bouncing around in one room hitting the walls and gaining momentum. With each ricochet, the thought gained speed and eventually it would kill him if the thoughts managed to hit him dead on.

Castiel pushed open the door to his room slowly, he knew the nurse on staff would be watching and if he wasn't careful she'd catch him and he'd be forced back to his room. So ever so slowly, he let his door drift open. Coming with an idea, he grabbed a pencil and tossed it down the hallway. Castiel ducked behind the door and gave the pencil time to roll down the hallway. He listened as the nurse stepped out of her booth to check out the pencil, Castiel took the opportunity to get out. He moved slowly and swiftly, ducking behind the towel rack by the showers.

When the nurse passed back by, Castiel glanced out to see who it was. Meg. He sat still relaxing, glad to be out of his room. He let his legs stretch out, he was safe in the blind spot of the camera's. Though he was strangely close to the nurse's station. He listened, observing Meg, as she was the only person to observe.

After about an hour Meg received a phone call.

_Strange, who receives telephone calls at four in the morning?_

"Hello?"

"Meg. It's Ruby." Apparently she had the phone on speaker. It was quiet enough that Castiel could hear it, but loud enough that it wouldn't wake up anyone.

"Like I couldn't figure it out from your voice. What do you want?" Meg asked cheeky as usual.

"We've gotten in the latest shipments, I was going to bring them up to the hospital."

Castiel heard the sound of Meg spinning in her rolling chair. "I guess, we still have a few days worth though. Whose orders are you on?"

"It's really a chain of commands that lead back to the big man himself, just like you."

_What does she mean by that?_

"Alright. Fine. Whatever. So he wants you to bring the drugs up now?" Meg asked slowly.

"Well he wants me to make sure we don't run out. I don't think you realize how important these drugs are." Ruby snapped.

"Enlighten me."

"If we don't keep these drugs pumping through Sam's blood then he doesn't hallucinate. If he doesn't hallucinate he could come forward as a witness. We have to keep people thinking he's crazy, even if he's under threats not to tell. It doesn't mean that he won't slip up and tell someone. That's the last thing that we need, so the we keep giving him these meds people keep thinking he's crazy. People think he's crazy and no one asks any questions. No one asks questions and we don't have to remove any heads. It's a simple cover up operation."

_What?_

"Right... how do we know he hasn't told anyone?"

"Between the eyes we had on him before he was in the hospital, the death threats, and now people thinking he's crazy. No one ever suspects anything else. Anyway, I need to drop off that shipment. Nothing's going on right now right? I'd be able to just walk right in?"

"Yeah for the most part besides having to go through hospital security."

"Alright, I'll be there in fifteen minutes so you'd better be ready and waiting."

"Whatever." a loud beep ended their conversation.

Castiel held deathly still knowing that if someone saw him there he was in huge trouble. He waited until Meg left to help Ruby with the drugs that they had apparently been pumping into Sam, before he returned to his room. He closed his door slowly behind him, just as slowly as he had opened it. He slid down the door, feeling panicked.

He knew who was behind this, it had to be him.

Castiel shuddered knowing that he was in danger. Knowing that Sam, Dean, and their mother was in terrible danger and if anyone found out that he knew, they'd pump him full of drugs like they were doing to Sam. It all made sense now, but it also meant that everything that he had thought was going on was a lot bigger then he'd known. They were dumbing down witnesses with drugs, bribes, and when necessary murder.

Gangs were the underbelly of this town and no one even knew it. No one knew how tight a grip these people must have over this town. He shuddered, having only met the head of the operation once, he knew this wasn't something he wanted to get tangled up with. He had already spent years trying to get away from it, now he was getting sucked back in. What's worse was his friends were also getting sucked in. Now Castiel knew that even though he was mentally sick, Sam wasn't. Or at least Sam wasn't as sick as everyone believed him to be...

It had to be him. Didn't it?

* * *

_Very short chapter, also very vague. Yes I totally planned it that way. Yes this chapter is meant to raise a barrel of questions. Yes it is meant to make you form theories._

_As always rate, review, favorite, ect. _

_Thank you for your continued support! _


	8. Ch 8 Remembrance

Ch. 8 Remembrance

_I hold my legs tight against my chest, so tight that it feels like I'm impairing my ability to breathe. There's a throbbing in my head and my whole body is shaking terribly, I can't seem to stop myself as much as I might want to. I can hear rain pelting the rooftop, it masks the sound of my suffering. It's quiet, at least for now, Lucifer seems to be satisfied. At least I think he is, he isn't coming after me right now so my best guess is that he's satisfied. He doesn't really enjoy torturing me when I'm too tired to be scared.  
_

_I think I have a fever, but I'm not sure. It's hard to be sure of anything right now, well anything besides the fact that I'm scared, cold, hungry, and exhausted. __Sweat rolls across my skin, it feels cool and slightly sticky._ I shift slightly and I hear my bones crack against the hardwood. My floor isn't exactly the most comfortable place I've laid but I don't have the energy to lift myself to my bed. Or at least I don't think that I do.  


_I'm used to Lucifer's beatings and harassment but today he must have been pissed because it was much worse. Usually I at least have the energy to climb into my bed to fall asleep. Today though, I can't. I tried earlier but when a blunt, screaming pain shot through my body, I decided it wasn't worth while. My wrist is bleeding out and I should really stop it but like I said, I just don't have the energy. Don't have the strength to deal with anything else. That's when I hear his footsteps. I feel a twinge of panic and dread but for the most part I just feel apathy. One of the perks of being tired is I don't have the energy to be scared, even though I know that I should be.  
_

_A shiver travels from the base of my neck down to my toes. It's about as close to fear as I'm gonna get in this condition. His footsteps get louder and while I want to run I can't. He pushes open my door._

_ "Cas! Oh god Cas!" Gabriel bellows, a sigh of relief is uttered from deep in my lungs. My brother rushes to my side, he must be home from class. I didn't realize it was that late. Oh how the time flies when you're being tortured, "What did he do to you?" Gabe asks turning over my wrist and seeing the blood.  
_

_He rushes out of the room to get something to stop my wrist from bleeding, I groan trying to roll onto my back. I make it half way but a searing pain in my back stops me from laying flat. "Gab...ri...el..." I call out weakly. He comes rushing into my room putting the first aid kit on my dresser, he stoops down next to me._

"_What is it Cas?" he asks, I watch his hazel green eyes as he waits for my response. It's a lot easier to forget what's happening around you when you stare into someone's eyes. It's like everything that was inside you just melts away. Everyone's eyes are unique, their whole life story contained behind them. I like that about eyes. Even Lucifer's eyes.  
_

_ I try to speak but the pain is too much and after a few failed attempts and a few strange noises, I give up. My eyes just stare at him, he realizes that he isn't going to get a response. "Well let's at least get you off the floor." he pulls my arms away from my knee's careful not to touch my bleeding wrist. I groan quietly in protest, "We need to get you off the ground."_

_ He hooks his arms under my armpits, I shut my eyes tight feeling the pain "Okay." Gabe says trying to get this done fast since he knows it's going to hurt. "On three, one, two, three." _

_He pulls me up and a stabbing fiery pain shoots through my joints. "Aaaa-" I whimper. Gabriel doesn't stop, he's determined to get me onto the bed. He just moves faster but still he remains careful not to hurt me as much as possible. He hoists me up onto my bed and lays me on my side._

"_Better?" he asks, I do my best to nod. "Good, now let's take a look at that wrist." Gabe says in a soothing voice, he reaches over and takes my arm above where my wrist is bleeding. I bite down on my lip, Gabe reaches up with his free hand and brushes my hair back. "It's alright Cas. He's not gonna hurt you, I'm here now."  
_

_"That looks pretty nasty. Looks like a cat used you as a scratching post." he says trying to brighten the mood with a little humor. I don't laugh though, I imagine it would hurt more then talking and I can't talk as it is. He starts wrapping a bandage around my wrist, he's trying his best to be gentle but it's hard when every part of me is sore. Once he finishes wrapping up my wrist he starts brushing my hair back again. "If I had known Anna was gonna bail on you, I would have stayed home. I'm so sorry Cas this wasn't meant to happen."  
_

_I hear footsteps down the hall and I try to grab Gabe's attention. I make some strange noises which prompt a questioning look but he doesn't seem to understand my meaning. I reach my limp wrist forward but I only make it half way there before he shifts at my bedside and I give up. My heart races, my blood pumps, but I still don't have the energy I need._

"_Ga...be..." I mumble with all the energy I can muster. He brushes my hair back with his left hand._

"_Shh." he soothes. "It's gonna be-"_

"_What the hell are you doing?" Lucifer calls from the doorway. I exchange a look of sorrow with Gabe he turns slowly to see Lucifer, whose leaning on the doorway waiting for an explanation. Gabriel looks irritated, snarling at his older brother.  
_

"_Taking care of my little brother." Gabe snaps, he's in no mood to dance Lucifer's dance. Gabriel turns his attention back to me, a bad move on his part. I watch as Lucifer shifts his weight onto both legs, letting himself farther into my room._

"_I can see that. What I mean is why?" Lucifer asks picking up a book off the shelf and flipping through.  
_

_Gabe grits his teeth, he doesn't want to deal with this. "Because you're a psychotic bastard and you think it's fun to torture and torment your little brother."_

_Lucifer sighs, "No that's why I torment Castiel that doesn't explain why you're protecting him. Why are you protecting him? That's the question that I asked you. I expect an answer."_

_Gabriel snorts, "I'm protecting him because he's my little brother and I love him." _

"_Ah, right." Lucifer comments, putting the book down, I shudder I know what's coming. I want to warn Gabe that he should run but I can't, I lay paralyzed and hoping that my panicked glance is enough to do the job. He doesn't seem to get the message though, he rises to his feet to go toe to toe with his brother. Gabriel throws the first punch, a right hook aimed for the jaw. Lucifer grabs hold of his fist and tries to uppercut under Gabe's chin, but he steps back._

_I can only watch as the two fight, I know what the outcome will be but still I try to hope that Gabe will win. The battle is over when Lucifer roundhouse kicks Gabriel to the back of the knee's causing him to crumble to the ground. "I don't appreciate this Gabriel. Not at all little brother." he say's pacing in a circle around Gabe. "When you do things like that it makes me very unhappy and now I suppose I have to retaliate. See it's a basic cause and effect situation, you've caused something and now you can just sit back and see the effect. Which is probably the last thing that you wanted, by the way. But hey, you snap at me I respond with a witty comment, you lose the fight so I take what you want to protect. The rapier wit - the wittier rape- that's how these interactions typically go and poor little Castiel is now stuck right in the middle of it."_

_Lucifer reaches for me and I shudder. He lifts me up by the hair as easily as one would pick up a kitten. I would cry out but I hurt too much, I don't even put up a fight. He drags me to his room where he throws me in and locks to door. "Now it's just you and me Castiel." he grins, locking the door behind him. I hear Gabriel rush down the hallway after us.  
_

"_I don't... have... t...he... strength... to be... a-afr...aid" I muster. He cracks a quick smile._

"_Well when I'm done with you, you will be." he smiles, stooping down in front of me. "So, how do you want me to torture you today baby brother?" he says in a sing song voice._

"_Why... are you... doing this?" I ask slowly, while trying to hoist myself up onto my forearms._

"_Because baby brother," he says leaning down to me ear, "I hate you." _

_Lucifer rises back to his feet, he kicks me in my side and I fall back down. He paces around me in a circle, I can only see him half the time but I know he's waiting for Gabriel to bang on the door to start. Right on cue Gabriel starts beating on his door, "Lucifer, open the door!"_

_My devilish brother picks up a knife and nicks my cheek. The blade is dull, but not so dull that it can't cut. The only satisfaction Lucifer is getting from me is my facial expressions. Luckily for him though, there's a panicked Gabriel banging on the door. I grit my teeth. He's not doing this to hurt me, he's doing this to hurt Gabe "You know Castiel, this won't be much fun if you're this dull." he whispers in my ear. "Don't make me get creative. You better make some agonizing noises."_

_I shudder. Lucifer grabs my pant leg rolling it up so that he can see my leg. He holds the knife up, stabbing downward into my calf muscle, twisting the knife, and then pulling it out promptly. I let out a bloody scream that I didn't know I had in me. Mostly, to keep my brother entertained because I don't want him to get creative, but it also makes Gabe panic more. Lucifer slides his dresser in front on the door just in case Gabriel gets any ideas of kicking down the door. _

"_Man if you're this bent out of shape about me stabbing him, just think of all the other things I could do to him." Lucifer smiled stepping closer to the door._

"_I get your point Lucifer, please leave him alone. You win, just let him go." Gabriel screams punching the door. _

"_Nope sorry. No can do. Castiel is my bitch, in every sense of the word. I was being nice to him, I was leaving him alone but you show up and get pissy with me, fine. You can deal with these repercussions." Lucifer torments, then he reaches for me, hoisting me up into his arms. I groan and let out some pained gasps. I prepare for the worst expecting him to drop me, but strangely he doesn't. He takes me over to his bed and puts me there. _

_He leans leans down by my ear, I roll my head away from him trying to distance myself. "Now, you are gonna do exactly what I tell you Castiel or I am going to make this hell for you. When I tell you to scream, you scream or I will make you. When I tap the bed like this that's my signal. Do you understand?"_

_I nod. I don't have a choice and I'm not really sure why he's doing this. Still if he's showing me mercy right now, I'll take that. "Good boy." he whispers, stroking the side of my face where he nicked me with the knife, I flinch. "So Gabriel..." he taps the bed and I let out a weak yelp. Lucifer sighs, irritated, he punches me in the gut hard and I let out a real scream."I said be convincing." Lucifer whispers to me. "That weak whimper was not convincing."  
_

"_Lucifer, stop it!" Gabe shouts. He hits the door in futility. Lucifer taps the bed again and I try to scream but no noise comes out. Lucifer rolls his eyes and reaches for his knife, I whimper because it's all I have the strength to do. Lucifer sighs, I almost see sympathy in his eyes. I know it's false, he's just angry because attacking me is like beating a dead carcass. _

_My brother leans against the wall and pulls me into his lap, wrapping one hand around my stomach. He punches me in the gut and I scream again, letting the tears that are in my eyes fall. "Sh." Lucifer whispers with my head laying still in his lap. He reaches up and touches my hair stroking it back gently. He leans down his head hovering over mine, "So Gabriel, how do you feel about interfering with my issues with Castiel?" he taps the bed lightly and I let out a pained half scream. I open my eyes for a moment staring into his blue ones. His eyes are surprisingly calm, deep, and sad, whether it's fake or not, the look of pain is unimaginable. I brace myself and wait for him to hit me but he doesn't._

_"You know Castiel." he whispers, "I don't want to be this person. I'm not evil- just angry- just hurt. Father punished me, he tormented me and ignored me. But you, he loved you. For that, I hate you but that doesn't mean I want to kill you. That doesn't mean that I want to be this person."  
_

_"...Why?" I manage.  
_

_"I can hate you for how everyone treats you and love you for being my brother at the same time can't I?" he whispers.  
_

"_I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry. Please, just leave him alone." Gabriel begged from behind the door. I close my eyes, I can't rest but my eyes are too tired to stay open. Before I know it I feel a gentle breath on my forehead. I feel his lips press onto my forehead._

"_I'm so sorry for this..." he says softly. Then he rips his knife across my chest. I scream, an unbearably painful scream and then I pass out._

Castiel bolts up in his bed, glancing around the room. It's dark and the air feels thick and still. Another nightmare- even though he was back in the same room as Sam- he had been for about a week now. Castiel touched his chest as if to remember that the scar was still there.

_I forgot that he told me that. I wonder if he meant it, I wonder if her really does love me in some twisted way?_

He exhaled heavily, then inhaled sharply. Cas shifted his hand upwards to feel his heart beating abnormally fast, though he supposed nightmares would do that. He took a series of even breaths trying to calm himself down. By now he was pretty skilled in getting himself back under control when things like this happened and for that he was glad.

_If I keep having nightmares like this I don't know how long I'll go before I die from sleep deprivation. _

"Have a nightmare?"

Castiel turned slowly to look at Sam who was lying face up, staring at the ceiling. His eyes were glazed over as if he wasn't thinking of anything. It was different from any look that Cas had ever seen on Sam. "I suppose. Why aren't you asleep?" Castiel questioned. He knew that Sam should be asleep since he would be more likely to freak out if he was awake for too long.

Sam didn't shift to look at Castiel, his expression and gaze remained fixed on a specific point on the ceiling, "Can't. I keep having this horrible nightmare that I'm stuck in the back of the Impalla, as it's sinking to the bottom of a lake. I'm stuck in the trunk and I'm watching as the water fills up. I can't get out no matter how hard I try to and eventually I drown." Castiel shuddered at the thought.

_I wonder what drowning would be like? Would it be like panicking and then falling asleep against your will? Would it hurt or would it be like drifting away? I've never had any experience with drowning, I've always been a decent swimmer._

"I apologize." the wide eyed angel answered. Sam shrugged his shoulders, which looked a little silly considering he was lying flat on his back. A soft silence hung in the air, it wasn't uncomfortable, nor did either of the boys feel they needed to speak. Both were comfortable in sharing the deep quiet of the midnight hours.

After several moments Sam rolled to his side, "So this nightmare you keep having, what happens in it Cas?"

Castiel kicked his legs over the side of his bed, so he was facing Sam. It was easier for the two boys to talk this way. "Just a dream from childhood. I'd rather not speak of it."

Sam let out a frustrated smile, letting his brow furrow, "You really are a private person aren't you?"

"I don't understand the relevance of the question." the angel responded, looking troubled by a question he didn't know how to answer. Sam chuckled lightly.

"It's a rhetorical question, it doesn't need an answer." Castiel merely shrugged in response. "I wish I could be like you, then maybe..." Sam trailed off, prompting an interested glance from Castiel. "I-I shouldn't."

Castiel merely turned to look out the window, he wasn't the type to pry so he decided to give Sam his distance. To his surprise it was just this kind of gesture that would prompt Sam to talk. Sometimes the best way to get someone to speak their mind was to let them stew until they felt like talking. From behind, Cas heard Sam rise to his feet. "Can I sit?" Sam asked.

The teen glanced to see Sam standing at the end of his bed, fidgeting with his hands. "Of course."

"I have nightmares on a regular basis too you know. I know you do too." Castiel turned his head, cocking it slightly to the side. "You thrash in your sleep and sweat a lot, I just kind of figured..." Sam said shrugging his shoulders again.

"I see, I am obvious..." Castiel spoke slowly.

"No. Well, only because I'm in the same boat. Like I can recognize the signs because I've been there and I know that look." the preteen covered. "I dunno, I have had these nightmares for such a long time but they got worse after my dad. I guess... I guess I envy you, you can keep those feelings to yourself but mine, they leak out into everything I do. Anyone who knows me even a little bit seems to be able to pick up on my feelings."

Castiel took a moment to mull over Sam's feelings, "You shouldn't desire to be self contained. It makes you a very lonely person."

"I guess, but I think it's better to be alone. You can't be hurt by other people that way." Sam rebutted. Castiel let his gaze get fixated on the tree outside, he had no wisdom to counter Sam's true statement.

_The nest is gone._

"Can I tell you something, something I've never told anyone because I didn't think they'd believe me?"

The brown haired angel mused over whether or not he wanted to know Sam's secret. The air held still waiting for his response, "Alright."

"I was there the night my father died. I watched him go over that cliff, that much is true. The fact that it was an accident, that's a lie. My father didn't die in an accident like Dean and my mom believe." Sam said weakly, letting his head sink lower. Castiel reached a hand out, resting it on Sam's shoulders. Hoping to give him any strength he may have to spare. "My mom and dad were going through a rough patch, money was tight at home. It wasn't anything new but they were having a lot of squabbles about it. My parents didn't have the perfect marriage, not even close. The whole thing exploded when I told my dad that I wanted to go to Stanford to go to college." Sam paused to draw a breath.

"I know it's early for a thirteen year old kid to start thinking about college, but ever since I was little I've kind of felt like..." Sam paused to come up with the right words. "Like I didn't quite belong. There's just something about me that sets me apart from other people. I'm just different, I've always felt that way. I tried to tell Dean but he didn't seem to understand what I meant. Dean, as much as I love him, is such a family oriented person. That makes him hard to talk too when its about how I feel different. When I tell him I feel like I don't belong he just tells me that it's my imagination. I love my family, but I want the chance to be my own person. I want that separation, that distinction. I want to be part of my family but be my own person as well. I want to be free to make choices without dad or Dean breathing down my neck. I think I should have the freedom to make those kind of choices. Everyone should. Everyone should be able to be who they want to be and their family should respect them enough to let them- as long as it isn't hurting anyone."

Castiel nodded slowly, picking up his sheets and rubbing them between his fingers as he listened to Sam's story. "Anyway, I told my dad I wanted to go to Stanford, could have been anywhere I guess- but something about Stanford was just appealing to me- but my dad... he didn't take it well. I ended up having this huge fight with my dad, then my mom and my dad had this huge fight because my mom wanted to stick up for me. Dean didn't know what to do, it was chaos in our house. For weeks we were all walking on eggshells, especially around my dad."

"Why didn't your father want to pursue your dreams? Isn't that what parents are supposed to do, encourage their children to be the best that they can be?" Castiel interjected.

"I'm sure that he did, but money controlled our family. Money controls every family at heart, I think. He could only encourage me to do something that we could pay for. I guess the idea of scholarships and grants didn't occur to him. After that big blow out, dad started disappearing in the middle of the night and coming back really early in the mornings. Mom of course, expected what any woman would expect if she saw her husband sneaking out night after night. Dean kept trying to cover, trying to make her feel better but she got depressed, I mean really depressed. Dean did everything he could to keep her up, to make her feel better, he took up being the man of the house. A lot of pressure to be responsible and to be a man fell to him, most of the time I don't know how he managed to juggle all the feelings that he must have been having. To be honest I felt responsible because I felt like I was the one to drive my father to disappear all the time. I felt like my father didn't want to be a part of our family because of me. I felt like I was being selfish, so selfish. I thought that my dad was having an affair because me and Dean weren't good enough kids."

Castiel looked surprised, "Was your father having an affair?"

"Not that I know of. I believe in my dad and maybe that's me being childish but- I'd like to believe that he was faithful." Sam answered. "Anyway pretty soon money started showing up out of nowhere. My dad would always say that they managed to sell a few more cars then normal- he was a mechanic who worked for this guy who would sell fixed up used cars. None of us believed him but we also didn't have any evidence to prove otherwise. When we'd try to follow him, he would tell us to go back inside."

Sam drew in another breath, "Eventually, the money stopped showing up- completely out of nowhere. We started to notice him getting more cautious in the weeks before his death. He would check to make sure all the doors were locked like three times, he would draw all the curtains, he'd do a bunch of strange things he never did before. He was also really jumpy and the littlest things would set him over the edge, like one time Dean was late picking me up from school. When Dean came home with me an hour later then normal dad reamed him, he was relentless and their shouting match was probably the biggest fight I've ever heard them get into. In his last week, no one could do anything right. He screamed at all of us at least twice in that week. Although, he was sloppy in one area and that was me. He didn't seem to notice that I was observing him."

"Why?" Castiel questioned, letting go of the sheets he had been holding onto.

"I didn't know, but I wanted to find out. So one night I had stayed up late to do a paper that was due on Monday, I saw him leaving. I knew that this was the usual time that he left but he seem really panicked. I thought it was really strange, so I followed him outside. When he went to get something from the garage to put in his car, I jumped into the trunk. Stupid idea, but I needed to know what was going on." Sam said, his expression glazing over as he recalled the memory.

Castiel tried to imagine what it must have felt like for Sam. What must have been going on in Sam's head as he told his story...

_It was freezing in the back of the Impalla. The heater was old and needed to be replaced, you'd think with a mechanic in the family that it wouldn't be an issue but it was. It got cold at night, down into the low forties. Plus dad was only heating the front of the car, since he didn't know of the hitch hiker in the back.  
_

"I remember that I was wearing a lightweight jacket but it wasn't enough to keep me warm, so I was miserable."

_I rubbed my hands together frantically trying to keep the heat in. The friction felt nice but it wasn't enough, not even close. I was trying to keep the shaking isolated to my legs but every once and a while a violent shake would cause my whole body to spasm. My limbs would knock into different parts of the trunk and everytime it happened I was afraid dad would hear me. It's strange, I usually hate the heat but I think at this point I would have taken hot over cold. _

"We must have drove for at least two hours. I think I fell asleep for part of it though so it could have been longer."

_When I opened my eyes to the dark insides of the Impalla, I heard no noises. Which wasn't a good sign especially since I was stuck in the back of the car. Potentially, until someone noticed that I was missing and heard me banging on the lid of the trunk. I realized how grave the situation was and I panicked. I kicked the lid of the trunk. To my surprise the hood popped open easily. It must have already been unlocked. _

_I step out of the car and stretch, the ride left me feeling quite stiff. In fact my whole right side felt numb, so when I tried to stand I stumbled a bit. I raise my wrist to see what time it was. Two o' seven in the morning. Then I turn to observe my location, immediately, my eyes are assaulted by the sight of a huge abandoned, warehouse._

"I remember that it was white, at least on the outside."

_Huge loading docks for shipments are present on the side that I can see. Complete with ramps and everything. There are also huge, looming double doors on what I assume is the front of the warehouse. There are no signs above the warehouse and it looks pretty reclusive. Then I notice that there are quite a few cars parked around the loading dock, which is odd because the place looks like it hasn't been used in years. _

_I find myself walking closer to the building. There's some greenery around the place, its seems like this place is pretty far off the main road. Whoever is here must need cover from someone. It leads to some interesting questions. I wonder what's inside but at the same time, I feel to afraid to even go near. Usually when something seems like a bad idea it probably is._

"Still I was stupid enough to go inside."

_The first thing I noticed when I went inside was that it was warm. Probably about sixty five degrees, warm enough for people to be living here. Whoever uses this place, must use it often otherwise why would they bother heating the place. The second thing that I noticed was that while most warehouses have shelves upon shelves filled with boxes and other stuff, this place was completely empty. There were only a few shelves around the place. All of the shelves had been cleared out so someone would have space. At first I wondered if a theater group was using this place to put on shows, but I knew that was just wishful thinking. When a place seems creepy and rundown, it probably doesn't have anything good inside. The ceiling was high and it looked like someone had actually built a second floor._

_I start to walk around, the place is dead quiet and my footsteps echo in the large room.  
_

"Which I remember thinking was really strange."

_I keep walking until I hear a soft sound off to my left. I'm not sure what the sound is, so I follow the sound. I make sure to do it carefully because I don't want to run into any unwanted guests. I don't know if there are any guests, but if there are I really don't think they'd want me in here. Which means that I don't want them to find me here I see another huge door, the noise seems to be coming from behind here. I notice the door is open just a little so I peak inside._

"That's when I saw it."

_Three men all surrounding my father, who is tied up to a wooden board that goes from one pipe to the other. He's hanging there as if he's being crucified. One man, in a dress shirt with the sleeves rolled up and dress pants, is torturing my father. There's a table nearby with all sorts of sharp instruments on it. He keeps asking him all these questions. The main one being, "Where is it?" His voice is kind of nasally, borderline irritating and when my father doesn't answer or doesn't give him the right answer, he slices and carves into my father. The man has a creepy grin, he seems dangerous. All three of them seem like trouble.  
_

_Another man, dressed in a black suit with an English accent, is sitting in a chair looking bored and telling the torture guy to hurry it up because he has other business to attend to. He doesn't seem to be bothered by my father being tortured, he just seems utterly bored. At some point he picks up a knife and spins it in a circle creating a pin sized whole in the wooden table. He puts his feet up on said table that the tormentor is keeping his knifes and yawns."Seriously, can't you just tell us where the bloody thing is so you can get back to your white picket fence and we can get on with our busy day?"  
_

_Lastly, there's the third man. From where I am I can't see his face or really anything about him besides that he's got a bulky brown coat on and some jeans. His posture is lax, he doesn't seem to be bothered by the torture either. The three of them are talking about something big but for the most part I really can't understand what they're saying since I'm so far away. I catch bits and pieces about an apprentice, Lucifer's father, drugs, Micheal, some gun, a knife, and money but for the most part I have no clue how these things tie together.  
_

"That's when I got caught."

"_What are you doing in here?" an unusually happy voice asks from behind me. I jump then I turn slowly and come face to face with bright blue eyes and a devil's smile. He reaches for me, but I smack his hand away. "Well, well, well, you must be Sam Winchester."_

_I'm surprised that he knows me but then again I shouldn't be since they all clearly know my dad. "And if I am?"_

_He cracks a wicked grin, "I have plans for you, little Sammy." he says stepping closer to me. I back up into a wall, he looms over me, smiling. His posture is relaxed but he still dominates me in size. I feel my brows furrow, I scowl as best as I can manage. He puts an arm above my head and leans on it, there's little space between us now. My eyes look up slowly. "You know in this light you're kind of adorable." he says with a smile. I shoot my fist off, aiming for his gut but he grabs my hand. "Gotta be more clever then that." I spit in his eye and he let's go. I take off running in one direction.  
_

_"Hey morons!" he bellows into the room as I sprint, "We've got an intruder issue, quit playing with daddy Winchester and get your asses over here." _

_Before I know it I'm being chased by all four of the men that I just described. I sprint as hard as I can but there's no where to hide in here and before I know it the four of them have me cornered. When I turn around, like a trapped mouse my eyes pan across each face, blue eyes, a hazel color I can't quite place, another set of blue eyes, and then I am faced with bright yellow eyes which I can only assume are prosthetic. _

_The blue eyed man who originally saw me steps forward and grabs me, pulling both of my arms behind my back._

_ "So this is the famous Sam Winchester. The little boy who wants to go to college. I'm sure his father will appreciate seeing him here." the dapper man in a suit says.  
_

"They dragged me into the room where my father was."

"_Sam! What are you doing here?!" he asked bleeding. I didn't say anything. "Lucifer let him go. Please, he has nothing to do with this."_

_The blue eyed man who was holding me smiled, "Then tell us what we need to know John Winchester and we'll make sure neither of your sons is harmed."_

"_It's not here." John said weakly._

"_Clearly." the dapper English man stated impatiently._

"_I can get it, but first I need to know you won't hurt Sam." my father responded._

"_You have our bloody word, we make a deal we keep it." the dapper man said rolling his eyes._

"_Alright. Deal." the dapper man stepped forward, kissing my father on the lips. "What was that...?"_

"_It's how I make a deal." he shrugged, walking away._

_Lucifer smiled, "Alright now that that's settled, Azazel, take John and go get what we need. I'll take Sam home."_

_We followed behind Azazel and my father in the Impalla. Lucifer drove and I sat in the passenger's seat. He smiled at me, "So Sam, tell me, do you like action movies?"_

_"Why?" I asked slowly._

_"Well..." He began, slowing the car to a stop. _

_"Why are we stopping?!" I shouted reaching for the seat belt but Lucifer grabbed my hand. He wouldn't let me escape and I think he may have injected me with some kind of drug. I do remember that I looked up just in time to see Azazel's car drive off the cliff, with only my father in it. I screamed and then everything went dark.  
_

"They had your father drive off a cliff?" Castiel asked slowly.

"Yup." Sam replied with an equal speed. His eyes were teary and he looked tired. Castiel placed a hand on Sam's shoulder. Sam let out a defeated sigh, "After that Lucifer brought me home. He took me upstairs and put me to bed. He promised me that if I said anything at all, he would come back and he would kill me. He would kill me and everyone that I cared about."

"Then why...?"

"Would I tell you?" Sam asked. "Because I know that you can keep it a secret and I needed to let someone know. I couldn't just keep running around with the weight of this on my shoulders. I couldn't. I don't want to feel so terrible all the time. I don't want to feel this pain. Plus... when you said that you had an older brother named Lucifer... I just wondered if he could be the same person. And if that was true, then maybe just maybe you knew what I felt like... So, could it be the same person?"

"No." Castiel responded robotically.

"I see." Sam started, "And there's one more thing..."

_He carries me in his arms, I think he may have drugged me which is probably why I don't fight him. Lucifer walks up the stairs, glancing into each room as he passes. He finds mine and pushes open the door with his back. He takes me across the room and puts me on my bed, pulling my shoes and socks off. Then Lucifer reaches and pulls off my coat. "Do you sleep with your shirt on?" he asks. "Answer truthfully."  
_

_ I shake my head no and he slips my shirt off, "There you go." He says softly. He takes the blankets and pulls them over me. I shudder because the temperature change is a little much. Lucifer rubs my arm, then pulls the blankets up by my neck.  
_

_"Sam Winchester, I know that you don't understand what's going on." Lucifer said in a surprisingly soft tone, brushing my hair back, "And I'm sorry that I have to threaten you but you can't tell anyone- not a single soul. If you do, I will kill your family and then I will go down the list picking off everyone you know one by one. I have connections- more connections then you could ever imagine- and I will find them all and I will kill each and everyone of them. Then I will kill you, Sam Winchester." he smirked pulling the covers down, he leaned over my chest and kissed me softly over the heart. "I will rip your heart out if I have to."  
_

_"Why me?" I whispered, tears flooding my face. He smiled and pulled the blankets back up around my neck.  
_

_"Because it had to be you." he whispers back, putting his forehead on mine. "It always had to be you. Sam. And for that, I am so sorry. So sorry that you have to be in the middle of this, but you're smart, you're young, quick, intelligent, manipulative, and most of all calculating- when you want to be. I will push you to be that person, because I need that person. I've been watching you for quite some time and I learned a lot from your father. Not that he meant to tell me what I know but see, I'm good at asking questions without actually asking them. So see Sam, one day soon I will come for you and I will take you under my wing and you will learn all there is to know."  
_

_"What if I don't want to be like you. What if I just want to be-"  
_

_"Normal?" Lucifer chuckles under his breath, "Sam Winchester you were never going to be normal. That's exactly why I need you. You have the potential to be a better me then I am."_

"He told me that I would learn to be just like him." Sam said shaking. "But I don't want to be like that... I just want to be normal... I just want to be like everyone else..."

"Sam, normal is irrelevant. It doesn't exist. We are all different, we have different names, different customs, beliefs, attitudes, opinions, even appearances. We are all different, you can't be normal Sam. No one is." Castiel reasoned.

"And that's supposed to make me feel better?" Sam argued.

Castiel shrugged, "You can take it anyway that you want."

Sam let out a huge sigh, "Cas... remind me not to ask you for advice next time I feel like crap."

"Duly noted."

Sam let out a gentle laugh. "At least if everything falls apart I can always count on on your awkward inability to socialize to make me laugh." A silence fell on them both, the conversation coming to a pause.

"It is... not your fault." Cas responded lamely.

"I know..." Sam conceded, "It's late, we should sleep." Cas merely nodded and Sam headed back to his bed but neither slept for the rest of the night.

* * *

_I think that this chapter has taken my 'favorite chapter to write thus far' spot. I really had fun toggling between fantasy and reality. Especially in Sam's flashback, the back and forth between his dialogue and his first person accounts of what happened that night. It was a lot of fun using that story as a kind of jump rope between the past and the present. My original idea was to simply have Sam explain the whole thing in dialogue but I decided to do this jumping back and forth thing._

_Where Sam is telling Castiel the story, he's recalling the past and at the same time Cas is imagining what the whole thing must be like. The whole idea was to make the transitions feel a bit jumpy between the past and present because I think Sam's mind is a little more jumpy. Though I do feel bad because this chapter may be slightly more difficult to follow with so many changes. I mean first were in Castiel's past, then were in third person, then were in Sam's past (bouncing back and forth between Sam's past and third person), then third person.  
_

_I'm happy with how this chapter turned out. Another monster of a chapter though. This chapter was also fun because I got to play with a lot of different shippings. I mean I made hints at Lucifer/Cas (though it isn't intended to be romantic I know someone out there will take it that way) and Sam/Lucifer (which was totally intentional).  
_

_We finally got to find out what happened to Sam that got him here.  
_

_I really hope you guys let me know what you thought of this chapter since it was such a doozy!  
_


	9. Ch 9 Hangman

Ch. 9 Hangman

The morning was blooming with bright white sunlight, the nurses even had the radio on so everyone could hear. The forecast said it was going to be warm today- in the high eighties with lots of sunshine. The whole world seemed to think today was going to be a great day. Yet, Castiel felt that there was something foreboding about the day. Perhaps it was the new medication that his doctor had prescribed or just his general pessimism towards life.

It had been a week since his chat with Sam. Dean still hadn't come to visit Sam- Castiel assumed he was still angry. Thus guilt had been a regular occurrence whenever Sam would mention his brother. Strangely, Castiel knew that Dean's frustration wasn't entirely his fault. Dean probably had a lot on his plate and it was easier for him to take it out on someone who was already there- but as with most things Castiel took on the role of the guilty party.

Ever since he was little, he had taken the blame whenever someone needed someone to blame. Cas supposed that it made easier on everyone else- they could blame him and move on. In fact he was so good at pretending to be guilty he was starting to believe that by being born he committed a crime. As he lay still in his bed- musing over his sins- he was unprepared for his caretaker to thrust the curtains open.

"Good morning boys." Meg called as the sunlight blinded the sleepy boys.

Castiel blinked furiously trying let his eyes adjust to the bright light. Sam merely rolled over in his bed, pulling the pillow over his head. "Couldn't you have given us some kind of warning?" Sam complained.

"Wouldn't have had the same effect." Meg decided, rolling up Castiel's sleeve to take his blood pressure. "Besides, didn't you hear? It's supposed to be a fantastic day. You two should really get out more." she taunted.

"Screw you." Sam mumbled into his pillow. He was not the morning sunshine type of person.

"I don't understand." Castiel commented, "What would screwing her accomplish?"

Sam sat up stretching for the ceiling with his eyes closed. "Cas it's just an expression." Sam explained allowing his eyes to open slowly to adjust to light.

"Oh. I see." Cas responded quietly.

"You don't get it at all, do you?" Sam asked. Glancing over to Cas observing his confused and befuddled expression.

"No."

Breakfast was slow, the nurses had gotten backed up so it was about half an hour later then normal. Some of the tenants were getting testy about it but Sam and Cas didn't seem to mind. The two stayed in their room waiting- since after Meg's rude wake up call they couldn't fall back asleep.

"So it's close to the middle of August now, what if we don't get out in time for school? What do you think the school system will do?" Sam questioned.

Castiel pondered the question momentarily, "I have no idea. My best guess would be that they do some kind of academic suspension, when we come back we have to make it all up. Or maybe we'll just have to go to a summer school?"

Sam sighed, "I really don't want to go to summer school next year after being in here all summer this year."

"Me neither." Castiel agreed. "Though I suppose we don't really have much of a choice."

"I don't need anymore stress. Bleh." Sam said rolling onto his back. "So when do you get out? Did they give you a date or a time frame?"

Cas paused recalling his doctors words, "They said soon. The medicine is apparently working, though I don't feel any different. The doctor said in the next few days they will most likely release me."

"Lucky. They don't know when I'll get out." Sam groaned.

"I'm sure they will let you out when you're ready." Cas suggested, Sam nodded.

"Truth is I don't know if I want to go home. It's just a pile of issues I don't know if I'm ready to deal with. You know?" Cas nodded.

After lunch Sam and Cas decided to rest in their room. It was a pretty routine thing that the two of them did- depending on how both of them were feeling. Sam seemed to be having an up day, which was good for Castiel. It meant that the two of them would probably spend their time doing something at least semi-entertaining. Sam sat up on his bed, "So you wanna play a game?"

Cas shrugged- even though he didn't want to admit it- he enjoyed Sam's games. It reminded him that even though he was on the verge of adulthood he could still remember what it feels like to be a kid. "Alright." Cas conceded. Sam smiled and left to go get a deck of cards.

"Castiel?" a nurse called from the doorway. Castiel turned around quickly looking at the nurse. "Your brother is here to talk with the doctor. You should get your things together, chances are they'll release you today once your brother finds out what he needs to do to keep you safe."

_They're letting me go?  
_

"I'm being released?" Castiel asked slowly. The nurse smiled and gave a small nod, leaving the room. He rose to his feet glancing around the room, as if it may be the last time that he see's it. Sam returned with a deck of cards, but he waited in the doorway.

"Cas?" Sam asked slowly.

"Have you ever looked at room?" Castiel asked slowly, facing away from Sam. "I mean really looked at it, almost as if you're looking at it for the first time? As if you're observing every detail." Sam blinked taking a few steps forward. Castiel turned slowly, watching the world pass him by as he moved. He stopped when he came face to face with Sam.

"Are you okay Cas?" Sam questioned.

"I'm being released in a few hours." Castiel stated.

"That's great. I'm happy for you!" Sam said with a smile, "Though, I'll miss you too. I think of you as a good friend Castiel. Do you think- when I get out- er... maybe we could hang out sometime? You know me and you and Dean too."

"Of course." Castiel said with a small smile.

"Here." Sam said grabbing a piece of paper and scribbling a number down on it. "It's our house phone number. This way you can call us and check and see if I'm back. Plus, you could probably hang out with Dean and come to visit me if you want." Castiel nodded slowly taking the paper and shoving it into the pocket of his trench coat.

_That would be a great idea, if Dean didn't hate my guts. _

"How about I finish packing really quick and we play a quick game?" Cas asked trying to get a smile on Sam's face. Sam nodded excitedly and rushed over to help Castiel put his few things into a plastic bag one of the nurses had given him. In fact, Sam was so eager Castiel barely had to do any packing at all. After the speedy packing Cas plopped himself down on Sam's bed. Sam began laying out the cards setting them up to play speed. After three rounds of speed, Sam winning all three since Castiel didn't really understand the concept, there was a knock at the door.

"Yo, Castiel." Gabriel said with a cheeky smile. "Oh and Sam, right? Nice to see you again." Sam raised his left hand as if to say 'hello'. Gabe crossed the room, hooking his right arm around his younger brother. "Ready to go?"

Castiel nodded slowly, "Yeah."

Gabe smiled looking at his younger brother, observing his reluctance to leave his friend. "Here." he said reaching to Sam giving him a piece of paper. "It's our phone number, you and Cas seem to have an attachment as friends. I wouldn't want to ruin that, plus it's the first friend that Cas has made in ages. He could use all the friends he can get." Cas sighed audibly, punching Gabe in the arm. "Ow." he commented.

"That didn't hurt." Castiel commented, "It wasn't even hard."

Gabe laughed a little and went back to smiling. "Really Sam, it's been a pleasure to meet you."

Sam smiled. "It's been a pleasure meeting you too. See you around Cas."

Castiel nodded.

"Gabriel is it possible that Lucifer has returned?" Castiel asked as their car pulled out of the hospital's parking lot. Gabe stayed quiet. He was pondering something but whatever it was he didn't seem to want to share. He cranked the radio up and rolled down the windows letting the warm summers air rush into the cab of the car. Gabe smiled, switching the radio over to CD.

_I'm just a guy that never tried_  
_ I'm just a stupid fuck with brilliant luck_  
_ and sometimes a bright idea_  
_ So shower me in a chorus of compliments_  
_ and verse I don't deserve_  
_ I might run but I'll never hide..._

"So we gotta swing by the airport. You mind heading straight over there or should I drop you off at home first?" Gabriel asked leaning one hand out the window. He was always so relaxed, it was strange. Castiel remembered him being so panicked whenever Lucifer was involved but any other time he seemed really relaxed. He was like a bear hibernating, but whenever Lucifer was involved that bear would jump into action mode.

"I suppose that's fine." Castiel replied. "Why do you need to 'swing by' the airport?"

"Well, the hospital called me about a week ago telling me that you would be out. I figured that you'd want to be surrounded by people that make you happy. So... I called in some favors, talked to some people, and I tracked down an old friend." Gabriel commented over the music.

Castiel looked a bit surprised, "An old friend? Who?"

"Your cousin." Gabriel responded.

"We have lots of cousins, Gabriel." the blue eyed angel responded slowly, but his brother didn't respond. He simply smiled his coy smile and kept driving.

The airport was busy as usual. Castiel never much cared for airports, he hung closely to his brother trying to make sure that no one noticed him. It was almost as if Cas was trying to sink into his shadow. "Come on follow me." Gabriel said, motioning for Cas to follow. Cas obeyed following to close for comfort. "Alright were looking for flight exit C2. Cas you okay?"

"Fine, just uncomfortable with all of these people." Cas said quickly.

_It's like they're all in a school of fish. Swimming mindlessly to their doom, completely oblivious to the sharks in deeper waters. I don't want to be in this place, it's stifling. It almost feels like everyone here is wearing the same face. The same blank and busied expression that they use to face the monotony of life. How do people live life like this? How can people take such value in such worthlessness. The only difference between these people is their appearance. She's in a pink skirt, he has a red tie, she's got blue headphones, he's talking on a black cell phone; I wonder if when these people look at me all they see is a tan trench coat._

Gabriel took a little faster stride, "Man he's gonna think we left him hanging if we aren't there on time. He might get right back on that plane. Come on Castiel." The elder brother seized his fledgling sibling's arm, helping him to move in a more agile way. After fifteen minutes of circling around people who all seemed too busy to care about anyone but themselves the two managed to make their way to flight exit C2. There they found that the flight had been delayed and wouldn't be in for another twenty minutes. The two plopped themselves down on a nearby bench.

"Who are we picking up?" Castiel questioned hoping that this time his brother would give him an actual response. Much to Castiel's displeasure his brother only shrugged his shoulders. Almost as if to say, 'It's no big deal you'll find out soon'. Castiel sighed and decided to observe, after a few moments his eyes caught a small boy and his mother. Envy struck Castiel's chest as he watched the caring parent help her child.

_He appears to have lost something- perhaps that's why the boy is crying, or maybe he hurt himself, or he's nervous. Maybe he just wants to cause a scene. Some children simply have a knack for attracting the attention of others, usually because they don't get enough attention at home. I hope that's not why this boy is upset.  
_

The mother of the boy crouched in front of the weeping boy. She took his hand and smiled, he seemed to relax when she had a hold on his hand. The boy was still crying but he at least seemed to be eased.

_It's strange how easily children can be soothed. The mother takes his hand and he stops crying, yet almost every person who has had a child says that being a parent is the most difficult thing they've ever done. How strange it is that no one ever questions the contradiction of that. It seems to be a universal thought, perhaps a social norm that parents use to bond. They can bond over the stories of difficulties they've had with their children- why would anyone want to bond over hardships like that? I suppose it could a type of banding together, that people are stronger when they can group together. The idea that many is stronger then one. The downfall of one is they can only accomplish a little, however they have an advantage of individuality and speed, at least sometimes. However, in a group they can accomplish lots in a little time if it's a large job, but they lose themselves doing it. In the end their is no ideal situation- be alone there's a pitfall- be in a group there's a pitfall. Why can nothing ever be ideal?_

_I wonder if mother had lived would she have held my hand like that?  
_

Castiel turned his head slightly to the side, confusion behind his blue eyes. "Mm? Watcha' lookin' at Cassy pants?" Gabriel questioned, noticing his brothers befuddled expression.

"I told you not to call me that." he responded without blinking or turning his head.

Gabriel sighed, "Man just when I think I can get the slip on you because you aren't paying attention, you just love proving me wrong don't you?"

"I believe this is the part where I am supposed to say something along the lines of, 'You make it to easy'." Castiel said turning back to his brother who cracked a huge smile and even a little laugh.

"My dear, did you just make a funny little brother?" Gabe asked.

Castiel paused for a long moment to think, "Funny is relative, I don't think I can judge if I 'made a funny'."

"And there we go back to plain old Cas." Gabe chuckled.

"So Castiel cracked a joke? Alert the press, this is a huge step. I didn't think I was gone that long." a voice rang.

Castiel and Gabriel both turned quickly. The man stood lax, his shoulders relaxed and luggage laying next to him. He wore blue jeans and a suit jacket with a T-shirt underneath- he had a cocky smile on his face. His blue eyes penetrating the brother's gaze. Gabriel rose to his feet a huge smile crossed his face as he extended his arms for a huge hug, "Balthazar, it's great to see you."

Balthazar stepped into the hug, his arms accepting Gabriel's body with ease. "Gabriel." he let go when Gabriel tapped his back a few times. Then blue eyed Balthazar stepped towards Castiel, "And Castiel, out of the hospital. It's great to see you." he pulled Cas into a quick embrace. Castiel stood still, allowing Balthazar to hold him for as long as he deemed necessary. His arms however, remained limp at his sides.

"You never were one to hug back were you?" Balthazar said letting go of Castiel. "Alright let's get the hell out of here its way to crowded."

_The same old house. A large German villa styled house up a long road, surrounded by woods. It's a beautiful place, I've always liked it even if it's been a place that I was tormented for years. The woods add a lot of character to the house I think, its like a place from a dream. A fantasy- or a nightmare- at least on some occasions. I suppose it's served as both on more then one occasion. _

Balthazar carries his luggage slung over his shoulder, "Ah, this place hasn't changed one bit."

"Yup. Same old house." Gabriel smiled tossing the keys to the house over to Castiel. He had insisted on carrying Castiel's things so he needed Cas to open the door for them. Once the door was open the three stepped inside.

"Yes the same old, creepy, almost a mansion house that you live in." Balthazar commented observing all the space in the foyer.

"Hey lot of kids- lot of rooms- big house." Gabriel shrugged. "Alright so, Balthazar you can put your things upstairs, in the first room on the left. And Cas I will take these things to your room."

Cas stood awkwardly, "What do you want me to do?"

"Just relax. You just got back from the hospital so as far as I'm concerned you just need to rest. Alright?" Gabe said with a smile, heading up the stairs with Balthazar.

Castiel found his way into the kitchen, glancing around. It was the same as it used to be, except a lot cleaner. Which made sense since Gabriel and himself were the only ones who lived there anymore. Cas pulled out a kitchen chair and sat, he didn't really know what to do. He wasn't sure what it was that relaxing entailed.

_The room is the same that it has always been, soft yellow walls with cute curtains on all of the window. They had some kind of floral print on them- mom loved flowers. I remember when I was little she planted flower beds all around the house, dad didn't really take much notice. I can still hear her voice, "Castiel it's okay if dad doesn't look at these flowers because when I see them, they make me smile. Just like you." and then she would pick me up and give me a kiss on the forehead. "You're so cute Castiel. Mommy's little angel."_

"Cas." Gabe said touching the back of the chair. "You okay?"

"Just tired."

Concern flooded the elder brothers eyes, "Then why don't you go lay down and get some sleep? Me and Balthazar will still be here when you wake up."

Castiel headed upstairs in dread, he knew he should sleep but at the same time he knew that if he did the nightmares would be much worse. He found his way to his room at the end of the hall. Cas kicked his shoes off and flopped onto his bed, he took the trench coat and held on tightly. He drew in a breath, the coat smelled the same as his room did but there was another scent below that. One scent that no one could erase, his mothers. The coat had been a gift from her, even though it was a man's coat his mother had been fond of it. She said that she loved the style of trench coats.

She said that she loved them ever since she was little. This trench coat was the first one that she owned, their father bought it for her as a present for their first valentines day together. It was way too big for her still she had appreciated the sentiment. She always got a dreamy expression when she told the story of how she got the coat. When she passed away and their father had left Castiel took up wearing it.

At first, it was his way of grieving, while some people might wear some kind of jewelry their loved ones had or maybe they would keep drawings or letters other keeps sakes. Castiel took up wearing the coat as a way of grieving over her loss, at night he would clutch it almost as if it were a security blanket of sorts. If he needed too, he would cry as he held to close to his chest. Sometimes after Lucifer would hit him or scream at him, he would hold on tightly, feeling as if his mother was holding onto him.

Now, he wore the coat out of principle. He felt wrong and naked without it- even though he wouldn't admit it out loud- sometimes at night even now he would still curl up with it. Castiel sighed, pulling the coat close to him. He hadn't bothered turning the lights off so he didn't need to worry about them and as far as his clothes were concerned he didn't really feel like getting out of them. So Castiel shut his eyes to the world and prayed for pleasant dreams, knowing that they would never find him.

"So unto the real reason that I called you." Gabriel said making coffee for them both, pacing as the pot brewed slowly.

Balthazar nodded, "Yes I assume it's not just because you wanted to chat and I also assume its not just because you wanted me to stop by to visit Castiel- though that is quite the bonus. So why am I really here?"

Gabriel sighed passing the first cup to his guest, "Well, the truth is- I think Lucifer may be back."

"I never liked that bastard." he sighed. "How do you know?"

"I saw some of his minions in the hospital when Castiel was first transferred there, I recognized two of them. There's probably more in different places but I definitely recognized the two at the hospital. I think he may have found the one he wants to be his apprentice. Before he left he would tell Castiel that if he wasn't so soft and he wasn't his little brother he would make him into his apprentice. He told Cas of all of these crazy ideas about how he needed an apprentice to complete his 'villainous plot'."

"Alright so were in for doomsday basically." Balthazar said pinching his nose.

Gabriel nodded, "I guess. Anyway I called you because if Lucifer is around- we could very well be seeing him. I wanted someone around to help me protect Cas. He's almost ended up dead several times in the past and I don't want anything bad to happen to him."

"Yes I suppose we can both agree that Castiel's childhood has been different from most."

"So you'll help me?" Gabe questioned.

"Of course."

* * *

_A shorter chapter, at least in comparison to the past few. Still I wanted to go a little lighter to give a nice break from the drama. I also used this chapter to introduce Balthazar! Yay. While he won't be a major character he is in fact gonna be around some so you know. The song that Gabriel plays in the car and the name of the chapter is called 'Hangman' by Motion City Soundtrack. It's a fantastic song.  
_

_Also poor Castiel.  
_

_I really appreciate all of the feedback that I'm getting. So thanks guys!_


	10. Ch 10 Who I've Been

Ch. 10 Who I've Been

The plaid sheets felt utterly soft against Dean's tanned skin. The sunlight was so bright that it was flooding the room even thought the curtains were closed. Dean didn't mind though, the sun was warm and so like a cat Dean was stretched out over his entire bed. He hadn't felt this relaxed in a long time and he wanted to enjoy it. "Freaking fantastic." he cooed happily. Dean Winchester was determined to keep himself in bed today and he was determined to enjoy every moment of it. Work had given him the day off, he would spend it doing whatever he saw fit.

Dean rolled onto his stomach, shoving his hands underneath his pillow and letting the sunlight warm his back. It had been weeks since his fight with Castiel and his fight with Jo. Time had given him the time to reconsider his actions, every time he thought about it guilt would roll and bulge in his gut causing him to almost feel physically ill. He knew that he owed both parties an apology but he couldn't seem to find the courage to do so. Dean should have known that Castiel wasn't the type of rotten to screw with someone intentionally. He was too much of a helpless puppy to be someone like that.

Then there was Jo and every time that he tried to apologize to her for his behavior the words would get stuck like a thick clump of mucus in his throat. The truth was that he felt awful, but he was too afraid to do anything about it. Thus it led to weeks of grief that would consume his thoughts. So naturally now that he had the time to welcome in the radiant summer sun, he would gladly take it as a mini vacation from his problems. Everyone needed a break every once and a while.

A soft knock interrupted Dean's utter relaxation. He allowed his head to wander around until he found the source of the knock. His mother stood in the doorway with her signature smile. Dean swore that her smile was just as radiant as the sun was. Still he knew that she was coming to get him up and he didn't want that. "Guhh... what do you want mom?" Dean asked.

"Honey it's almost noon you should get up." she said shifting her stance so she was standing on both feet. It was clear she was trying to give off the authoritative vibe, but Dean wasn't buying it.

The rebellious teen shifted so his face was buried in his pillow, "We seem to be having this discussion a lot lately."

Mary cracked a smile, "Then maybe you should mix it up and listen to me this time."

Dean sat up, "Nah, that'd ruin my winning streak." Mary rolled her eyes, but it was clear that she wasn't mad since she still had the same smile. "Hey why aren't you wearing your uniform?"

"Well, they decided to give me the week off. With school coming up I have a lot of preparations for my students so they gave me some time so I could get everything ready." Mary explained.

"Awesome." Dean said happily.

"I was thinking of going to visit Sam today. Then tomorrow I could get a jump on work. Would you like to come with me? It's been weeks since you've seen Sam and his friend Castiel." she said merrily.

"Yeah..." Dean responded, suddenly uninterested.

"Are you alright Dean?" Mary asked. Dean nodded.

"Just give me a minute to get decent and I'll go with you alright?"

Mary smiled and left the room leaving Dean alone. He rose out of his bed, suddenly his relaxation ruined. Dean stripped out of his boxers deciding that the pair he had on needed to be cleaned, he groped around his dresser looking for a new pair. Dread began crawling its way up his gut, leeching itself on his insides. He pulled on clean boxers and jeans, "Well this'll be fun." he said softly as he pulled on a gray T-shirt.

When he made his way down the stairs he saw that Mary was already in the car. He grabbed his keys and shoved them into one of the front pockets of his jeans- just in case.

He climbed into the car and looked to his mother. "Alright, let's ride."

Mary expressed a look of concern, "Dean is everything alright?"

"It's nothing you can fix mom."

Dean knocked on the door to Sam's room, Mary was off talking with the doctor about Sam's release date. So Dean was alone on this- he saw his brother staring blankly out the bedroom window. Castiel was missing, which seemed a bit odd since he didn't seem like he had much of a reason to be anywhere else. It was odd- with his brother sitting there like that- he reminded him of Cas. That lost and dreamy expression like he was thinking about something far off.

"Dammit." Dean muttered, he was thinking of Cas again. Sam didn't seem to hear him though, whatever he was thinking about he was thinking about it hard. "Sammy." Dean said with all the enthusiasm he could muster. Sam whipped around smiling.

"Dean!" he jumped to his feet and nearly fell flat on his ass before he reached his brother. Dean opened his arms to accept Sam into a hug. Sam squeezed tightly, "It's great to see you Dean! You haven't come by in a long time, I missed you."

"Of course you did short stuff." Dean smiled, pulling Sam into a headlock. Sam flailed and protested loudly, but Dean refused to let go. "So..."

"I'm not gonna talk until you let go of me Dean." Sam objected, Dean finally let go muttering something along the lines of 'party pooper'. Sam took a step back and sighed, "Real mature Dean, real mature."

Dean smiled, "That's me. So where's Cas, he's usually popped in on us by now?"

Sam's smiled faded, "He was released about a week ago. I have his phone number if you want it."

Dean looked away, "Nah. It's fine, I was just wondering is all." Dean trailed off leaving a long silence hanging in the air. Sam went back and sat down on his bed, he looked thoughtful. Dean shrugged and leaned against the wall, fiddling with his keys in his front pocket.

"You know it's not his fault." Sam said interrupting the silence. Dean blinked looking at Sam confused.

"What wasn't his fault?" Dean asked nervously, he didn't think Sam knew about the fight. Cas didn't seem like the type of person to talk about that kind of thing, he was such a recluse.

"The fact that I flipped out Dean." Sam said with finality.

Dean pushed himself forward so he wasn't leaning against the wall anymore. He paced over to the window, keeping a fake smile on his lips, "What are you talking about Sammy?"

"Look Dean, I know that you want to take care of me and protect me but I'm not stupid. I know you've been avoided coming here because otherwise you'd be here everyday. That's the type of brother you are, you aren't mad at me. I can put two and two together, I figured you must be mad at Castiel." Sam responded bluntly. Sam always had this way of being really forward whenever Dean was trying to avoid something.

"Sam I don't know what you're talking about." Dean said shrugging his shoulders.

Sam scoffed looking away, "I'm not blind. I can see that you care about the guy. I do too, you don't have to hide it."

"Well that's where your wrong Sammy. Look can we just talk about something else?" Dean asked quickly.

"Fine."

_I sighed laying my head down on the grass. I was on a hill, I have no idea how I got here and to be honest I don't really care. The grass is warm and while most grass usually feel prickly this grass feels soft. Like laying on silk sheets, although I've never actually done that- I guess it's how I'd imagine laying on silk sheets to be. Whatever. My eyes are closed and I hear a soft sound of rushing water._

_I sit up. I'm in a reclusive area and there's a lake with crystal clear water just at the bottom of this hill. There's a boat down by the small dock, with some fishing gear inside. If I felt like it I guess I could take them both and put them to good use but right now I'm just enjoying the sun. At the top of the hill, there are a bunch of trees. The whole place is like a private paradise. I don't know how I know, but for some reason I gauge that there's a cabin just beyond the woods.  
_

_The clouds are puffy- the perfect shape- plus they're rolling across the skies. The sun may be warm but if it was continuous it might get a little hot, so the clouds are a perfect remedy to that problem. The temperature is probably around the seventies and that's just the way that I like it. I look around, my leather jacket is laying on the ground next to me. This place is friggan great.  
_

_"Ah, this is awesome." I say out loud. I hear soft footsteps behind me, they're getting louder.  
_

_"Hello Dean."  
_

_He appears in the same spontaneous manner as always, I don't bother to move. I don't even bother to speak, I'm relaxed and I don't feel like making a big deal about what's going on. I just want to enjoy this nice summer, fall day. I'm not really sure what season it is, the leaves are starting to change though so I'm guessing it's at least September. I hear him walk forward a little, then he plops down next to me. I open one eye and gaze at him, he's wearing a v necked short sleeve shirt. It's white- you know white really suits Castiel. He's also got on some skinny jeans, his trench coat is laying next to him.  
_

_"What do you want Cas?" I ask closing my eyes again. He chuckles softly- his laugh is innocent though it has a little edge to it- suppose it's the natural roughness in his tone.  
_

_"I'm here to see you. You didn't come visit me in the hospital so I figured I'd come find you."  
_

_I open my eyes and sit up slowly, he has a gentle smile on his face. "You're... smiling..."  
_

_He chuckles again, "Am I not allowed to smile?"  
_

_I flop backwards, hitting the ground with a thud. I close my eyes, "I must be dreaming."  
_

_"Of course your dreaming." Castiel says.  
_

_I open my eyes, gazing at him, "So what is this like a lucid dream?"  
_

_Castiel shrugs, "Why don't you try doing something crazy?"  
_

_I sit up, my eyes still focused on him, "Like?" he shrugs again. "I mean I guess I could go jump in the lake or something."  
_

_Castiel doesn't seem to mind what I do but he looks almost- expectant. Its a strange look on him, one I don't think I've ever seen before. Were stuck in a stare down, Castiel's smile is gone but he still looks expectant. His eyes remind me of the lake at the bottom of the hill- they're so pure- almost angelic. My words are stuck in my throat as I watch him. We sit like that for a long time, to me it seems like an eternity but it's a dream so I don't worry about the time I spend gazing.  
_

_Suddenly he rises to his feet, "Walk with me?" he asks, leaving his trench coat. I oblige and stand up too. We walk down to the dock of the lake, the water is sparkling with the reflection of the sun. We stand in silence for a long time, but neither of us seem to mind. "Dean, I know that you're angry with me."  
_

_I shrug. "I'm not mad Cas, not really. Just confused I guess. There's a lot happening in my life and I guess I used you as a scape goat."  
_

_Castiel rests a hand on my shoulder, I look and his eyes are relaxed. It's as if he's saying, "I forgive you" without actually saying it. I guess that's fine because I don't have the balls to actually say the words, "I'm sorry." Then his small smile changes from a smile to a smirk.  
_

_"What the-!"  
_

_Before I know it I'm underwater. I can't believe he shoved me into the water. I flail my limbs and head up to the surface. It's hard to swim in full clothing, especially jeans. I guess the material gets too heavy when it's weighted with water. The good news is that the water is warm, it feels nice and it's crystal clear under the surface. I gasp for air when my head pushes past the surface, "Son of a bitch Cas! What the hell?!"  
_

_"That's for being a... as you would say, 'a little bitch'." Castiel crouched on the dock in front of me. I am not gonna let him get away with that. I swim as close to the dock as I can, he's within reach and he doesn't move.  
_

_"You know what Cas? That's just the type of awesome that I am." Cas cocks his head to the side. I smirk and shoot my right arm out of the water grabbing a hold of his ankle. I rip him forward, which in hindsight isn't the best idea because it sends him toppling forward into me. We both plunge into the water, were really close to each other even as we go under the water.  
_

_It doesn't hurt to have my eyes open under the water and it doesn't seem to hurt him either. That stare we had earlier is resurrected and even under the water we look at each other unblinking. We just float still in the water, I start to swim up but Castiel grabs my hand. Doesn't he know we need to breathe? He takes my hand and pulls me further into the water, I follow him as we swim down. The lake seems to be a lot deeper then I first gave it credit for.  
_

_That's when I see it, what I thought was the bottom of the lake bed turns into an ocean floor. Coral reefs everywhere, colorful fish everywhere. Hell, I think I even saw a couple of mermaids around. Feet or no feet, mermaids are still pretty hot. Especially the ones that don't wear tops. Still the water doesn't seem to be hurting my eyes and I realize that I don't need to breathe either. We swim towards an underground grotto, we swim to the top where there's a pocket of air. _

_"What are we doing Cas?" I ask, confused on how this is even happening.  
_

_Another small smile comes to his face, "Were doing something crazy. You didn't seem to want to take the initiative so..." he trails off looking into my eyes with that same expecting look.  
_

_"You want me to take the initiative?" I ask slowly. He doesn't make any indication he just keeps staring at me- with those blue eyes.  
_

_I don't know what the hell comes over me, I reach forward and hold his face in my hands. A small rosiness creeps into his cheeks. _

_I can't- that stare- it's just- er-  
_

_I press my lips onto his, my eyes close on instinct. His cheeks heat up, I can feel the heat from his face on mine. His hands touch my sides, something needs to hold us together as we float in suspension. His lips are soft, just like I imagined they'd be. I create a little distance between us, then I kiss him again. I use my legs to push him over to the wall. I keep kissing him, over and over.  
_

_He pulls back trying to get some words out but I refuse to stop. Finally he manages, "Dean."  
_

_"Mm?" I say, moving from his face to his neck.  
_

_"Dean, we... what's- is this- I don't..." he stumbles.  
_

_I pull back just for a minute, "Look Cas, I've been an asshole to you. I've been a total dick, alright? And I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. I've stressed out and I took it out on you. You didn't deserve it, but you were there and I needed someone to be angry at."  
_

_"Dean it's-"_

Dean rolls over, causing the plaid sheets to ruffle up together. The tired teen looked to the ceiling, watching the shadows move. There's no more sunlight to enjoy, the night is cold and unforgiving. Today definitely didn't go as planned. Dean Winchester felt more stressed then ever.

"Dammit."

* * *

_To Supernaturalgirl, who keeps giving me lovely reviews, yes. I do read my reviews but I actually did plan to write in Balthazar. _

_And to Zavijah I am glad that you spent the first part of the last chapter with dread and suspicion, because that means that I am successful in writing my villain._

_Huzzah. So another slower chapter, no huge drama bomb going on. Which is good with me because writing drama is really fun but it can also be very demanding I think. In this chapter I got to lay back and play with imagery (a lot more then usual which I really enjoy) and I also found that I love writing Dean and Mary interacting with each other. Dean is so goofy with his mom and it's a lot of fun to write._

_And then there's the dream sequence. Ohhhhhhhhh the dream sequence. Do you know how hard it is to write a romance scene where Dean Winchester likes another man and keep him in character at the same time? It's very, very tough. And Cas is ten times harder because he's so emotionless in the show. Having him portray a romantic interest in anyone is also really hard._

_Lastly the title of the chapter, "Who I've Been" is based on the song 'Who I Am Hates Who I've Been' by Relient K. _

_I'm excited, were coming up to one of my favorite chapters to plan (and one of the original chapters when the story was just an idea in my head).  
_

_As always rate, review, favorite, ect. I send you all much love and thank you sincerely from the bottom of my heart, the feedback means so much to me.  
_


	11. Ch 11 Gravity

Ch. 11 Gravity

_You know it's frustrating as hell when every time you dream, you dream of this one guy. I mean you don't even really have a thing for this guy- he's just your friend- but you keep dreaming of him. Every night you lay your head down and there he is, staring at you with those damn blue eyes. I borderline despise those eyes by now- seriously a man needs his rest._

The eldest Winchester held still as the hot running water ran down his body. Dean had routine of always taking his showers in the morning- it was almost an unwritten rule. Like the rule that you couldn't eat soup in the summer, or you couldn't eat ice cream in winter. The rule that on weekends, you didn't wake up until after nine, at least. Then there was the rule that you didn't use the urinal next to someone, even if it meant waiting.

As strange as some of his rules were, Dean believed in each and everyone of them. He would follow them religiously, they were just little habits that he had happened to get into. As human beings tend to be creatures of habit.

_I'm not even that neurotic. Not as much as most people are, there are just certain things that I do. I guess everyone falls into a pattern from time to time. Then overtime we end up in more and more patterns. It's no big deal, as long as they're healthy but they aren't always. I guess I probably should be the last person to talk about healthy habits._

Dean scrubbed his head, giving himself a small head massage as he shampooed his hair. It was a way of making himself feel better, especially when things were crappy. So really, everyday since his dad died.

He began trying to get an idea of what he was going to be doing all day- no school yet, no work today, but mom wasn't around. Dean had just visited Sammy yesterday and Sam said they were having some big group thing- he wasn't really paying that much attention- so today probably wasn't the best day to be visiting. He had tried to stay in bed for a long time but whenever he dreamed, he dreamed of Cas. That was getting tiring, so he decided to get out of bed. Lastly there was nothing good on day time TV.

_Bummer._

Dean let out a sigh, switching the shower off. He supposed that he owed Jo a visit and an apology, though he wasn't sure. After the last time- he wasn't sure if she really wanted to talk to him. Still though, he needed to get over this guilt he was having. Especially if guilt was the reason he spent every night as a flaming homosexual in dream land. Some of the dreams had seemed at least semi plausible, but then there were outrageous ones too. The outrageous ones were the reason he had decided to get out of bed in the morning. Dean swore that if had to remember one more dream about screwing Castiel- while whispering passionate sweet nothings into his ear and gushing about flowers, rainbows, and feelings- he was going to shoot someone. It was one thing to have a dream, it was another to remember it in vivid and excruciating detail.

The teen stepped out of the shower, wrapping himself in a towel. This reminded him of one of his dreams, as hot as shower sex was not with Cas. He groaned thinking about those stupid dreams again. He reached over and flipped his cell phone open- no new messages.

"Alright, now or never." Dean said softly opening up his contacts and looking for Jo. He flipped it open and waited as the phone rang.

"Dean Winchester." Jo jabbed.

Dean let out a soft sigh, pulling on his boxers and jeans. "Hey- Jo..."

"So you call to apologize?"

"No... I mean- Yes. Just not over the phone... Look..." Dean stumbled.

Jo chuckled softly, "Three o' clock. Down by the river. We'll go walking like we used to."

Before Dean had time to answer the phone clicked and turned off, Jo wasn't going to give the pleasure of negotiating. He sighed and left the room, stopping to look at the clock on the wall in the hallway. He had time to grab lunch and head out, he would have to walk there because there was no where to park his car. Unless he wanted to park her on the side of the road- which he really didn't. If he parked her on the side of the road then someone could break in and he didn't want that. Wouldn't risk it.

The teen pulled open his fridge looking at the contents, "Lunch meat, left over hamburger helper, ugh... Guess I'll make a huge sandwich."

After eating lunch- which was delicious- he headed out being sure to lock the door behind him. His mom was always reminding him to lock the door or someone might break in. 'We need to make sure to be extra careful, since we don't have a whole lot of money to replace things if they get stolen.'

Dean walked down the sidewalk, shoving his hands into his pockets. The good news is it was warm outside, mild, upper seventies. It had been warm all week, typical of mid August. Though they hadn't seen a rain cloud in weeks and it was starting to kill the grass. Dean didn't need to carry a jacket, the sun was shinning through rolling thin and wispy clouds. The clouds didn't quite block out the sun, but they also still let the warmth through. They were ideal for days like today, when people had to get somewhere.

He strolled down the sidewalk observing the people walking by. There were quite a lot of people out on this mild August day. Most of them were young couples or teenagers- lots of the teens were probably just looking for a place to smoke. Dean decided to stop by the drug store picking up a bottle of orange soda.

_Even when I get there what am I gonna say to her? "I'm sorry I was such a raging dick." Or maybe I should try something along the lines of, "I'm so, so sorry please forgive me." Then again begging really isn't my style. Jo wouldn't believe it for a second. _

Dean sighed, he was almost there. He flipped open his phone realizing that he was half an hour earlier then he needed to be, "Better late then never I guess." When he got there he sat by the river, the park that he was at had been there since Lawrence was founded. It was a reclusive area, lots of tree's around. A few wealthy land owners had houses around there.

The town had sold some of the parks in auctions making huge money off of anyone who wanted to buy. What dicks. The river, was cleaned every spring on earth day and in the summer months lots of kids would come by to play there. When Dean, Sam, and Jo were little the three of them would meet up there sometimes to play. It was also a hot spot for teenagers to have sex, do drugs, and other illegal paraphernalia.

Dean picked up a jagged piece of slate, tossing it across the river and watching it skip. The river wasn't very deep- maybe thigh high at most- but fish would still swim around in the water. Sometimes Dean and Sam would make a game of trying to hand fish, which was difficult. They never really caught anything, but still they were good memories.

"Hey Deano." a voice rang from behind.

Dean turned, looking at the source, "Jo."

Jo smiled and walked a little closer, "Alright, walk with me so the groveling can begin."

"You know I don't grovel." Dean said rising to his feet.

"I beg to differ." Jo retorted as they headed into the wood work.

"Oh do you now?" Dean returned.

Jo cracked a quick smile, "Yes I do. Especially when it's me, my mom, or your mom."

"That's only because your mom might hurt me." Dean joked.

"My point is still valid." Jo quipped.

Dean sighed, "Alright, I'm only saying this once. I'm sorry I was a raging dick monkey." Jo started cracking up. "I'm serious."

"How can you be serious when you use the phrase, 'raging dick monkey'?" Jo laughed. Dean smiled, he was glad that humor still worked on his good friend. As they walked she reached and plucked a leaf off a tree, thumbing it between her index finger and thumb. "I mean seriously? Where do you come up with this stuff?"

"I don't know." the elder Winchester replied, "I guess I'm just that awesome." Jo rolled her eyes. "Hey I saw that." Dean quipped, pushing Jo's shoulder. Jo laughed and pushed him back in response.

"You're a pain Dean Winchester."

He shrugged, "I'd like to think it's because I'm such a joy to be around."

"Joy is the opposite of pain, you moron." Jo patronized.

"Ouch, that hurt my feelings." Dean remarked. "In all seriousness, I really am sorry. Everything is just- really jumbled up in my brain. With all this emotional shit happening, I don't really know which way is up anymore."

Jo nodded, stepping up onto a broken tree log and walking across with her arms out to keep balance, "Yeah. I get that. So did you work things out with that Castiel guy that you were talking about when we went bowling?"

"No. Not exactly." Dean returned.

Jo looked to her companion, "Your in quite the tizzy over one guy."

_What? How the hell can she even know that?_

"No I'm not." Dean insisted.

Again the blonde rolled her eyes, "Right, and I'm Mary queen of Scots."

"Well your majesty." Dean continued.

"Don't be a butt head Dean, I know that he's on your mind."

"How-?"

"Did I know?" Jo finished, "I bring him up and you get all tense. Like someone shoved a stick so far up your ass you could taste it."

"Thanks, that's... A lovely mental image." Dean said, wrinkling his nose as he thought about it.

"To quote you 'I guess I'm just that awesome'." Jo replied.

Dean sighed, "You know it sounds really arrogant when you say it like that..." Jo merely shoved Dean in response, then he shoved her back. "If you keep this up I'm gonna toss you in the river."

"I'd like to see you try." Jo jested. Dean reached for her and she smacked his hand.

"You challenged me, I figured I should hold up to my reputation."

"You know you kind of dodged that whole, 'talking about your feelings' thing." Jo retorted.

Dean frowned, caught right in the act, "You caught me. What do you want me to say Jo?"

Jo sighed, "I dunno. Just stop being so emotionally damaged, get your head out of your ass."

_Easy for you to say._

"Okay. Jeez. Rude." Dean said dropping down onto a dead log. "I dunno, so I meet this guy and I think he's fine. He's a bit different- a little bit odd I guess- cause he has this way of being clueless to everything. I don't know how the guy even functions in the real world. At the same time, I guess it peaks my interest."

"Well that's a vague answer." Jo quipped.

"I dunno, I realized, I don't know a damn thing about him. The dude's a total mystery. I mean he's just such a weird guy. He's so quiet and it's almost like, he didn't have a childhood. Like he was literally born yesterday. What makes a person turn into that? As I spent time with him, I guess that was floating around in the back of my head. I guess it bugs me. I mean- who the hell is this guy?"

Jo shrugged, "Why don't you just ask him?"

"Not that simple- I guess." Dean commented, "If I asked him I doubt he'd tell me. I think the dude's just a mystery, maybe he likes it that way. I don't know. Anyway, I guess that the real reason I snapped at him was because of that. I mean, I blame it on Sam. Saying that Cas upset Sam into another episode, but the truth is- at least I think it's the truth- I don't get him. I don't understand this guy- I can't get a read on him."

"Why do you need to get a read on him? What's so important about knowing everything about everyone else?" Jo asked slowly.

"Because- in this- the world is a cruel place. It's chalk full of evil sons of bitches that only give a crap about themselves and their money. And those people- out there- you can avoid some of them if you try. You can steer clear of those people if you know what to look for. So as long as I can read people- as long as I have that knowledge to be able to gauge when someone's worth while and when someone is evil at the core- then I can keep myself safe. I don't have to feel that pain. I don't have to get hurt by those people and Sam doesn't have to get hurt by those people."

"Dean. It's not about Sam. This isn't about him at all so don't use him as an excuse." Jo interjected in a serious tone.

"You don't know-"

"Yes I do." Jo retorted. "I know you Dean. And if you thought this Castiel dude was a bad person, then right off the bat you would have been uncomfortable with him staying with Sam. This is about you, Dean. You."

"Yes. Okay. It's about me!" Dean snapped. "Ever since dad died- hell- even before that I was afraid. I am afraid, okay. Does it make you feel better to hear me say it?!"

"No. It doesn't make me feel better, but you need to say it. You need to hear yourself say it." Jo replied softly.

Dean slumped down, resting his head between his knees. "I dunno. I'm scared, to let anyone in- because I can't lose anyone. I can't do it. When dad died, I realized I never even knew the man. Not the way that I should have. Truth is, my whole life I made myself believe my father was someone he wasn't- I wanted to be a good son. I wanted to be there for my father and the truth is, I don't think I ever was the kind of man he wanted me to be."

"I need to be able to read people. I need to know them so I know what to expect. So I know, what they expect of me and I don't know if I can do that. I don't know if I can let someone in because I can't lose them without knowing who they are. I don't want to feel that pain ever again." Dean pulled his head up, "And Cas- he just gives off that vibe that says one day I'll wake up and he won't be there. One day he'll be someone that I can't reach. Someone that will hurt me, deeper then I can stand."

"Why would you think that?" Jo asked slowly.

"Because- there's this sadness in his eyes- like he's done something wrong. Like he believes that he's done something wrong- almost like he shouldn't even be alive. And that something he can never say out loud. The reason he shouldn't be here is a secret in his head. And the fact that he can't get past that- the fact that I can't get past it- makes me so angry I don't know what to do with myself. Because when I see that pain, it's like I've already lost him as a friend. If he was ever even there to start."

"He's a flight risk." Jo stated.

Dean nodded, "I guess that's one way to put it. Yeah. He's a flight risk."

"Then take that risk." Jo said simply.

"Were you listening to anything I just said?" Dean asked frustrated.

"You're already in deep. If this is such a big deal to you, it's proof you already care. All I was hearing was reasons why you shouldn't care- but clearly you already do. So if your feet are already wet- you might as well swim. Because you'll regret it if you don't." Jo smiled, "Nobody said relationships were easy, nobody said love was easy."

"I don't love the dude-" Dean began.

"Love can be more then romance Dean Winchester, you know that." Jo paused momentarily, "Though I think you're in denial because nothing has ever been this big of a deal- seriously if it's this big of a deal there must be some kind of romantic interest." she added quickly.

Dean rolled his eyes, "Yeah, right."

"Just saying." Jo shrugged.

"I guess anything is possible." Dean said softly, "But I wouldn't bet money on it."

Jo smiled and glanced at her watch, "Oh jeez mom's gonna be pissed. I was supposed to be home half an hour ago to help her set up for dinner. She's having some guests over, ugh. I have to run, but first are you gonna be okay?"

"Yeah. Actually, I feel much better." Dean said rising to his feet. Jo hopped up too.

"Well good I'm glad, you aren't much fun when you're brooding. That's supposed to be Sam's thing."

Dean chuckled, "And it is. Doesn't mean I can't stray in that direction from time to time."

"Alright I'm gonna run then." she said starting off in the direction from which she came.

"Hey Jo!" Dean called, she turned to look for just a moment. "Thanks."

Then she was gone leaving Dean to muse over his newly surfaced feelings. He didn't feel like going home even though it was getting close to the supper hour. Dean just wanted space and time to think and to sort out his feelings. Though sorting his feelings was always easier when Jo was with him. She would prod him in certain ways that made him question what he was thinking.

"_Your faith was strong but you needed proof  
You saw her bathing on the roof  
Her beauty in the moonlight overthrew you  
She tied you to a kitchen chair  
She broke your throne, and she cut your hair  
And from your lips she drew the Hallelujah"_

What was that sound? The oldest Winchester decided to wander farther into the woods. The whole scene was surprisingly calming for him and he decided that that would be best. He had a few hours before the sun went down and that would give him plenty of time to question what he had just told Jo.

"_Baby I have been here before  
I know this room, I've walked this floor  
I used to live alone before I knew you.  
I've seen your flag on the marble arch  
Love is not a victory march  
It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah"_

Dean looked around, his head turning from side to side. Was someone singing? He tried to follow the voice looking for the source- but in woods like these it was easier said then done. Every turn he seemed to take was leading him in the wrong direction.

"_There was a time when you let me know  
What's really going on below  
But now you never show it to me, do you?  
And remember when I moved in you  
The holy dove was moving too  
And every breath we drew was Hallelujah"_

"Hello?" Dean called into the shadows of the woods. He could feel himself getting a bit closer, he could tell the voice was male but otherwise he had no clue.

"_Maybe there's a God above  
But all I've ever learned from love  
Was how to shoot at someone who outdrew you  
It's not a cry you can hear at night  
It's not somebody who has seen the light  
It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah"_

Dean rushed forward, he knew that if he didn't find the voice soon he'd run out of song. Then he would probably never find the source. The teen's walking turned to jogging, then running, then sprinting.

Then as if out of nowhere he came to a clearing, a place that seemed to perfect to be real. The trees had been planted- or had grown- in a special way. It had created a perfect circle surrounded by a thick woods. In the midst of the circle, there was a small sapling that was attempting to grow on its own. The sunlight was pouring in full force to the center of the clearing, it was no wonder something could grow in the center. There was also a thick log, just off center in the circle. It hadn't rotted much yet so it was the perfect place to sit.

Dean's eyes followed along the fallen oak, until he saw a figure. Not just any figure either. It was the source of the lovely music- although Dean wasn't much one for religious themed songs- still it was beautifully sung. There he sat. The sunlight from the day creating a gentle glow that made him seem almost angelic. His blue eyes, even more piercing and soul searching then usual.

"Hello Dean."

* * *

_This chapter._

_This chapter and then next chapter were originally going to be one but I decided to space it out so that I could do a perspective change. That's right, the next chapter will be written focused on Castiel rather then Dean. I think its best that way, you can take the information you learned here from Dean and apply it as you read the next chapter. _

_This chapter was also one of the first ideas that I had when I was planning the whole story. I had written the introduction to the story (chapter 1) and I had also had in mind chapter 8. That's when this chapter (and the next chapter) came into play. _

_For all of you who find Castiel singing weird. I don't blame you, but on the flip side, it works. At least in my mind, I think that he would have a lovely voice and I don't know why. Though I would think (being that I play several musical instruments, sing, and know quite a bit about music) that I would have decent judgement. Still it is a bit of a stretch for the imagination being that we never actually heard him sing in the show. I think this and the dream sequences are the riskiest things that I've done so far. Most of the time it works out for me so I'm giving it a shot. I am going out on that limb. Also keep in mind, Cas thinks he's alone._

_That rant aside, the song Castiel is singing is 'Hallelujah' by Leonard Cohen (though there are a billion covers of it including ones by Imogen Heap, Rufus Wainwright, and Allison Crowe). Youtube it._

_Then there's the title of this chapter, which is also a song. 'Gravity' is a song preformed by Sara Bareilles. (You know the chick who wrote that love song about not writing a love song?) Youtube it._

_Thanks so much for all of the support it really means a lot to me as I write. See you in the next chapter._


	12. Ch 12 Hallelujah

Ch. 12 Hallelujah

"Cas." Dean stammered, his chest tightening from guilt. "I didn't expect to- er- I mean-"

Castiel shifted on the log, laying a hand on his trench coat which was sitting next to him. "My home is only a short walk." Castiel said softly. He hadn't forgotten Dean's aggression and frustration with him.

Dean seemed surprised by Castiel's attitude. He seemed to be avoiding, dodging. Then again, he had every right too. Dean had yelled at him, treated him unfairly. He had every reason to be nervous around the elder Winchester. Mostly, Cas just didn't want to upset him any further. While it made sense that Castiel would be nervous- he couldn't figure out why Dean seemed so off. He was sweating a little more then he should be, his breathing was a bit more audible then normal. Perhaps he was running, Cas wasn't really sure.

A silence hung in the air, neither of the boys wanted to touch on the elephant in the room. Castiel turned his head- looking away from Dean- pretending to observe something in the bushes. Dean slumped against a tree- also looking away from Castiel. The two of them sat still- both wanting to speak but not knowing what to say. Neither having the courage to engage the other- they were only sitting a few feet away but to them it felt like miles.

Nearby a bird perched in a tree- chirping every now and again. Castiel decided to focus his attention on that- anything to get his mind of this awkward moment. Dean hooked his thumbs into his belt loops, he knew that he needed to apologize. He owed Cas that- but with all these feelings coming to light he wasn't sure what to say or how to say it. The words bubbled in the pit of his gut, butterflies. He had butterflies- Dean Winchester hadn't had butterflies since he was ten years old.

"So-" they both said in unison then immediately stopped. Did they really plan on breaking the silence at the same time? The two felt so out of sync- yet they were able to speak simultaneously.

"Go ahead." Castiel said in an awkward tone- it was as if he was trying to maintain his flat tone but he realized that he had said something silly. He didn't want to show his embarrassment, yet his tone of voice seemed to betray him.

The words clumped together, thick in his throat. The butterflies pounded on the side of his stomach- they were threatening to escape and cause the words to come gushing out- their aggressive fluttering was causing the elder Winchester to feel slightly ill. Dean drew in a breath, forcing the words he was holding back, "I'm sorry." was all that he could manage.

Cas glanced his way, soft blue eyes fixing themselves on Dean's feet- he didn't have the courage to look in his eyes. However, Castiel's gaze was too much for Dean to bear, even if it wasn't directed at his eyes. The guilt seemed overwhelming- what's worse was the way Cas was looking reminded him of his dreams. In the sunlight, Castiel's eyes sparkled like crystals or oceans- his innocence obvious. The same as Dean's dreams. If he had to get one detail right every single time why did it have to be the purity of his eyes? Those dreams were something that he didn't need to be thinking about at the moment. The distraction would be too much.

Castiel decided to take the bait with caution, "For what?" The shy teen clutched his trench coat as he waited for a response.

Dean knew he couldn't use the same humor that he used with Jo. He would have to say it like it was- he would have to be a straight shooter- something he was awful at. "For blaming you for what happened to Sam." Dean managed, each word exhausting him emotionally.

Castiel blinked, he was surprised that Dean apologized. What was even stranger was that he seemed absolutely sincere about it. The angel shifted on his log, folding his hands on his lap. "I see." he replied.

Another silence filled the air. This one only slightly less awkward then the previous one. Even though Dean had apologized- the elephant was still present. Once again- with no words to say Castiel found himself looking away. He wasn't sure why, but he just didn't know what to say to Dean.

"I didn't know that you could sing." Dean said softly. "You don't strike me as the type." Castiel shrugged his shoulders with indifference. "I mean it Cas, you're really good."

Cas turned his head slightly, causing the sunbeams to reflect off of him and shine like gold, "My mother got me involved with the church choir when I was very young. I continued for years, I even learned piano but- after some time it stopped being enjoyable."

"Why?" the teen asked baffled that someone as good as Cas would suddenly dislike something he was so good at.

"Well." Cas paused to phrase his sentences carefully. "Singing in public and playing the piano in public stopped being fun when people stopped being proud of me for doing it. There's something about being told that you're doing something right that makes you feel like all the grief you go through is worthwhile. After a certain point, my brother Gabriel was the only one who even cared that I could sing. I stopped enjoying it because no one else seemed to care that I was doing it. So now I just sing to myself and sometimes I play the old piano in our home."

"Were you proud of yourself for singing?" Dean replied, attempting a more gentle tone. His inexperience in the subject showing as each word came out.

_No one's ever asked me that before. Why would there be any relevance to what I think about me singing?_

Castiel shrugged as gentle as possible. He really wasn't sure of to say, no one had ever been so concerned about what he thought. Everything was always about someone else, so to have someone ask what he thought- it was different.

Dean pushed himself off the tree he was leaning on, his thumbs still hooked in his jeans. He paced around the circle, "I mean it. Why would you just shrug about it? Isn't it important?"

Castiel watched as Dean passed him a few times. Most of Dean's nervousness had flooded out of his body and into Castiel's. He wasn't sure why he was so tense, maybe it was because no one had ever asked him how he felt. Sure, Gabriel asked if he was okay but he never really wanted an answer. Gabriel just wanted to know that Cas was still functioning, at least sometimes that's how it felt.

"Importance is... subjective." Castiel managed. It was all that he could come up with at the time.

"Subjective?" Dean asked slowly. Cas nodded, "You think that your feelings aren't important? Yet here I am asking about them. You could at least give me the benefit of trying to give an actual answer. Subjective- or whatever- doesn't cut it."

"Why are you being so insistent on knowing my feelings?" Cas responded. Shrinking in his skin, he didn't like conflict.

"Why are you so insistent on hiding them?" Dean snapped.

_They aren't worth your time. My feelings are irrelevant, they serve no purpose for you. Therefore you don't need to know them, I wish I didn't know them._

Castiel let his head sink, he didn't know what to say. Dean didn't need to know his feelings, they wouldn't serve him any purpose. The same as his past, he'd be better off not knowing. In some ways Cas thought he was doing Dean of favor by keeping his mouth shut.

Another silence found the boys. Castiel started playing with his hands in a nervous fit. Dean watched as Cas chewed his bottom lip. The tension in his shoulders, it was as if he was trying to disappear into the forest floor. Dean let out a soft sigh, he felt better but at the cost of making Castiel distressed. The eldest Winchester stalked over and sat down next to his nervous angel. Dean sat loose, shoulders rolled back head pointed up at the sky- changing from a light blue to a soft pinkish, purple color.

Castiel began scratching his left hand with his nails, "Cas." Dean said softly. Castiel didn't respond, he didn't even notice Dean was talking to him. He just kept scratching his hand in a nervous fit. Dean reached across Castiel's lap- even though he knew he'd regret this later- taking a hold of Castiel's right hand to stop him from scratching. "Cas, why were you in the hospital?" Dean asked slowly.

"I was in- I'm not really sure if it was an accident or if it was-" Dean squeezed Castiel's hand as he panicked, he didn't know why but all of this was bothering him. The way that Dean was treating him- the way that he was being so gentle- no one had ever shown him this kind of kindness besides his brother. He didn't think people were capable of being this kind.

"What I mean," Dean said as patiently as possible, "Is what kind of disorder or illness do you have? I know Sammy has depression and schizophrenia- but what do you have? What caused you to be this damaged?"

_This is getting to close. He's getting to close to me and I don't- he could get hurt. I could get hurt- I could hurt him. I could- we could- I-_

"_Because despite what you think Castiel. Little angelic Castiel, you are ugly and repulsive and you always will be. You will __**never **__be loved because you will __**never **__be __**worth **__loving. You pitiful, gutless, miserable, swine."_

"I have- its-" Cas stammered. His body began to tremble lightly.

"_You will never build a relationship. You will never be able to get close to people because I will always be there. That fallen angel on your shoulder, reminding you that you're nothing special. Nothing high class. __**No one **__will __**ever **__be able to be near you without getting hurt. So don't try. You won't get anywhere."_

"Cas, you're shaking." Dean said softly, Cas looked away he was ready to flee. But Dean had a grip on his hand, he couldn't just get away. So he did the best that he could and turned his shoulders away.

Castiel bent to the voices in his head, "I can't."

"Can't what?" Dean asked confused.

"I just can't." he offered.

Dean squeezed Castiel's shaky hand trying to keep him steady- trying to keep him from flying off the handle all together. "Can't or won't?"

Castiel didn't say, he couldn't say. Still the elder Winchester refused to yield, he refused to give up on someone who was convinced he should be given up on. Dean gave a gentle tug, causing the shy teen to turn back a little. His shoulders moving from facing away completely, to being pointed forward. Cas wasn't open to him but at least this way he would have a hell of a time trying to hide his face.

_I can't- he can't see me- I can't._

"You can talk to me. Even if you think you can't, or if you think I'm a dick- hell I am a dick. But I'm here now and I'm not going to yell at you again. You can talk to me. I'm your friend, Cas. Even if you think I'm not." Dean said trying to coax Castiel into at least a slightly more stable state. "I'm here for you- because whether you like it or not- hell, whether I like it or not- I care about you. And I don't take my family lightly- I don't take my friendships lightly either."

"You shouldn't be my friend." Castiel said softly his head hanging low.

Dean tried to look at Castiel's face but he was doing a good job of blocking it, "Why?"

"I'm not good luck Dean. I seem to make everyone miserable. I break everything I touch." Castiel replied softly.

"Alright. Then look me in the eyes and tell me you don't want me to be my friend." Dean said simply. The elder Winchester even released Castiel's hand, if he wanted to flee he could. Castiel thought about it- he wanted to run, desperately. Yet his legs were frozen, he lifted his head slowly- his poker face had returned.

His eyes lifted slowly, he knew he shouldn't look. He knew if he did he wouldn't feel any better, just guilty that he was putting someone he cared about in jeopardy. Slowly he found Dean's eyes, his stare was harsh. Weathered from hardship, cold to the world. But behind that look of snarky apathy- there was someone there. Someone who knew what it meant to be hurt by others, someone who gave a crap that Castiel was alive.

_Were... friends, and that means something to him. _

Castiel's stare was the same. Two harsh eyes, two apathetic, world-weary, tired eyes. Two sets of eyes that were hiding their pain behind a mask. That mask may have come off as different in the eyes of the world, but really- all masks are the same. People wear masks to hide something about themselves.

For Dean it was his frustration, his sadness, that empty feeling he had every time he got up in the morning. The guilt that he had because he wasn't the man that his father thought he should be. The pain of always giving up and sacrificing himself for others. All that pressure he put on himself to help everyone. The fear of losing, of being lost, and of being hurt by people he never even knew.

For Castiel it was his past, his sadness, that empty feeling that followed him around every second of every day. The guilt from the wrong belief that he was a bad person. The pain of always pushing others away so he didn't spread his bad luck. All the pressure he put on himself to hide those faults and flaws from everyone. The fear of losing, of being lost, and of being hurt by people he never even knew.

It was as if the two boys were looking at the core of one another. The raw, absolute truth. Underneath every piece of cracked armor, underneath all the chinks and cracks, under every mask, every flaw, every single barrier they put up. There was a man, who had felt a great loss. Who had experienced the cruelty of god, at an age far younger then they should have.

Castiel tried to form the the words in his throat. Tried to find his voice, but it was absent. He was captivated and he couldn't bare to tell Dean that he didn't want to be his friend. Cas wanted more then anything to be able to open up. To have someone know who he was. What it was like in his world- and maybe, just maybe Dean was that person.

"I can't tell you I don't want to be your friend, because I do. But, I'm afraid. Please respect that." Castiel said softly, his eyes shifting to the lower left.

"Why?" Dean probed.

"Because I truly believe that I'm bad luck. I truly believe that I'll hurt you. My life is... complicated." Castiel said his flat voice returning.

"Well." Dean started, "Here's something simple." Dean reached his arms forward pulling Castiel into a slightly awkward hug. Dean knew- he didn't know how, he just did- that Cas needed this hug. He needed it from someone who wasn't related to him, someone who didn't have to hug him unless they wanted too.

"Affection isn't simple Dean." Castiel said in his usual tone.

Dean rolled his eyes, "Just shut up and enjoy the friggan hug."

Castiel allowed his face to sink into the crook of Dean's neck. The scent of spice and Axe filled his nose, the elder Winchester really did smell nice. While Castiel usually didn't really understand hugs, he reached up and wrapped his arms around Dean's lower back, in a clumsy manner. Dean put one hand on the base of Castiel's skull.

The hug lasted longer then any hug Cas had ever experienced before. It was also more enjoyable then any hug that Cas had ever had. "That was pleasant." he said softly when Dean let him go.

"Well duh, it's me your hugging." Dean smirked, but if faded quickly. "Look Cas, whatever you're feeling, whatever has you so mixed up, whatever or whoever has made you feel like you shouldn't care about anyone. They're wrong. So whatever pain you're feeling right now, it's not your fault. Okay. I'm sure you're doing the best that you can."

Castiel didn't smile, but his shoulders relaxed. "My family life is complicated I guess."

Dean nodded, "I can relate. But- why don't you tell me about it."

Castiel thought for a moment, he wasn't sure about this. Still though he thought it was worth at least trying, after all Dean had just put up with. "My father was strict with us. He was raised Catholic and he had very strong beliefs about how the world was. How everything should be. He learned his beliefs through his father, who learned it through his father, and so on. Anyway, my father was born to a family of six, three boys and three girls. Zachariah, Diniel, Ariel, Raphael, Emmanuel- my father, and Laylah. The home I live in now was passed down, my dad only got the home because my uncles didn't want it. The way it works is the home goes to the first son, if they don't want it goes to the next son and so on. If none of the sons want the home then it goes to the eldest girl."

"So big family your father had." Dean commented.

Castiel nodded, "Yes. Anyways my father married very young, he married a woman named Sophia. My mother, a very gentle woman. She was also Catholic but she was very gentle in her belief. She had this way about her, that made you feel like everything would be okay. It was almost like, her calm attitude would infect anyone who was nervous. She was also, very beautiful. Vibrant red hair, blue eyes- much like mine, everyone said that she could have been an angel. My father and mother met in college, she was an art major and my father was a business major. Lots of people said that they didn't make sense together- the business world was so white collar, shirt and tie and the art world was so free. They were wrong though, marketing uses art and the business world uses marketing. I suppose it's not the ideal fit but it still works more then people would think. My parents were married here in Lawrence. My father was the first of the children to be married actually, they finished out college together."

"After college my father's father passed away and so as I said earlier, the home ended up in my father's name. The two of them moved in shortly after, though my father would have to leave often to go on business which caused conflict. They didn't have the perfect marriage. But, my father believed that people who got a divorce would be damned for eternity so they attempted to keep it together. My mother believed that they were simply having rough patches it was nothing that the two of them couldn't work out."

"Over time my mother and father decided that they wanted to have children. My mother ended up having five children, Michael, Lucifer, Gabriel, Anna, and myself."

Dean interjected, "Wait Lucifer? Like the devil, like the Lucifer Sam keeps-"

"Different Lucifer. Sam's Lucifer is a delusion and my brother hasn't been around for years." Castiel replied quickly, almost too quickly. "Anyway, my mother died in child birth with her sixth child. They say, that a women's risk of miscarriage and dying in child birth increases greatly over the age of forty. My mother was over forty when she attempted to have her last child, my siblings and I have quite a bit of space between us. My mother hemorrhaged in child birth, the child suffocated and she died of blood loss."

Dean extended an arm, "Cas I'm sorry."

"I was only six. I don't remember her very much, though I do know that I loved her. She was such a kind women, such a gentle person. My mother was actually the one who gave me this." Castiel said holding up his trench coat. "Well, she didn't give it to me exactly. Still I started wearing it after she died as a tribute to her I guess. No one objected to my wearing it. It's become a part of me. Part of my identity even."

"I guess so, I mean I can't really imagine you without the thing." Dean replied.

"My father stuck around for a few months after that, but... he wasn't the same man. Then one day, he went on a business trip and just never came back."

"I bet you miss him a lot." Dean replied softly.

Castiel shook his head, "Not really."

"What? Why not?" Dean asked.

"My father was... very stern in his punishments. He had this belt-" Castiel started.

"That he would use on you?" Dean asked looking surprised.

Castiel nodded, "Though it wasn't usually me. Mostly Lucifer and Michael. Gabriel got it occasionally, Anna only once and me, just a few times. He would also lock us in the basement, sometimes for days at a time. Usually Anna and I would get locked down in the basement instead of getting the belt, I guess it's because we were younger."

"That's sick." Dean replied.

"I suppose, to me its what I would consider normal."

"Anyway my point is... my past has a lot of twists and turns. Its complicated and there are a lot of levels. So... you say that you want to know who I am. You say I can tell you, but I really can't. There's too much pain, too much guilt."

"Look Cas, there's a line there. I get it. You don't want to go back into those doors. But, the truth is, I don't know jack squat about you. I consider you a friend, but to be a friend you have to disclose something. I mean it's a two way street here, I have to know just a little bit." Dean replied with his usual malice, "We can take it day by day. I just needed somewhere to start."

Castiel paused, thoughtful, "You know most people would just ask my favorite color for some kind of ground to stand on."

Dean smiled, "Fine, you son of a bitch, what's your favorite color?"

"Orange." Castiel responded completely serious.

The elder Winchester turned away, hiding his face from Castiel. Dean started laughing, harder then he had laughed in a long time. He clutched his sides, "I don't get it what's so funny?" Cas replied confused.

"Just the way you said it." Dean said between gasps for air. "I mean you were completely serious about it, like the question was life or death. Man you are one weird guy Cas."

Castiel paused, feeling a smile tug at the corner of his lips. He decided to take the risk and allow himself to smile just a little. "I guess."

Once Dean had calmed down he turned back to Castiel, glowing in the summer sun. The eldest Winchester had forgotten how radiant he was in this light, how precious he looked. Then with a smiled like that, it was gentle. It made sense now, he was afraid to smile, he had obviously felt a great loss and that was hard. Cas was afraid to smile, because he didn't want that happiness to be taken away so it was better not feel it at all. That's why every time that Castiel smiled Dean needed to appreciate it. He couldn't be sure when he would see that smile again.

"You're smiling." Dean observed.

Castiel looked up at Dean, finding his eyes, "Am I not allowed to smile?"

"Deja vu."

"What?" Castiel asked.

"I just have a strong suspicion that I've seen this somewhere before." Dean said shrugging.

"Oh." Castiel said, gazing at Dean with a expectant look. "What... happens next?"

Dean laughed a little, "You push me into a lake." Castiel broke his stare, turning just a little pink. "Then we go swimming through this underwater paradise. There are these hot mermaids everywhere and fish, lots of fish. Then we make out like raging homos."

Castiel blinked furiously, "You- er- you dream about kissing me?"

The teen shrugged, "I guess. Hell if I know why, just cool like that I guess. And I just made things really awkward didn't I?"

Castiel looked away, "I've just never had anyone even picture kissing me, its weird."

"So you've never had your first kiss? Come on everyone and their mom has had their first kiss." Dean said leaning closer, Castiel leaning farther away. He was uncomfortable with Dean getting so close with them talking about kissing. It was strange. "Seriously? You've never been kissed? You've never kissed someone else?"

"I've never had occasion."

Dean shook his head for a moment, grabbing a hold of his jaw. "Okay."

"You're okay with that?" Castiel asked turning back to his friend.

"It's your first kiss, you can share it with whoever you want to. I mean, you'll always remember it so you might as well choose wisely. Seriously, take it from someone who knows, no matter how hard you try you won't forget it. You should probably make it count." Dean spoke from experience, he had wasted his first kiss on a girl who wasn't even that attractive. He never forgot the kiss itself, but he never even knew the girl's name. "I didn't make my first kiss worth while. She was this chick at a birthday party. We were playing seven minutes in heaven, she was cute I mean not great but at least cute. We went in the closet and we kissed, after that she got really nervous and stopped. Apparently she hadn't had her first kiss but assumed that I did. Man hell of a misunderstanding. She was pissed when she found out that I hadn't kissed anybody either. She wanted to be able to brag to her friends I guess, probably grew up to be a slut."

"How nice of you." Castiel replied, "Do you make such harsh judgements about everyone you kiss?"

Dean shrugged, "Depends on the reason that they kiss me, how they kiss. You know you can tell a lot from a person based on how they kiss. It's like the act of kissing itself is something that connects people, sharing that moment in time. I dunno, I guess that you can really tell some one's motivation when you kiss them. Like what's at their core."

"Then what's at my core?" Castiel asked.

"What. I've never kissed you how would I know?" Dean said, creating a distance between the two of them.

"You said you kissed me in your dream." Castiel elaborated, "So what was 'at my core'?"

"Well... you were hesitant, like you weren't really sure if what you were doing was the right thing. You weren't the greatest kisser in the world, but you were trying your damnedest to please me. Like you really wanted the kiss to be good, you really wanted to impress me. Almost as if you were afraid that if you didn't impress me you'd lose me and you didn't want that. The kiss was shy, the way that your face heated up reminded me- you know this sounds really girly. Can we stop having a chick flick moment."

"I just wanted to know." Castiel said awkwardly.

Dean shrugged, "If you really want to know what it feels like go kiss someone and find out. Not that I encourage kissing random strangers. Whatever, I mean I guess I could find you a girl if you wanted."

"No thank you, I'm fine."

"You sure are a curious kitten." Dean said, his voice dripping with sarcasm. Castiel shrugged, gazing at Dean with his poker face. Dean raised an eyebrow, "You got something to say Cas?"

"No. Nothing." Castiel replied, looking away.

_I'm being ridiculous..._

An awkward silence hung in the air. Dean wasn't sure of Castiel's intentions, which was okay since Castiel wasn't sure of his intentions either. He could feel himself expecting something but yet he didn't want to ask. The two of them had just fixed their problems, Cas didn't want to throw them back in the gutter. The elephant in the room had returned. Dean looked one direction and Castiel looked the other, courage suddenly disappearing from both parties. How many awkward silences were they going to have today?

"You know if you want me to- to uh... well- you know." the older Winchester swallowed then forced the words out, "If you want me to kiss you just friggan' ask. I'm getting really tired of the awkward silences."

Chills shot through Castiel's spine, he turned his head looking at Dean with that same expectant look that he had in everyone of Dean's dreams. Dean turned to his companion, watching Castiel's blue eyes. Dean couldn't help but wonder how long he could go without blinking. Dean smiled, chuckling a little to himself. "When you figure it out let me know." The eldest Winchester rose to his feet. "Come on, I'll walk you home."

Castiel looked up and nodded rising to his feet. He couldn't find the words to say, so he just started walking. Dean strolled to meet his pace, he was relaxed, calm, almost peaceful. Cas was surprised that his mind was so at ease when earlier he seemed so frazzled. Now it was Castiel who was the flabbergasted one. They began pushing their way through the forest, the sun had almost reached the horizons. Everything was coated in shades of orange and pinks, Castiel liked that about dusk.

In fact, it was probably one of his favorite times of the day. Though it didn't make things any less awkward, it did seem to make things a little better. Castiel was doing his best to stay positive. The two walked shoulder to shoulder, Dean didn't seem to even notice- or he just simply didn't care. The elder Winchester also didn't seem to have anything to say, but the silence also didn't seem to be bothering him. He walked as if nothing was happening, nothing was bothering. It was strange that Dean was mellow- but Castiel was glad to see that he was feeling better. It was quite the change from when they first ran into each other in the forest. Cas glanced up at Dean, even though the two were almost the same height- for some reason Cas felt that he was looking up. It wasn't a feeling that he always had, most of the time he felt like they were at equal levels. In this moment though, Castiel thought that Dean was just a little bit taller.

Dean glanced over and saw Castiel observing. He gave him a small smile and rolled his eyes a little, reaching over grabbing a hold of the floundering angel's hand without saying a word. Cas tensed immediately, a nervous, confused excitement shooting through him whole body. He was so surprised that he actually stopped walking briefly, Dean stopped a few steps in front of him. He turned back to his companion and gave a small nod with his head, as if to say 'come on'. Cas pushed off with his left foot, the first few steps were difficult but after that everything seemed to ease up.

No one said anything and that was okay. Both boys had exposed a lot of feelings today and they were tired of talking. So instead they decided to just let action and silence fill the empty space that conversation would have taken up.

_Have you ever been so quiet that you can hear everything? The birds chirping, wind blowing in the trees, animals going about their routines. It's nice to be able to appreciate silence, most people spend so much time in conversation they forget how to be comfortable without it. It's a shame really because when you take the time to hear nothing but the natural sounds of the world, you're taking the time to see how everything was before humans were here. When animal ruled the earth, when purity rained across the land. Animals, are not aggressive by nature, they aren't shallow, or petty. They simply do what they need to survive and in a way, that makes them better then humans._

_An animal won't stab you in the back. It won't ever lie to your face because it can't lie. When we take the time to appreciate the silence its almost as if were taking a page out of the animal's book. As if we are willing to let ourselves be innocent creatures, where we won't hurt anyone.  
_

_And that feels good. To know that were capable of good, not only evil.  
_

* * *

_So writing this chapter.  
_

_Have you ever been writing and all of a sudden you realize that you aren't actually speaking anymore? You are literally so caught up in your story that the characters seem to be writing themselves. Like even if you just stopped writing the story would still be happening. That was this chapter, I think Dean and Cas as characters in my head took on their own voices and as I was writing I truly felt like they were talking to each other and I was just watching their interactions unfold.  
_

_And I don't have any idea if that makes sense or if anyone has any idea what I'm talking about. Lemme just say, it's a good feeling.  
_

_I was hesitant on how to end this chapter, I wasn't sure about the hand hold. I really wasn't, but when I read it back I think it's okay. I really do, it wasn't gushing flowers or rainbows. It was just a simple gesture that needed no explanation.  
_

_This chapter = __sexualtension_, _sexualtension_, _sexualtension_, _sexualtension_, _sexualtension, __sexualtension, Castielbackstoryinformation, __sexualtension, moreCastielbackstory, __sexualtension, __sexualtension, __sexualtension_, _sexualtension_, _sexualtension, awhowadorablemoment, Castielinternalmonolouge_.  


_____Still I was really looking forward to writing this chapter so I really hope that you guys like it.  
_

_____I really like it because you can read so many double meanings and so much subtext it's not even funny. Well its a little funny. This entire chapter I think you could read it like four times and still not catch all of the hidden meanings. JUST AS PLANNED.  
_

_____Lastly, thanks for the reviews and all the traffic I've been getting! It means so much.  
_

_____See you next chapter!  
_

_____EDIT: Also ten points to anyone who can guess what Castiel's diagnosis is.  
_


	13. Ch 13 The Devil's Got Your Number

Ch. 13 The Devil's Got Your Number

"Excuse me." a soft voice rang at the front of the nurse's station. It was the voice of the one and only Mary Winchester. Nurse Masters swiveled in her chair putting on a fake smile and putting down the magazine that she was enjoying. She reached up opening the window so she could talk to the mother.

"Hello, how can I help you today?" Meg asked as sweetly as possible- but she hated this cutesy routine and she didn't know how long Mary would believe it. In fact, she didn't know how long any of the Winchesters would believe her, but Crowley would have her head if she didn't do as she was told. She had already disobeyed Crowley once by letting them let Castiel go where they couldn't watch him- in her defense they had screwed up by not arranging for Ruby to be his doctor as well. It wasn't her fault that someone who had a medical degree thought that Lucifer's little brother was ready to go home.

Mary stepped closer to the window, her smile broadening. "Well, it's about my son, Sam Winchester. He's been here for two months and I talked to his doctor the other day about his discharge. I was just wondering if any further information had come through about when. School starts in a week and school is really important to Sam..."

Meg nodded, internally groaning. "Let me go get the doctor so you can talk to her."

"Thank you so much!" Mary called as Meg stood up. She pushed open the door to the nurses station, trudging down the hallway as she made her way to Ruby's office.

They weren't supposed to discharge Sam until they received orders to discharge him. Lucifer, Crowley, Azazel, and Alastair were making preparations to get a hold of the youngest Winchester. If things didn't go smoothly Meg knew who they would blame, her and Ruby. One thing Meg couldn't stand was knowing her ass was endanger. She hadn't even wanted to take this job, but Crowley said it was take this job or go back into the field.

Meg didn't like being on the field, it was more likely to get you killed then being eyes and ears. Everyone started out in field work once they debuted themselves to Crowley. After a certain point of field work they were asked if they had any interest in undercover missions. The undercover missions consisted of two different jobs; one, watch a specific target or two, collect information. Either way you were stationed somewhere to sit and listen to just about everything.

It wasn't fun but it was better being in the field. When you were in the field you were running down people who owed a debt to Crowley. Or you were doing whatever the leader above you told you to do. Being a soldier sucked, you were at the bottom of the totem pole. On a positive note, if you were a soldier you couldn't be killed until Lucifer gave the order- being that he was the boss. The bad side was that Lucifer was easily convinced by those in the upper ranks- since it was pretty easy for him to find replacements for his foot soldiers.

She pushed open the door to Ruby's office, she didn't bother to knock. "Hey. Ruby, the mother Winchester is here to see you."

Ruby rolled her eyes, "Great."

"What's the problem?" Meg asked. She wasn't concerned- in fact she didn't even like Ruby- but she felt that she should ask. It was common courtesy, plus whatever happened to Sam would effect what happened to her. She figured that she had the right to know what was gonna happen to her bacon.

"Few weeks ago when she was here she threatened to discharge Sam- she didn't think we were doing the proper job. She told me if she wasn't seeing some results then she would ask for the slip." Ruby sighed, "Can't lose him, I don't want Lilith to have my head. Or worse, to have Lilith turn me over to Crowley."

"Can she even do that?" Meg questioned.

Ruby nodded, "She can discharge Sam, he's underage. Since he's a minor she can check him out against hospital advice. Which is bad, we can only try and convince her that she shouldn't. Which won't go well- if she's anything like her husband then once she's made up her mind she's made up her mind. Even if we prescribe drugs and give him a bottle to take, we can't guarantee that he'll take them. Plus if he asks the local pharmacy any questions they'll call the hospital and ask why he's taking drugs that will make him hallucinate. So prescribing is a bad idea but it might be all we can do."

"Were screwed aren't we?"

"Yup." Ruby replied, "Alright, let's go get yelled at by the Mrs."

The two walked down the hallway and back to the nurses station. Meg plopped back down in her swivel chair and pretended to be reading over some files. Ruby smiled pulling the glass back from the window. "Mrs. Winchester right?" Ruby asked.

"Oh please, call me Mary." she replied with a smile, "I'm here about Sam."

Ruby swallowed a lump in her throat, "He really isn't doing much better, Mrs. Winchester. What he needs is more time to adjust."

"I'm sorry, I respect you as a doctor. I respect that you know what your doing and that you are doing everything you can to help Sam to get better. Still, school is coming up and Sam is going to need to be out for that. Sam hasn't been home since the funeral, he needs time to readjust. So I think it would be best if he came home. So he can get ready for everything."

"I understand how difficult this might be for you Mrs. Winchester, and were doing everything that we can to help your son. The fact of the matter is he just isn't ready to be around other people yet. You need to think about what's best for him." Ruby reasoned.

"They said he would be in here two weeks, at the most. It's been more then two months. Please you have to understand that something about this feels wrong to me." Mary said with finality.

Ruby sighed, "Are you sure about this Mrs. Winchester?"

"Yes." Mary finished, "Please give me the paperwork and alert my son that were leaving _today_."

Meg watched as Ruby reluctantly handed Mary the clipboard. She swiveled in her chair and stood up heading out to go talk to the youngest Winchester. She sighed, they were screwed- they were both royally screwed. If Lilith didn't get them then Crowley would- honestly she was hoping that it would Lilith. She wasn't as brutal in her punishments and she knew that if Crowley would punish her then Lucifer would find out about it. She sighed, pushing open Sam's door.

The preteen was sitting on what used to be Castiel's bed, he was staring out the window. It was a damn shame that Sam had to leave, Meg hated to admit it but she had grown a little fond of him. Just like she had grown a little fond of Castiel, though she supposed it didn't really matter. Meg knew that she would probably see or hear about them soon.

She knew that Lucifer had plans for Sam. She guessed he might also have some plans for Castiel, though she couldn't be sure. It was just speculation.

"Sam." Meg said, leaning on the door frame. "Your mom's here."

Sam turned and smiled, "Really?"

"Yup, you're getting out today." Meg said, she couldn't help but smile a little at the light in Sam's eyes.

"Really?!" Sam asked hopping to his feet.

Meg laughed, handing Sam a plastic bag that he could put his things in, "Yes."

Sam began shoving his clothes into the bag eagerly. He stepped around the room grabbing all of the books that he had kept. "Thank you so much Meg!"

"Come on' I'll walk you out." Meg said, Sam following close behind. She opened the locked doors so Sam could get out. He smiled, seeing his mom outside of the ward he had been locked in for weeks was overwhelming. He rushed to her giving her a small hug. Meg chuckled just a little. At least the kid was happy, knowing what Lucifer had in store for him this might be one of the last times that he's happy for a long time.

Meg returned to the nurses station, sitting in her swivel chair. She watched as Mary filled out the discharge papers. Ruby was apprehensive about the whole situation- but she had to do what the legal guardian wanted. Ruby began scribbling down a prescription and handed it to Mary.

"Here are some pills for the first thirty days." Ruby said handing Mary a bottle, "After that you'll have to renew the prescription."

Mary nodded, "Okay."

Ruby smiled, handing Mary a card, "Alright, if you have any questions here's a number you can call. He should take one pill every night before he goes to bed. We know that he isn't having any side effects so he should be fine. If anything strange happens though, be sure to call the number on the card. Now I just need you to sign here, here, and here."

Mary followed the instructions. "Is that all?"

"Yes that is all." Ruby said taking the paperwork back, "Now Sam, you be careful. You be good to your family okay? We like you, but we don't want to be seeing you back in the hospital anytime soon okay?"

Sam nodded, "Thank you, for everything. Really Ruby. I really appreciate it."

"Thank you for all you've done." Mary said putting her hand on Sam's back and leading him away. "Have a good day."

Ruby frowned once they were gone. "Alright now what?"

Meg shrugged, "We call the boss and get our asses kicked."

"Rock, paper, scissors, to see who has to call?"

"No, I'll do it." Meg said picking up the phone. The phone started to ring, Meg secretly wished that no one would answer. Of course as soon as she had that thought the phone clicked and she heard a voice over the line.

"Hello?"

"Lilith. It's Meg."

"How's the watch on the youngest Winchester going?"

"Bad. They just checked out."

"What. Why would you idiots let them?"

"Because, Mary Winchester is the legal guardian and even if we were a doctor and a nurse we couldn't stop her from checking her underage son out of the hospital. Legally it's her choice. If we had pushed anymore we would have looked suspicious." Meg reasoned.

"Morons." Lilith remarked, then a silence held on the phone.

"What? Lilith? Hello?" Meg asked.

"Child." a calm, controlled voice said over the phone.

"Yes- yes sir." Meg stuttered.

"Both you and Ruby need to return to the base. We'll get you out on another mission."

Meg hesitated, "What are you going to do?"

"I'll take care of it."

"Yes... Lucifer."

* * *

_Really short chapter. I know. I apologize. I'm probably gonna regret this chapter later on, or hate the writing but this chapter was pretty straight forward. All things considered it's not that surprising, I haven't written a short chapter in a long time. So yeah... _

_The good news is...  
_

_IT'S THE OH SHIT MOMENT.  
_

_Yay.  
_

_Any who, I hope you guys review (If you don't have anything to say on this chapter then you can say it about the whole story.)  
_

_Thanks, see you guys in the next chapter!  
_


	14. Ch 14 Come On Angel, Don't You Cry

Ch. 14 Come On Angel, Don't You Cry

It was a rainy August morning- the recent drought that had left the town's foliage brown and disheveled was finally over. The rain was tapping lightly on the roof of the German villa, it was a comforting sound. It wasn't loud- but it was noticeable and Castiel was fine with that. He loved the rain, it was soothing.

One time, when he was little- him, Gabriel, and Lucifer went outside and played in the rain. Cas was only four years old, it was one of the only fond memories he had of Lucifer. The three of them splashed around in puddles for a four hours, when they came inside they were soaked and muddy. Cas chuckled at the mental image of him and his brothers standing soaked, muddy, and disheveled- dripping wet on the floor and shivering, frozen to the bone. Castiel caught a nasty case of the flu because of it but that was alright with him. It was one of his best memories from childhood.

Speaking of Gabriel- he was out at the moment, he had gone with his girlfriend Kali. Cas had only met her twice, but from what he could tell she was a good fit for his brother. Gabe was the joking type he could be, lazy, unmotivated, and insensitive. Gabe wasn't that way with Cas but all things considered that was probably because of circumstance. With Lucifer prowling around in his childhood, Gabe couldn't afford to be that way. Kali was authoritative, forceful, responsible and when she needed to, she could kick Gabe back in line. Every time that Cas did meet her she was pretty nice to him, he appreciated that. He guessed that she was kind because Gabe had told her a few things, but if she did know she never said anything about it. They were going to see a concert later tonight and they decided to spend the day together, so Gabe had left early.

Castiel had just woken up- it was around eleven in the morning. It was the first time in a long time that he had slept in- probably because it was the first time in a long time that he hadn't had a nightmare. Or at least, if he had a nightmare he couldn't remember it. He watched outside the window as the rain tapped lightly at the window.

Time seemed to pass slower when it was raining like this. Cas felt like he could lay in bed forever if he wanted too. He was content to spend minutes- which seemed like hours- to exist inside his own head.

Cas stretched his arms, throwing on some jeans and a black T-shirt. He headed downstairs, Balthazar was sitting in the living room watching TV, reading the paper, and eating some toast with peanut butter, all at the same time.

_How does he manage to multitask so well? _

Cas walked over to the fridge after grabbing a bowel and a spoon, pulling out the milk and grabbing some cereal. He plopped himself down at the kitchen counter/bar, he began eating.

"Good morning Cassie." Balthazar said washing his plate off in the sink, then putting it in the dishwasher. "How'd you sleep?"

"Well." Castiel replied between bites. "How do you manage to read, watch TV, and eat all at the same time?"

"I can split my focus to do many different things at once. What's so wrong with that?" Balthazar replied.

"There's nothing 'wrong' with it. I apologize if implied that there was. I just don't understand how you manage to three things at once and absorb information from two of them." Cas shrugged.

"That's just my astounding cleverness." Balthazar boasted while pulling up a stool, Cas rolled his eyes a small smile on his face, "Really, are you doing alright Castiel? Gabriel told me about, well, everything really."

"I'm doing alright. Really." Castiel said slowly. His comrade leaned forward over the counter, grabbing a hold of a bottle cap and making it spin.

"If you say so." he sighed in disbelief.

Cas glanced over at his friend after finishing his cereal. "I don't know why you're so inclined to not believe me. Have I ever lied to you before?" Castiel said as he put his plate in the dishwasher, then walked over to the fridge to get some juice to take his meds with.

"I suppose you haven't. Wish I could say the same." Balthazar said in his frank manner of speaking.

Castiel shrugged, "Well, seeing as how I'm not able to stay angry with you-"

"Lucky me." he quipped in response. "And that's why I love you Cas, always so forgiving." Balthazar returned to the couch, going back to the newspaper and TV.

Castiel sighed, Balthazar had always been a pain in the neck but still he loved him dearly. Ever since they were kids, Castiel was always bailing his cousin out of trouble. Every time that his aunt and uncle came to visit Cas knew that he was in for some crazy adventure. Balthazar seemed to have a problem with authority, he didn't like to get bossed around. Strangely, Balthazar was one of the only people that Castiel knew that would stand up to Lucifer. For that, Cas really admired him- plus by nature Castiel was a forgiving friend. He had a tendency to be walked on by others, which pissed Balthazar right off. In the early years Cas believed that Blathazar was both a good friend and a guardian angel.

Raphael and Emmanuel (their fathers) were close as brothers and so they decided that they wanted to stay close geographically. So Balthazar and his family used to live a few towns over, so they would spend holidays together. There were also times where Raphael and his wife Alexandria wanted to go out so they would bring their kids over to Castiel's parents and vice versa. Balthazar was the youngest of three, there was Uriel, Hester, and then Balthazar.

Castiel and Balthazar pretty much grew up together, they were two peas in a pod- even though Cas was a few years younger. Although, the two of them were as different as day and night, the two got along really well. Balthazar was the hot headed, snarky, adventurous, protective, and outgoing friend. Then Castiel was the shy, compassionate, gentle, insightful, and creative friend. Balthazar would get them into trouble, then Castiel would get them out. Though Cas never had a problem with that, he could never seem to stay mad at him.

For the first few years of his life- it was like they were a family with eight kids instead of five. That all changed when Sophia died, suddenly Balthazar's family stopped coming around. Which created a rift between him and his best friend. Apparently Raphael and Alexandria didn't deal with grief well and that was the reason Cas stopped seeing their family regularly. Though Cas wasn't sure that was the real reason.

Then when Cas was thirteen, Raphael moved family suddenly, without any warning. No one in his family ever found out why (at least no that he knew of), Balthazar knew but Cas could never get him to spill. They moved over sea's to England and Cas only heard from him through phone calls. Over time they drifted apart completely.

But his old friend was here now and that's what mattered. Castiel was happy to be reunited with one of the people he trusted the most. He was happy that things between them hadn't changed at all. His old friend was still the same snarky, clever, pain in the ass, with a general hate for authority.

"Balthazar..." Castiel said barely above the sound of the TV.

He turned and smiled, "Hm, what is it Castiel?"

"Nothing. I'll be out in the sitting room." Cas said with a small smile.

"Off to play the piano? I thought you didn't do that anymore." Balthazar remarked.

"Not in public but, in private. Sometimes." Castiel said softly.

"May I? It's been ages since I've heard you play." Balthazar asked.

Cas gave a small smile, "Of course."

The two headed into the sitting room. This room was by far, Castiel's favorite room in the whole house. The room was in the back of the house. Castiel liked it for two reasons; one, the piano was there- sometimes they called it the music room and two, the wall that faced out into the backyard wasn't actually a wall at all. It was one huge window, with a door in the middle of it that could let you outside. Cas loved to just sit in the room and watch the day go by. Or he would just sit at the piano and play all day.

The room itself was a nice size twenty four feet by twenty two feet, with two steps that connected it to the rest of the house. The room had beautiful, dark, black cherry wooden floor, with matching furnishings. The walls were white and the ceiling was the same black cherry wood, with beams across the ceiling. There were a lot of old Victorian chairs- the wood matched the floor- with white upholstery. There were four standing up chairs, one couch, a coffee table, one foot stool, and one huge stand up wardrobe that had a TV inside. There was a huge circular white rug in the midst of the room and the doors were large French double doors. Lastly there was the piano, it was white old parlor grand piano.

Castiel sat down on the piano bench, while his comrade took a seat on the couch. He lifted the lid over top of the keys and smiled as he was greeted with a familiar musk. There was something about the smell of old musical instruments that made him happy. Maybe it was just one of those childhood nostalgia things, Cas wasn't really sure. His smile grew when he touched the middle F key, a soft noise resonating into the silence.

The teen cracked his knuckles, stretching out his fingers and wrists. He looked up, catching Balthazar's gaze momentarily. Then Cas closed his eyes letting his hands rest on the keys in a familiar position. He drew in a deep breath, then he opened his eyes and watched as his fingers flew across the keys. Letting out a beautiful but haunting melody. He missed this, he had missed playing and he was glad the the elder Winchester had encouraged him to play if he thought it was important.

Castiel felt himself get enveloped in a sense of warmth, a sense of calm that he hadn't felt in ages. A fondness grew as he touched each ivory key- creating melodies all from his head. It was as if the rest of the world had faded away. Balthazar watched his friend, seeing his very soul pour itself into lyrical beauty.

He heard a small knock in the distance and Balthazar rose to go get it. Leaving his friend to be lost in paradise. He approached the door with hesitation, as far as he knew no one was coming and so he wasn't sure who it could be. Dread built in his gut as he reached for the knob, he knew who it was. It had to be him.

He turned the knob slowly, opening the door.

But he didn't see anyone there, just a package sitting in front of the door. Balthazar breathed a sigh of relief and picked up the package turning to place it inside.

"Interesting. I didn't expect to find you here Balthazar." a voice rang.

Balthazar tensed, turning slowly to face... "Lucifer. Fancy seeing you here."

"In my own home?" Lucifer said stepping into the foyer. "Yes its the shock of the century."

"Come now, we both know you haven't lived here in years." Balthazar rebutted.

"And you haven't been around in years. Not since you went to juvenile hall for stealing from, who was it again?" Lucifer said, holding his chin and pretending to think, "Oh right, your parents, then your school, then a drug store, then an attempt at stealing from a bank after hours. Not very smart."

"Oh shut your trap. Like what you do for a living now is so much better then my raging adolescent years." he replied rolling his eyes and stepping in front of Lucifer, "As much as I'm enjoying this lovely banter, I know you're not here for me. I won't let you touch Castiel."

"Funny, I don't think you have much of a say." Lucifer smiled, "By the way has he started playing again? It sounds wonderful."

"I don't have much of a say?" Balthazar asked stepping forward. However, he heard a soft click glancing to the side. A woman in a black dress stood with a gun to his head, she had a lovely figure. Her hair was a caramel brown, it had an elegant wave to it. Her eyes a greenish hazel. "And who might you be, lovely lady?"

"Oh let's skip the pleasantries, shall we?" she replied a soft English accent.

"Such a shame." Balthazar shrugged.

"Bela, take him downstairs, lock him in with this." Lucifer said tossing her a key. She caught it without missing a beat, not moving her gun even an inch.

"Follow me." she said walking Balthazar to the basement door and stepping inside, locking the door behind her. Leaving Lucifer to spend some quality time with his unaware little brother.

Castiel was still playing the piano, unknowing of his unwanted house guest. Lucifer stalked into the room, sitting down on one of the larger chairs and putting his feet up on the foot stool. Castiel still didn't notice since he wasn't even present at the moment- he was in another world. His head was down in his keys as he played, he must have played for at least fifteen more minutes before he stopped. Giving his fingers a chance to rest. A gentle clapping broke Castiel out of his trance. He looked up, assuming he would see Balthazar. Instead his gaze was met by his brother Lucifer.

"That was beautiful. Heartbreaking and yet there was a twinge of hope towards the end." Lucifer said continuing his clapping, "Hello brother."

_He can't be here- how is he- this isn't- I._

Castiel rose to his feet, panic flooding every sense. He knocked the piano bench over and sprinted for the double doors, behind him he could hear Lucifer groaning. "Come on Castiel don't be like that. Don't make this harder then it needs to be."

Cas ran for the stairs, tripping on the bottom one and then crawling up until he could get himself back on his feet. He could hear Lucifer behind him.

"Jack be nimble! Jack be quick!" he called in a sing song voice.

He needed to get away, all he could think was that he needed to flee. His breath hitched as he flew farther up the stairs.

When he got to the top of the stairs he didn't know where to run, but he couldn't stop. Cas knew if he stopped he was a dead man. He could hear Lucifer trailing behind, he rushed into Gabriel's room shutting the door and fiddling with the lock.

_I have to get this locked, now. Right now._

"Really, you're gonna lock me out?"

The whole process of locking the door would have taken less time if his hands weren't shaking. He reached over grabbing Gabriel's dresser and pushing it in front of the door. In any normal circumstance it would have been hard but with the adrenaline pumping it could be done with ease.

Castiel took a few steps back and then reached for the phone that he knew was in Gabe's room. He would have climbed out the window but the rain had changed from a light rain to a raging storm. Plus it was the second floor and he had nowhere to go. He grabbed the phone and began trying to dial. Nine, Seven, Three-

"Rain, rain go away."

A loud thump interrupted him and dropped the phone. Castiel backed up into the wall, his whole body shaking.

"Come again, another day."

Another loud thump hit his door. Castiel backed himself against a wall and held his head.

"He went to-"

Thump.

"Bed."

Castiel clutched his ears, feeling his pulse race. Ba dump.

"With a-"

Ba dump. Slam. Thump.

"Bump-"

Thud.

"On his-"

Tears crept into the corners of Castiel's eyes. "Stop it."

"Head."

Ba dump. Thud.

"And couldn't-"

"Please."

Thump. "Stop it."

"Get up-"

Thud. Ba dump. Ba dump.

"In the-"

Ba dump. "Stop..."

"Morning." Lucifer had knocked the door open. Now all he had to do was move the dresser.

Castiel threw open the closet door. Grabbing the telephone trying to dial a number.

Nine- Thump

Nine- Thump

Nine- Seven- Thud

Castiel heard the sound of the dresser falling over, slamming into the ground.

"Lucy I'm home!" he shouted.

Castiel held onto his knee's, clutching them so hard they were bleeding. He paced around the room for a few moments. Lucifer just loved to play with his food. "I'm gonna give you one last chance to come out and I'll make this easier for you." he promised.

_Why- why is this happening again?_

Cas tried to shrink into the floor. A soft sob hiccuped in his throat. Lucifer kicked the closet door, making Castiel jump. "I'm telling you! Come out. Don't make this harder then it needs to be!"

_It was supposed to be over when Lucifer moved._

Lucifer sighed, "Have it your way."

_So why-_

The whole thing seemed to play out in slow motion, Lucifer grabbing a hold of the door handle. Then Castiel trying to shrink into the wall, trying to hide in the coats. Lucifer drawing back the closet door and Castiel clutching his knees harder. Tears falling freely.

Lucifer clutching Castiel's arm, dragging him out of the closet. "This wasn't the type of homecoming I pictured," he tossed Castiel into the middle of Gabriel's floor, "baby brother."

Cas rolled onto his stomach and tried to crawl towards the door. Lucifer let out a frustrated sigh, stepping forward and slamming his foot down on Castiel's back. "Augh-!" Castiel let out a pained scream.

"You know Castiel, you never make this easy." Lucifer said pushing down on his back. "I'm gonna make this quick and if you just answer me, I'll make this a lot easier on you." Castiel reached, trying desperately to climb away from his captor. He had him pinned, like a fly caught in a spider's web.

_There's a lamp- if I could just reach-_

"You know you used to enjoy the time we spent together. Once upon a time." Lucifer reminisced. "Granted you were four and you probably don't remember, but you used to idolize me Castiel. It's such a shame that time turned you into this person. This pathetic, _weak, __**spineless coward.**_" Castiel stretched trying not to listen to Lucifer's words.

_Just a little more._

"But I digress, as much as I enjoy inflicting misery on your already damaged psyche, I have a point to get too. So I guess I'll have to make this short and sweet." Lucifer mused. "Now then-" Castiel grabbed a hold of the lamp, using almost all his energy in one burst. Lucifer tipped, losing his balance a little. Castiel rolled onto his side, turning and hitting Lucifer in the back of the leg with the lamp- causing the light bulb to shatter into pieces. Castiel stumbled to his feet, jumping over the collapsed dresser and sprinting for another room.

"SON OF A-!" Lucifer yelped.

Castiel sprinted down the hall, ducking into one of the spare rooms. He shut the door and locked it, there was no phone so he couldn't call for help. He looked around the room, this used to be Michael's room. Cas rushed to the dresser, rooting through the bottom drawer.

_Come on, come on, come on, please still be here._

"Found it." Castiel said grabbing hold of the knife in the bottom of the drawer. He grabbed the dresser starting to move it, he was half way there when Lucifer kicked the door in.

"Now I'm pissed, impressed, but pissed." Lucifer smiled, stepping into the room. Castiel held up the knife, "Oh jeez what are you gonna do with that."

"S-stay back." Castiel warned, nerves flooding his senses.

Lucifer's grin widened, "Maybe there's hope for you yet Castiel. I didn't think you had any fight in you but I guess time has proved me wrong. Consider me impressed, though like I said I'm still pissed." He loomed closer to his younger brother, who brandished the knife more.

"I said stay back!" Castiel warned getting the edge back to his to his voice.

Lucifer rolled his eyes continuing to press forward, "Come on Cas we both know you don't have the balls to use that." Castiel slashed the knife, cutting Lucifer's arm. The blood pouring from his open wound, Lucifer looked down. Then he slowly lifted his head, his smile was gone. Cas backed up into the wall. "You really do have fight in you. Sadly," Lucifer reached into his pocket, "gun trumps knife." Castiel shook as his older brother pointed a gun at him, "Now put the knife down."

Castiel did as he was told. "Good boy. Very good. Now go sit on the bed over there and we'll chat like adults." Castiel walked over and sat down on the bed, his eyes welled with tears. Lucifer put his gun away and sat down on the bed next to his brother. "Now, like I was saying, I need some information. I believe you've met the Winchester boys."

"I won't tell you anything." Castiel sneered.

Lucifer rolled his eyes again, "That's why I have this," he pulled the gun back out, "you know I was really looking forward to having an adult conversation with you. But I guess like with everything else you have to make it complicated." Lucifer pointed the gun to Castiel's head.

Cas took a deep breath, reaching up as fast as possible, knocking away the gun. Lucifer grabbed Castiel's wrists before he could grab the gun. He shoved his little brother down, pinning him to the bed by his wrists and putting his knees on Castiel's legs so he couldn't get away. He smirked.

"You know, I really am impressed. You grew into quite the man, I could really use you if you didn't care about other people so much." Lucifer said. "Now let me tell you how this is gonna go, _**I**_ am gonna ask you a question and _**you **_are gonna answer it. I have you pinned and you really should consider all the vile and horrible things I could do to you. Don't make me tie you to this bed and cut you into pieces. You know I will. Oh and I swear if you spit in my eye..."

Castiel shook. He was trapped like a rat in a cage. "Now that I have your attention Castiel, let me say again, I believe you've met the Winchesters." Castiel didn't move, he didn't speak. He held still stoic and unyielding. "Do we really have to do this baby brother? I don't want to do this to you."

"Then don't." Castiel spat. "Don't do this."

Lucifer sighed, "I have to, unless you just answer. Don't make me hurt you, don't make me break you anymore then you already are."

"You can break me all you want." Castiel said softly, "I will not betray the people I care about because they're my friends and _that means something to me._"

"Your loyalty is cute." Lucifer smiled, "Too bad it's gonna get you one heaping helping of misery." Lucifer pushed himself forward while pulling Castiel's arm down so his knee's were sitting on top of his arms. He leaned back, removing his belt.

"What are you doing?" Cas asked nervously.

"Well, you aren't gonna talk so- I am gonna use this to tie your hands together so I can go get that knife." Lucifer replied, shifting back so that he could grab both of Castiel's arms. He looped the belt around Castiel's wrists- he shifted off of his brother and tied him up to the headboard. Lucifer rose to his feet, picking up the knife that Castiel had been holding before. Cas tried to buck and roll over but he was tied tight.

"It's useless to fight me Cas." Lucifer said pulling Castiel's shirt up so it was around his wrists. He cracked a wicked grin, "I see I have left quite a few scars. Lucky me. Now, let's get down to business shall we? I need to know everything you know about Sam Winchester."

"No." Cas replied, Lucifer gave Cas a fake frown and sliced across his chest. Castiel let out a pained scream. Lucifer sighed and laid his head down on Castiel's forehead staring into his eyes.

"Cas I don't want to do this to you- you're my brother. My baby brother- you used to idolize me- used to love me more then anything- don't make me hurt you. Don't make me break you anymore, you're already so broken." Lucifer whispered.

"How do you know, you're never there for me." his captive brother responded coldly.

The elder brother chuckled softly, "I'm always there for you, Castiel. Whether you see me or not. I'm always pulling strings to keep you safe, always diverting some twisted attention to someone else. I'm always there, the invisible hand keeping you safe. The fallen angel on your shoulder. Keeping you safe."

Cas gritted his teeth, "You're lying."

"Am I, Castiel? Look at my eyes and tell me that I'm lying. I love you Castiel. I do. I love you and Gabriel, and Anna. I love our uncles, our aunts, our cousins. The only people I have a beef with are Michael and dad. Even then, I still love them." Lucifer whispered closing his eyes- his forehead still touching his brothers.

Cas closed his eyes, tears rolling down his cheeks. Lucifer opened his eyes and watched his brother as he cried. He reached up and wiped away Castiel's tears with his thumb. "Shh. Don't cry Cas, don't cry. I'm here. I love you."

"...no you don't..." Cas croaked.

"Shh. Castiel... I'm here for you, I'll always be here for you... Shh." Lucifer whispered.

"...how can you say that you love me? ...how can you torture me like this? ...how can you even- even claim... to love- me..." Cas sobbed.

"Please Castiel. Just tell me what I need to know. I don't want to hurt you anymore..." Lucifer whispered. "Don't make me threaten the people you love... Don't make me... Don't make me be that person... If you love those people, you will tell me what you know..."

"He's my friend... Lucifer..." Cas whimpered.

"I have to..." Lucifer said softly, "...I'll hurt his family... I'll kill Dean... I'll kill Mary... And you'll know- in your heart- that you could have saved them. So tell me... Castiel... what do you know?"

"I-" Cas sniffled, "I know... what you did to his father... I know what you did to him... He hasn't told anyone except me... he doesn't think anyone will believe him... he hardly believes it..."

"Does he know you and I are related?" Lucifer asked slowly.

"No..." Castiel conceded.

"Alright... Good. You won't tell him, you won't tell anyone... you'll go on just as you have... Understand?" Castiel nodded obediently, "Good boy." Lucifer whispered kissing Castiel on the forehead.

"What do you want with Sam Winchester?" Castiel asked softly.

"You already know Castiel." Lucifer replied, "I'm going to make him my student. He's going to help to lead the pack, he's going to help me find father and were going to kill him and were going to tear down his life's work. We'll build a new foundation."

"Why Sam...?"

"Because it was meant to be..." Lucifer whispered, "I can't tell you anymore." he leaned down kissing Cas on the forehead again. "You really care about him... don't you?"

"...yes..."

Lucifer continued on, "But not as much as you care about his brother..."

"...how did you...?"

"I told you, I'm always watching over you." Lucifer replied kissing his closed eyelid. He rose to his feet and left the room. Castiel laid still, he couldn't leave because he was still tied down. There was nothing that he could do, after a few minutes Balthazar came rushing upstairs.

"Castiel!" Balthazar said reaching for the binding, Cas groaned, "Kinky."

"You are not funny." Cas replied, Blathazar smiled a little and began to untie Cas, who moaned in pain. Once he got the restraints off of his friend, he used Castiel's shirt to help with the bleeding. Castiel sat up and touched his wrists which were in utter pain.

"I'm glad you're okay." Balthazar said gently.

"I'm not really... I just sold out one of my closest friends to my psychotic brother." Castiel said, a whole new round of tears threatening to come out.

"I'm going to call Gab-"

"Don't." Castiel replied putting a hand on Balthazar's shoulder to stop him, "He's out with his girlfriend. I'm okay. He doesn't need to know until he gets home."

Balthazar sighed, "Alright. Go get cleaned up, I'll try and take care of this big mess."

After his shower, Castiel took a nap on his couch in sweatpants and a really baggy T-shirt that wasn't even his. He napped for maybe half an hour before his nightmare got so intense that Balthazar had to wake him up. Cas ate some lunch after that and Balthazar stepped out to run an errand- leaving Castiel alone. Though before he left he had asked Castiel about a billion times if he was okay to be alone, to which Cas responded, "I'll be fine."

Cas knew that he was having a type of delayed reaction, like his mind had put his feelings on hold and now he was having trouble getting them back. It wasn't uncommon for him to have this happen. Often times life and death situations have delayed reactions so that the mind can protect itself. Also so that the body can get itself out of danger without having to worry about emotional breakdowns.

So he had to find something to do to pass the time. He watched TV for about an hour but nothing good was on so he shut it off. Plus Cas was having a hard time focusing on one thing for more then a matter of minutes. That was also a pretty standard reaction. Cas listened to the rain for about a half an hour- not thinking about anything at all- before he got bored. Then he cleaned up the mess upstairs some more, making sure that everything was in the best shape possible. He felt kind of bad for using Gabe's room to hide from his brother but he knew Gabe would understand- though he may protest a little.

At about four thirty there was a knock at the door. Castiel held the knife that he had borrowed from Michael's room, he clutched it tightly. He didn't know if it was Lucifer or one of Lucifer's minions but after the previous events of the day, he didn't want to take any chances. He felt nervousness spring up in his gut, it was the first feeling that he had, had since Balthazar cut him loose. He wasn't sure whether he should be happy or sad about that, in fact he wasn't sure whether feeling was in his best interest right now or not.

Castiel opened the door with caution. He was met with a set of emerald green eyes, guilt latched itself onto every part of him when he saw Dean Winchester at his door. Feelings Castiel didn't even know he had started rushing to the surface. Fighting each other to get out, pushing each other and tearing each other apart as they threatened to escape. He tried his best to force them back down. Cas couldn't let them get the best him. He realized that in some way he had betrayed Sam and he knew that meant that he had betrayed Dean too. A thick lump formed in his throat.

"Hey, Cas. I know I probably should have called but... I was driving by and I thought that I should just stop by. I'm on my way to do back to school shopping- I was wondering if you needed anything cause if you did then... you could come with me." Dean spewed, "Unless you're busy."

Castiel opened his mouth but no words came out. He froze on the spot, his jaw hanging open just a little.

"You okay?" Dean asked after a moment of silence.

"Dean, you should leave." Cas said softly.

"Woah. Cas. Tell me how you really feel. Everything okay?" Dean replied, refusing to get off his porch.

Cas shook his head, bitting down on his lip and letting his eyes find the ground, "You need to leave."

Dean stepped forward, refusing to be pushed away, "Cas. What happened?"

"I'm fine." Cas replied flatly, starting to shake.

"You're not fine." Dean returned.

"I'm fine." Castiel replied, shutting the door and locking the it leaving Dean alone in the rain. Dean raised an eyebrow at the door, he wasn't going to be pushed away. He knew something about this picture just wasn't right- call it a hunch. The way that Cas was dressed, the look on his face, the marks on his wrist. Dean sighed. He circled the house looking for the easiest window to get in.

He found one on the side of the house, when he looked inside he saw that it was their laundry room. It wasn't visible from the street and Castiel didn't have neighbors. He tried pulling up on the window, it was locked. Luckily for Dean, Castiel lived in an old house which meant that they had the old double hung window. There were screens on most of them but for some reason this one didn't have one, Dean guessed that the window wasn't used much.

Dean pulled out the pocket knife that his father had given him. He flipped it open and stuck the knife up and under, wiggling it trying to turn the latch. "Come on you piece of crap." he muttered as he fought with the window.

"Yahtzee." Dean smiled, lifting the window open. He hoisted himself up- on what he assumed was the air conditioner- and climbed in sideways since the window was small for him to fit through. He fell onto the ground- it wasn't his most graceful move, but hey he was improvising. He took his jacket off hanging it up in the closet since he was soaked and he closed the window. Locking it. Hopefully he would be leaving out the front door.

The next problem Dean ran into was that he didn't know the layout of Castiel's house and he had no idea where Cas would be. He also didn't know who was here, though he guessed no one was home since there were no cars in the driveway. Dean followed the hallway out into what he assumed was the family room, which was connected to the kitchen. He peered through French styled doors into a huge room with a piano but Cas wasn't there.

He followed the kitchen into another hallway that led to the foyer, he glanced in the room next the foyer- which he guessed was some kind of living room he wasn't sure, then he found the stair case. Dean headed upstairs passing by different bedrooms peering into each one, two of them were an utter mess like a battle had gone on inside.

Dean followed the hallway back, as he got closer to the last room he heard soft sobbing. He was left to assume that it was Cas, he took a deep breath knowing that this could go one of two ways. Either Cas would tell him to get the hell out of his house or he would let him comfort him- this was the preferable outcome.

Dean pushed the door open softly, what he saw almost broke his heart. Castiel was clutching the coat Dean had learned he had gotten from him mother. He was crying, not sobbing or anything but there were tears. Silent tears, the worst kind of tears. A suffering that no one took notice of. "Cas..." he said softly, standing in the doorway empathy radiating off him.

Castiel looked up slowly, "I told you, you shouldn't be here."

Dean shrugged, "What can I say, I'm a rule breaker."

"You should go." Castiel replied weakly.

"You need help. I'm not leaving till I know you have it. Is someone here with you?" Dean asked slowly.

"No."

"Then I'm not leaving." Dean said, letting himself in the room. He found a seat next Castiel- he didn't touch him because he wasn't sure if he was the mental state to be hugged or not.

"You should go." Castiel repeated.

"Yeah, I'm hearing you say that but I'm not hearing you mean it." Dean responded. "Cas what happened?"

Castiel shook his head. His feelings were catching up with him and he didn't want anyone to see him this way. Castiel didn't like it when people watched him break down. Yet at the same time, he was kind of happy that Dean was there. No one was making Dean be there, Dean was there because he wanted to be.

"Alright." Dean replied, "Come on, were getting you off the floor." Dean said reaching over gently and tugging on Castiel's arm until he stood up. Dean then lead Castiel to his bed and had him sit down, "How much water have you drank today?" Dean asked. Castiel blinked unsure of what Dean meant by that. "You're probably dehydrated if you've been crying. Especially if you haven't drank anything today."

Castiel shrugged and Dean left the room returning several minutes later with a cup of water. He pushed the cup towards Castiel who was still crying. "Drink." he stated. Castiel obeyed, having Dean there telling him what to do was actually helpful. He didn't have to think about what he was doing. Someone was telling him how he needed to behave.

"How- exactly..." Castiel tried to talk but his voice choked up.

"You forget that my dad died." Dean said sitting down next to Castiel. "My mom would come in and pester me and Sammy all the time telling us that if we had been crying we needed to drink more water. So we didn't make ourselves dehydrated crying. Gives you a hell of a headache."

Castiel finished the glass then put it on the ground, his trench coat sitting in his lap. A fresh round of tears started and Dean sighed. His eyes filling with concern. "Cas what happened?" he asked again.

Cas shook his head, he couldn't say, he wasn't allowed to say. He knew better then to disobey Lucifer. "I can't..." he whispered. Dean looked away nodding slowly.

"Alright." he said softly, "Cas, can I hug you? You look like you need it."

Cas nodded, but instead of waiting for Dean to hug him, Castiel threw his arms around Dean- letting the tears flow freely. It took Dean a moment to react, he was kind of surprised to see Cas this vulnerable. He wrapped his arms Castiel's back and just let Cas cry. "Come on angel, don't you cry." he said softly. Dean felt just awful, he didn't know what had happened to Cas and apparently Castiel couldn't or wouldn't talk about it. So he just wanted to help anyway that he could.

Dean secretly thanked his intuition for being right, otherwise Cas would have been doing this alone. If that had happened, Dean didn't know if Cas would have been able to muddle through. Cas wasn't just in pain, he was in excruciating agony.

Cas just clutched Dean as his only lifeline. Castiel felt like he didn't have anyone else, he knew it wasn't true, he had Gabe and Balthazar but neither of them were home. But Dean, Dean was here- holding him and letting him cry. Castiel didn't know if he had ever been so grateful in his life, it was one thing to feel this way when he was a kid. It was one thing to have nightmares where he relieved his worst experiences with Lucifer. But to relieve them now that he was old enough and emotionally mature enough to understand everything that was happening. To have it all be so real and so present- it was like ripping open his old wounds while simultaneously creating new ones. Then bathing when all of his skin had been ripped away, being shoved into a bath of salt.

The pain was so real and so intense that he couldn't even react to it right away. It was like his emotions had overloaded and now they had rebooted. Now that they had rebooted, he had to face all of the things that were there when they had shut off. He didn't want to admit it but he needed someone there. Castiel needed a shoulder to cry on. So he was secretly glad that Dean was a stubborn pain in the ass.

After about twenty minutes Dean left and got Cas another glass of water and some Aspirin for the headache Dean knew Cas would get. He made Castiel drink the whole glass then he went and got him another one just for good measure. After about an hour Castiel had worn himself out completely and taken quite the toll on Dean too.

Dean decided he didn't feel comfortable leaving Cas alone, he texted his mom letting her know that he probably wouldn't be home tonight and if work called tell them it was an emergency because it really kind of was.

"Lay down." Dean instructed. Castiel nodded and laid down on his bed. "You just about wore yourself out didn't you?"

"Yes." Cas replied meekly.

Dean walked over and closed the door, he kicked his shoes off and pulled off his shirt. Climbing onto the bed. Castiel's cheeks flushed pink and Dean shrugged, "I usually wouldn't do this kind of thing but..."

"What?" Cas asked softly.

"Look, Cas I don't know what you saw. I don't know why you can't tell me what it was that you saw. All I know is I'm not leaving you when you look this way. I also know that with whatever you saw, sleeping is gonna be hell. So, maybe having someone with you will help." Dean replied wrapping his arms around Castiel's waist.

Cas wiggled free, "I don't think I'll be able to sleep if you hold onto me."

"Sorry. Habit. I forgot you've probably never slept with someone besides family." Dean replied. "Just know, that when you wake up out of the nightmare you might have- I will be right here. To remind you that whatever the hell you're seeing isn't real. This. This right now is real. It isn't a dream. Okay. I'm here for you."

"Dean?" Cas said softly.

"Yeah?" Dean asked in his usual tone.

"Thank you." Castiel whispered. Dean smiled, leaning forward a little. Castiel blushed and closed his eyes, Dean chuckled a little.

"You're welcome." Dean replied, giving Castiel a soft kiss on the forehead. "Now sleep."

Castiel nodded with his eyes closed and reluctantly let himself fall into a deep sleep.

* * *

_Monster rant coming up so brace yourselves.  
_

_Okay so this chapter is broken up into three parts; the calm before the storm, the storm, then the aftermath. I'm glad that chapter thirteen was so short because it gave me two days to really kind of get in the mindset to write this chapter. While it was a really enjoyable chapter to write, it was also very tiring. Especially writing what I refer to as 'the storm'. _

_Let me break this down for you...  
_

_The first part (the calm before the storm) was relaxing to write. I liked writing it because I think it really gave Castiel a chance to breath and as a reader I think it gave everyone time to build up suspense in their own minds. I mean there's such a calming atmosphere and yet the reader has that knowledge that Lucifer is coming at some point to get Cas. When I reread it I was proud because on one hand you want to be glad that Cas it getting a break, yet you know that fate won't be kind to him.  
_

_The second part (the storm) was the hardest to write. I loved writing it but it was such a challenge, especially in the beginning when Cas and Lucifer are having this game of cat and mouse. Writing an action sequence is very difficult. I mean really difficult, when you want to create suspense. I referenced two nursery rhymes (because Lucifer is a bastard like that) 'Jack be nimble' and 'It's Raining It's Pouring'. Both nursery rhymes are the way that I learned them (there are about a billion different versions). I wanted to use 'Peter, Peter Pumpkin Eater' but it just wasn't appropriate. Maybe I'll use it late. Depends on the reception. I wasn't sure about using a nursery rhyme because while I can see Lucifer doing it I didn't want it to feel cliche.  
_

_Lastly, there was the third part (the aftermath) which was the easiest to write. It was a way of coming down off of the high action. Castiel having this type of delayed response until he knew that he was out of danger then seeing Dean and all of the guilt and repressed emotions just bubbling over. I debuted how I wanted this chapter to end. There was choice a, which was to have Cas shut Dean out and have him leave confused and choice b (which was the less favored choice), to have Cas let Dean in and comfort him. In the end, I kind of melded the choices together. Having Cas try and shut Dean out but having Dean refusing to give up and end up sneaking into his house. Then calming him. I decided to have Dean refuse to give up for one reason, I am an ass to Castiel and I feel utter pity. Plus I don't think what Dean did was out of character for him. I know he would have done it if it was Sam, I'm thinking that he would have done the same for Cas.  
_

_Long rant about writing over.  
_

_The title of the chapter came from a B side track from My Chemical Romance's album 'The Black Parade'. The song is called, 'My Way Home is Through You'. There are certain lines in the song that just struck me when it came up on shuffle. Originally the chapter was going to be titled 'Broken Throne' but I changed it because I felt the title 'Come On Angel, Don't You Cry' could be interpreted as many different people saying it. I can see it to ways, I can see it as Castiel's feelings for Dean, Lucifer's feelings for Castiel in the past, Castiel's feelings for his family now, Lucifer's feelings for Castiel now, there are a lot of different things you could interpret it. I think the way that the song comes across (witch such force and yet such desperation) really fits the way this chapter played out.  
_

_These Lyrics were the ones that **really** struck me and inspired me as I was writing the chapter.  
_

_"Gonna take off all my skin,  
Tear apart all of my insides,  
When they rot from within,  
Mom I don't think you'll be saved,  
They never had the time,  
They're gonna medicate your lives,  
You were always born a crime,  
We salute you in your grave."  
_

_"Can't find my way home,  
But it's through you and I know,  
What I'd do just to get back in your arms,  
Can't find my way home,  
But it's through you and I know,  
What I'd do just to get back, well, in your arms."  
_

_"Do you wanna hold my hand?  
Could you sign this photograph,  
'Cause I'm your biggest fan,  
Would you leave me lying here?"_

_"I can't find the way"  
_

_"Come on angel, don't you cry"  
_

_I suggest you youtube it when you have the time.  
_

_Finally, **I would really appreciate reviews on this chapter.** The reason why I bold it, is it'll effect how I write the next action sequences. So I really want to know what you guys think about it.  
_

_As always I appreciate everyone who does review (seriously when I read them I want to reach through my computer and hug you all). I'll see you guys next chapter!  
_


	15. Ch 15 Interlude

Ch. 15 Interlude

Sam was excited to be home- he was excited that things were going back to some sense of normalcy. It felt good that for the last few days he had woken up in his own bed. That he was able to wake up at whatever time he wanted. Sam was also thankful that he was able to shower for however long he wanted.

Just as promised the first thing he did when he got home was take an hour long shower.

His mother was going easy on him when she was home and Dean had also been going easy on him. Though to be truthful it kind of seemed like Dean had something on his mind and so he didn't have the time to bug Sam. It was weird, that two days ago when they had those storms Dean had left to go school shopping and didn't come back till the next day. When he had asked about what was going on, Dean just said that he was with someone who was having a hard time adjusting.

However, Sam wasn't excited that he had to return to school after just getting home from the hospital. It seemed like Sam got home, then had to turn around and go back to school. School was like having a full time job and while Sam liked to learn, he found it pretty damn exhausting. He was kind of irritated that he didn't really get a break but, there was nothing he could really do about it.

It was gonna be his freshmen year of high school so it was a little exciting at least. He would be moved from the junior high to the high school. The bummer was that Dean had late arrival the first semester so he wouldn't be riding with him. Even though Sam wouldn't admit it out loud- EVER- he kind of liked the idea of having Dean around. It meant that the kids in his class would finally back off a little.

Sam kind of had a history of being picked on by others. He loved to read and apparently that made him some kind of freak. Especially since Sam liked old school books- he was a huge Steven King fan and also a huge Edgar Alan Poe. Sam couldn't help it, he just loved horror stories. Lots of times he would just curl up with a good book and keep to himself. In school that made it kind of hard to make friends- now add the fact that he was cautious of everyone and that he would always come up with these weird fantasies- and absolutely no one wanted to talk to him.

Yup, Sam was pretty much a freak of nature.

Sam groaned, hearing his obnoxious alarm clock go off. He rolled over onto his side, seven in the morning. He kicked his legs over the bed and fumbled around till he hit the off button on his alarm clock. Sam pulled his clothes on lazily, he was envious that Dean didn't have to be there until later. It sucked. Loads.

Sam headed downstairs, making sure to give Dean's door a kick as he passed by. He heard Dean groan and Sam smiled a little bit giving a soft chuckle under his breath. When he got downstairs Mary was already up, cleaning up the kitchen. "Morning mom." Sam said sleepily. Sam grabbed some frozen toaster strudel and put it in the toaster, leaning on the counter as it cooked.

"Good morning Sammy. Are you ready for your first day?" She said chipper.

Sam shrugged his shoulders, "I guess."

"Tell her the truth Sammy you're still seeing me." Lucifer said lingering in the doorway. Sam gazed at him for a moment the turned his attention back to his mother.

"Well I'm glad. Oh, did you take your medicine?" Mary reminded.

Sam sighed, grabbing the pill bottle out of the medicine cabinet then stalking over to grab a glass. He poured himself some milk and swallowed his pill. "There. Medicine has been taken." Sam replied looking over at his mom. Grabbing his toaster strudel out of the toaster and biting down on it as he left the room to grab his books his vision following him out of the room.

"So what flavor are those Sammy? Strawberry? Blueberry?" Lucifer jested following Sam around the corner into his room, "Rainbow dash?"

Sam rolled his eyes doing his best to ignore his patronizing voice. He flopped down on his bed pulling his shoes on, tying them tightly. Reaching up to hold the strudel so he could take another bite. Sam gathered his books and headed back down the stairs, finishing his strudel. Sam headed down the stairs, grabbing his coat which was on a rack by the kitchen. He didn't think that he would need the coat but he figured just in case he would bring it along.

"Okay mom, I'm ready to go." Sam called, standing in the doorway.

Mary nodded stepping out to grab her coat, apparently she had the same idea as Sam about the coat. "Alright then. I'll take and drop you off then be off to my first day too. Oh I'm so excited."

Sam and Mary headed for the front door. "Have a great day sweetie!" Lucifer chided from the doorway, causing Sam to flinch.

"Sam are you alright?" Mary asked, noticing Sam's reflex.

"Yeah." Sam replied, "I'm fine."

Mary paused a moment, "Sam."

"What?" Sam asked. Mary pulled out a camera and Sam groaned. The dreaded 'first day of school' picture, every year Mary would take a picture of him and Dean. "Doesn't that not really work, since Dean's has late arrival and all that?" Sam asked.

A mischievous smile crossed Mary's lips, "I took a picture of Dean already."

"You took a picture of him sleeping didn't you?" Sam said a smile dancing at the corners of his lips. He loved when his mom messed with Dean and him. It made him feel like dad was still around because she used to be such a joker. That's probably where Dean learned it from, at least a little bit.

"Maybe." Mary said happily.

"Mom." Sam replied, "I love you."

His mother giggled a little, grabbing onto Sam's shoulder. "Now stand over there alright?" Sam did as he was told and stood where his mother had instructed. "Okay now say cheese Sammy."

"Cheese." Sam replied embarrassed. Mary snapped two pictures for good measure, then she stayed still beaming with a sad pride. "You okay mom?"

Mary nodded, "Yeah, yeah I'm okay. I just... I didn't realize that I'd be doing this alone is all. I thought that your father would be here to see your first day of high school, but..."

The smile on Sam's face faded. "It's okay mom. It's gonna be okay."

Mary let the smile find her again, her upbeat voice returning, "Alright Sam. Let's get going." Sam nodded climbing into the passenger seat of the van. Mary started the car, pulling out of the garage onto the street. She was relaxed as she drove, "Are you nervous for your first day back?"

Sam smiled, "Nah. What about you are you nervous?"

Mary laughed a little, "A little maybe, but nothing major. I'm always a little nervous on the first day because of meeting all of the new people. Otherwise though I'm just excited."

Sam nodded, looking outside. He watched as the scenery move across his vision. He hoped that he would be able to be normal this year, he knew that his hospital visit had been kept under wraps and so he wouldn't have to worry about that at least. He sighed as the van pulled up to the high school. He watched as students emptied into the building.

Sam stepped out of the car, thanking his mom for the ride. He headed into the large double doors and stood in the lobby. The first thing Sam took notice of was all of the people. He guessed it was because he was used to the junior high which only had two grades and now he was in the high school which was four grades. He took a few steps into the school observing the scene. Sam plopped himself down at one of the tables nearby, school didn't start for fifteen more minutes so he had time to wait.

Everyone was in their own little clicks, talking to one another. Sam felt awkward because he realized that he didn't have any group to stand with. He didn't really have any friend to spend his time with and since Dean wasn't there he had no one to talk to. Sam kind of felt like an apple in a basket of oranges, he sighed and wished silently that he had brought a book to pass the time.

"So, first day huh? You all excited Sammy? Are you trembling in your shoes?" a voice rang. Sam glanced over to see Lucifer, turning his attention back forward. "Oh I get it, don't want everyone to think your crazy right?"

Sam sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose.

"Hey lookie what we got here. It's Sam Winchester." a voice rang. Sam closed his eyes internally groaning. He turned slowly to face, Dirk McGregor. Dirk had tormented Sam for years, since grade school. Sam could take him out but he didn't want to, Sam just wanted to blend in with everyone else. Dirk smiled, when Sam shrunk in his shoes. "Even in high school, you're still a pest. Still trying to be normal, but you read those nasty old books, and you spend your time doing weirdo things. You'll never fit in. Never be normal."

Sam sighed and turned away knowing it would all be over soon, this sort of thing was routine for Dirk. He would taunt Sam and make a couple remarks about how Sam was a freak, yata yata. Bottom line was, if Sam didn't bite then Dirk would usually get bored within a few minutes and leave. Sam sighed, Dirk took a step forward grabbing a hold of Sam's books and shoving them across the floor. "Come on Losechester. Get up, fight back."

"Oh wow, he's quite the clever one." Lucifer chided.

Sam hopped to his feet grabbing the books and things, but apparently Dirk was in a bad mood. He pushed Sam to the floor, attracting the attention of everyone within ear shot. Sam groaned this was the exact type of thing he didn't want to happen. "Come on. Get up." Dirk egged on.

Sam stayed on the floor picking up his things. "You know Sam if you stay on the ground you're only gonna provoke him more." Lucifer said while picking dirt out from underneath his fingernails. "Really not the best idea if you wanna blend in."

Sam sighed putting his books up on a table and rising to his feet. Dirk reached forward grabbing Sam by the collar. "It's a whole new year, Losechester, were gonna have loads of fun. Just loads."

"Can't wait." Sam replied sarcastically.

Lucifer clicked his tongue, "You're just pissing him off Sam."

Dirk pushed Sam up against the wall, glaring down his prey. "You wanna go Sammy boy? Cause I will take you, any time any place."

"His name is Sam." a dark voice replied.

Dirk turned to be faced with piercing blue eyes. "The hell are you?" he asked putting Sam down. "And why the hell should I care?"

Castiel let out a sigh, stepping forward and grabbing the boy by his shirt collar. "I'll only say this once, you will leave Sam Winchester alone. He's a friend of mine and I care about him as a person. I'm a senior, do you really want me on your bad side?"

"Aw he's so cute when he's getting all authoritative." Lucifer fangirled. Sam turned his head glaring at his delusion. "What? It's just an observation no need to get mad." Sam rolled his eyes.

Castiel dropped the boy who immediately fled. "Thanks, Cas." Sam said, "Though I didn't take you as the threatening type."

"Only because you were in danger." Castiel shrugged, his blue eyes finding the floor. "On any other occasion I would have simply left it alone, but you're my friend and I don't appreciate people yanking other people's chains."

Sam nodded, "I really appreciate it."

"Anytime Sam." Cas said softly, a twinge of guilt visible in his eyes.

"You okay?" the younger Winchester asked, collecting his things as the bell rang telling students to go to their lockers and classrooms.

Castiel grabbed his chin, thumbing over the stubble that had grown. His eyes fixed on something that Sam wasn't sure even existed, "Yes." he replied frankly.

School wasn't anything note worthy for Sam. After his morning run in with Dirk, most people in his class seemed to be avoiding him. Which Sam didn't really mind, he wanted to have friends but at the same time he wasn't sure anyone was worth making friends with. There was no one that he really knew in his classes- there were a few faces but they were just faces without names. That seemed to be a reoccurring issue with Sam, he could remember the face but he didn't remember the name. On the plus side, he wasn't as bad with names as his brother was.

Lucifer was only a minor irritation during school. He was an irritating distraction, but he didn't seem to be making Sam feel like complete and utter shit. Probably because Sam's confidence in himself was probably about a seven, the day had reassured him that high school would be easier then junior high. There seemed to be a pattern attached to Sam's delusions- when he was stressed or in pain Lucifer was there making everything ten times worse. Though it seemed when Sam felt okay- okay being at least able to function and lie to get through the day- Lucifer was just a minor annoyance. He would throw things like firecrackers, read books loudly, and have one sided conversations, which was absolutely irritating but it didn't make Sam feel like he should jump off a cliff so that was something. Lucifer wasn't sitting around telling Sam about how he was an awful person and how he should just jump off a bridge.

Sam hated feeling suicidal, especially since he knew what his death would do to Dean and to his mom.

There was one person that he had in his last period that he knew though, Jo. He was glad to see her but she nearly beat him senseless out of principle for not calling after he got out of the hospital. Sam would never tell her- cause she'd beat him- but she really could be like her mom sometimes. Though Sam guessed that's how she managed to keep Dean in line. Still the two decided that they should walk out together, Jo wanted to kick Dean's ass for not telling her that Sam was out of the hospital.

"I'm serious Sam, how hard is it to pick up the damn phone and say 'hey my brother's out of the hospital'." Jo complained to Sam.

Sam cracked a smile, the first smile he'd had since he got out of the car this morning. "I don't know."

"Hey! You aren't out of this either. The same applies." Jo said punching Sam in the shoulder. "But no- you Winchesters you're all up in your own business, doing your own thing, not thinking about anyone else! You guys suck, you know that?"

"Hey, no one makes you hang out with us." Sam replied, "If you hate us so much why don't you just go get some new friends."

"Maybe I will." Jo quipped.

"You won't." Sam laughed, "You'd miss the crazy we bring into your life."

Jo sighed rolling her eyes, "You sound like Dean." she griped.

"He is my brother." Sam replied, fiddling with his locker combination.

"Did someone say my name?" the elder Winchester chided from behind the two. Sam glanced over his shoulder to see Dean and Castiel- Castiel had some books but Dean, like usual, didn't seem to think he needed any. Jo stepped forward pushing Dean, who took a step back but wasn't affected by the push more then that. He cracked his signature smile, "What'd I do?"

"You didn't bother to call me to tell me Sam was out of the hospital." Jo replied, crossing her arms defiantly.

Dean laughed a little reaching up to scratch the back of his head, "My bad."

"You appear to be whipped." Castiel observed in his deadpan voice. Sam laughed a little, he could almost hear Dean's blood boiling.

"Shut up Cas." Dean replied.

"I believe people only say 'shut up' when something is true. Are you conceding the argument?" Sam let his head fall into the locker, trying to stifle the laughter. Jo appeared to be attempting to hold back her amusement as well.

"Shut up Sam." Dean said quickly, then turned back to his companion, "...you're...whipped..." he mumbled not having a better come back. He let out a heavy sigh, "Keep this up and I won't drive you home." Dean threatened.

Sam turned to watch the scene, Cas merely shrugged his shoulders indifferently. He didn't seem to care either way. Jo took a step forward, "So Dean you gonna introduce me or what?"

Dean pointed to Castiel, "Jo this is Castiel." then he pointed to Jo, "Cas this is the equivalent of my pesky little sister. Her name's Jo."

Before Jo extended a hand to Castiel who observed it for a moment before reluctantly taking it, she kicked Dean in the shins. "It's nice to meet you. Dean talks all about you... Cas-ti-el?" Jo smiled.

"Cas." he simplified, having grown fond of the nickname his friend had given him.

"Cas." Jo repeated.

"Yes." Cas replied. "People seem to have difficulty pronouncing my first name and I've... grown fond of the nickname Cas."

Jo smiled, "Well, it's nice to meet you Cas. I'm glad Dean's found someone that he can get in trouble- besides me." Cas merely gave a small, sincere, smile.

"Okay so now that were all cozy here, Jo am I taking you home?" Dean asked interrupting the meeting. Jo nodded, "Alright, well, the Winchester bus is departing the station so if you're boarding then please follow." Dean turned to walk towards the school's exit. Sam followed with Jo on one side and Cas on the other.

Sam laughed a little, "The Impalla is hardly a bus."

"Didn't seem right to say my baby was leaving the station." Dean replied holding the door open for everyone.

Cas touched Dean's shoulder, "Excuse but how is an automobile your baby?"

Dean rolled his eyes, Jo stifled a laugh. "It's an expression Cas. Jeez how do you even function as a member of society?" Cas shrugged. Dean unlocked his car but the three hesitated not knowing who would ride shotgun, "Alright, underclassmen in the back." Dean reasoned. Sam and Jo both groaned allowed. Jo and Sam unwillingly climbed into the back seats, Dean followed suit. Castiel hesitated before being the last one to climb into the car, "Rules of the road kids, don't like it..." Dean replied, turning the keys causing the engine to roar, "Learn to drive."

Dean rolled down the windows, cranking up the stereo blasting his father's old cassette tapes. A few students who were on there way to their cars shot Dean nasty looks as he pulled out of the school parking lot. "Does it have to be so loud?!" Sam yelled over the wailing guitars.

"What? Can't hear you Sammy!" Dean replied, his grin widening. Sam rolled his eyes and watched the scenery, Jo started headbanging enjoying the music, and Castiel looked a little panicked by the shear volume.

"Why must the music be so loud it causes me to feel ill?" Cas said, loud enough for Dean to hear but not loud enough for anyone else. Dean sighed, stopping at a stop light- he turned the music down so Cas didn't feel ill. "Thank you." he replied softly below the music.

Dean smiled a little, the his lips formed a small pout. "You guys are no fun."

"Dean are you giving us puppy dog eyes?" Jo laughed from the back seat.

"Maybe just a little." Dean said driving up Jo's driveway. "Alrighty sweetheart you are home and good to go."

Jo smiled, "Oh, hey, this weekend- my mom's gonna be out of town. I was thinking of doing a back to school party after the football game. Dean, Sam, Cas, you guys should all come. Bring suits, I'll have the pool heated so everyone can go swimming. It'll be a hell of a time, I'm having Ash help me plan it. It'll be good for you to get out so people remember that your normal, Sam Winchester. And Dean I know you love parties."

"Consider us there." Dean replied.

"Yeah. We'll be there Jo." Sam agreed.

She cracked a quick smile, "And Cas?"

"I suppose it couldn't hurt." Cas said softly.

"Great. See ya later boys." Jo smiled.

The rest of the week went off relatively well, everything was pretty quiet. Jo spent the week planning for the party, on occasion she would ask Dean to go pick up random things for her. So Sam and Dean would get in the Impalla and drive to the supermarket where they would buy whatever it was she asked for. The first few times it was decorations and after that it started being food and drinks.

It became routine for Dean to take Sam, Jo, and Cas home. He didn't really mind much and it saved them all the trouble of having to find someone else to take them home. Most of the times Dean would blast the music too loud and Sam would complain until he turned it down. Jo hung out the window a lot because she loved the breeze. Then Cas would sit nervously in the front seat, everyone picked up on Castiel's anxiety but no one really talked about it. The one time that Sam asked Dean about it- the first day of school after they had dropped him off- Dean said that Cas was going through a rough patch. Which should have been obvious based on his staying in the hospital- but it was nothing to worry about.

Classes were easy, all around though mostly for Cas and Dean. Apparently senior year was the easy year because teachers seemed pretty relaxed about everything. They guessed that it was because seniors had already grown into the type of person they were going to be. Most of the people were already set for who they were going to be when they got out of high school. They saw no point in trying to push the kids to be better. Dean was thrilled. It made the fact that he was late all the time, and never had his homework or books a lot easier.

Things seemed to sink into a routine even in the first week. Everyone seemed to find their groove relatively easily, Sam would get up around seven- sometimes a little earlier. He would get some breakfast while his visions- mainly Lucifer- would harass him about his upcoming day. Mary would always take notice and ask but Sam would never answer. Then Mary would drive him to school and he'd get picked on by Dirk, though Cas usually gave him a look and he'd run. Dean would come in second period and then the rest of the day would go by pretty slowly. Jo would harass him during his last period and then they'd go home. Easy routine.

The day of the party passed utterly slowly. The anticipation of the whole thing was killer, Sam decided not to go to the football game so he could help Jo and Ash set up. That left Dean and Cas to go to the game together, though Dean wasn't one for watching a high school football game and Cas didn't understand the concept. Still though the two decided to go together to keep each other company.

Dean shifted in the hard bleachers, groaning. "They could at least **_try_ **and make the seats comfortable."

"If they did that then they would have to pay money they could be putting into something else." Castiel justified.

"Yeah and our team isn't very good." Dean muttered, shifting in the seat again. They were up at the top left corner of the stands, no one else was around. Dean had them sit there for two reasons; one, he knew that Cas was uncomfortable being surrounded by people and this way there were less people, two, he wanted to be able to actually talk to Cas without the student section screaming in his ear. Dean was kind of an odd ball, while he could blend in and be popular he didn't really have any interest in the whole scene. There were just to many shallow people and too much pressure to be someone he wasn't.

The eldest Winchester was content to be the kid that no one really cared about because he was always just doing his own thing in silence. No one really paid him any mind unless he was causing trouble in class, forgetting his things, or coming in late. People seemed to only care about him when he was messing up and getting yelled at by teachers.

Then there was Castiel, who just blended into the scene surprisingly well. He didn't do anything outstanding, he just did his best to be another face in the crowd- for the most part it seemed to work pretty well. No one really paid him any mind, he wasn't like Dean he didn't do things like forget his home work or come in late- he did what everyone else did. He got decent grades and didn't have any extra circulars so most people just kind of left him alone. Cas had used school as a sanctuary for years, there were no evil big brothers, no worrying about his parents, no nothing- he was just that kid no one knew existed.

Because of this neither of them were inclined to sit in the student section, in fact they weren't even really inclined to watch the game. The few times that they did try to watch it resulted in a good laugh, but they weren't able to focus for very long.

"Why is everyone shouting?"

Dean rolled his eyes, "Because, Cas, the other team just got a touch down."

"Oh." Cas nodded, looking at Dean with blank blue eyes.

"You have no idea what that means do you?" Dean asked in a level voice.

"No." Cas said frankly. Dean smacked his hand over his eyes, trying to hold back his laughter. "I don't- Dean what's so funny?"

"Just that were at a foot ball game and you have no idea what's going on." Dean replied refusing to look Castiel in the face for fear of laughing until his sides hurt.

"I'm... sorry." he replied, feeling bad for ruining it for Dean.

Dean looked back at his companion and smiled, biting down on his bottom lip to make sure he didn't burst out laughing. "It's okay- I just-" Dean gave up and let himself start laughing, but once he started he couldn't stop. Castiel put a hand on Dean's back staring at him with concerned features. "You're a laugh Cas. You are such a laugh."

After halftime the boys decided to bail- Castiel's utter lack of understanding of the game of football and Dean's inability to explain it without cracking up that Cas didn't even know what a touch down was getting old for the both of them. The walked to the car, Dean still snickering every once and a while. "So where do you want to go?" Dean asked.

Cas shrugged climbing into the impalla. "I don't know."

"Well they aren't expecting us till the end of the game and I don't really want to get roped into helping Jo and Sam set up- the woman rules with an iron fist." Dean replied turning his keys to get the car running. "You sure you don't have anywhere specific you want to go?" Dean asked.

"We could- no never mind..." Castiel said looking out the window.

Dean cracked a grin. "If you wanna make out all you have to do is ask."

Castiel looked back, staring with his dead blue sapphires. "That wasn't what I was implying."

Dean laughed a big hearty laugh, "I can't believe you caught that. You never catch that kind of stuff. I was totally expecting you to say something like, 'make out what, what are we making out?' or something." Dean took a breath calming himself, "Man, I'm glad that I can laugh with you..."

Castiel let a small smile cross his lips, "I am, quite fond of your company as well."

"Anyway, what were you gonna say earlier?" Dean asked.

"It sounds silly." Castiel replied, gazing back out the window.

Dean leaned towards his friend, "Come on." he whined.

"I was merely going to suggest that we could go to the park near here and we could..." Cas trailed off again.

"What?" Dean asked, knowing that he could make an innuendo here but it wouldn't do much good. He also knew that although what Castiel was saying sounded kind of dirty- Cas meant it in a pure way. He wouldn't suggest any kind of innuendo because he was just an innocent guy.

"We could go swing?" Cas asked his cheeks turning a little pink. Dean didn't say anything. He just silently backed out of his parking place and headed for the park. Cas would be the type to suggest that they go to park to swing, Dean smiled as he thought about that.

"I seriously think that pirates could kick ninja's asses any day of the week. I mean seriously." Castiel chuckled as Dean started his rant about pirates and ninja's. He kicked forward on his swing listening to Dean's dramatic ranting. The elder Winchester had a tendency to talk with his hands when he got worked up and Castiel enjoyed watching and listening to him, "I mean, maybe if you had a one on one situation. One ninja versus one pirate the ninja might win, but if were talking groups then pirates kick ninja's asses every time. Ninja's don't work in groups, their lone assassins so having a group of ninja's they'd just screw each other up. Pirates are better in groups, I dunno. At the end of the day, I'd be a pirate. They get wine, women, and song. I think Sam's an idiot for picking ninja's. They're just broody little things." Cas laughed a little louder, "What?" Dean demanded.

"You're ability to pick topics out of thin air is most impressive." Cas said smiling, as he swung higher.

Dean shrugged, "I dunno. I just kinda do it. Did you used to swing a lot when you were a kid?"

"No. Not very often. That's why I enjoy it so much now." Cas replied.

"Swinging wasn't in your childhood?"

"No."

"You were deprived, your parents should be ashamed." Castiel laughed in response. "I'm serious man, swinging is like childhood one o' one. There were so many things that you would do on a swing. You could twist em' until the chain couldn't take it and then you'd spin until you either vomited or fell over staring at the sky. It was like getting drunk, for kids. Then there was jumping off the swing when you were going really high and seeing if you'd get hurt or not. Me and Sammy used to have contests."

"That sounds dangerous." his companion mused.

"It was and that made it fun." Dean laughed, "In fact, Sam broke his arm doing that. Dad was so pissed, he tore down the swing set in our backyard so we wouldn't do it again. Then Sammy cried till he put it back in and right after that cast came off we were doing it again."

"Why? It sounds dangerous." Cas replied, looking over at his companion who was swinging out of sync with him.

"Because it was the closest thing to flying that we could get." Dean smiled, reaching across the space between them grabbing the chain- jerking them and then causing them to swing in sync after an adjustment period. "And when you were little if you were swinging in sync with a girl then you were soul mates. Which was bad at the time 'cause girls have cooties. Jo used to make it so we'd swing in sync on purpose, then she'd deny it when I asked."

"You know cooties don't exist right Dean?"

"Yes Cas. I know cooties don't exist." Dean laughed letting go of Castiel's chain. The elder Winchester kicked his feet until he was going as high as he could, then he leaped from the swing landing on the ground with a satisfying thunk. "Come on. Jump."

"No. I don't wanna break my arm." Cas replied.

"You won't. Come on Cas don't be a pansy." Dean said egging his comrade on.

Cas bit his lip a little, "This seems like a bad idea."

"Come on Cas, just try it." Dean replied. "You've always wanted to know what its like to fly, right?"

"Yes. Fly. Not fall." Cas rebutted, holding tightly on the chain.

Dean laughed, "Part of flying is falling. In fact, flying itself is just falling with style."

"Your reasoning doesn't make any sense."

"It's Dean Winchester logic." Dean replied, "I follow it every day and I'm still here. Come on Cas, I'm giving you a chance to feel what my childhood felt like. You keep saying yours is so damn complicated, well here's a chance to feel what mine was like. Innocent. You'll be fine. Trust me." Dean crossed over in front of Castiel's path, stepping back out of range of where he thought Cas could land.

Castiel gripped the metal chain tightly. He watched Dean, who was smiling confidently. Cas positioned himself so he was ready to jump then next time that the swing went forward. He prepared himself mentally to jump, Dean gestured for him to jump below. So Cas let go, flying off the swing.

Dean was right, it was like flying or falling with style. It was liberating for the few fractions of a second that he was in the air, no one was holding him down. Nothing was attached, it was pure freedom. Almost like the first time that he had been left home alone, no siblings, just him. He could do anything at anytime, he could be anyone he wanted to.

That was, until the part where he landed on Dean.

"I'm so sorry!" Cas cried, guilt heavy in his voice. Cas rolled off of his landing cushion, grabbing Dean and rolling him onto his back. Dean had a smile plastered on his face, then started breaking up in hysterics. "Dean?"

"Oh- oh my god- that was great- the way you fell- man-"

"Why are you laughing?!" his companion wailed, "I could have seriously hurt you!"

"Did you enjoy it?" Dean chuckled.

"I-" Cas began then stopped to think, "What-?"

"Did you enjoy it?" Dean repeated, sitting up and dusting off his jacket.

"Yes but-"

"Then it was worth it." Dean concluded. "Gonna be sore tomorrow, though."

"You did that on purpose?"

"No." Dean smiled, "But if I was given the chance to do it over again, I'd do it the same way. Come on chuckles, get off the ground." Dean extended a hand to help Cas to his feet. Though unwilling at first, Cas eventually ended up taking it anyway. "You look better." Dean observed.

Castiel trotted over the the swing and sat down in it. "Better then when?"

"Last week, when I came to your house." he remembered. "I'm glad. You were pretty stressed out and your siblings gave me the evil eye when they found me in your bed... Still worth it though."

"Oh." Cas answered. "Yeah. I guess. I've had some time to adjust."

"Adjust to what? You never did tell me what was going on." Dean prided.

"I'm not supposed to talk about it-" Cas was cut off by the sound of Dean's cell phone ringing in his pocket. He held up a finger as if to say 'one second'.

"It's Sam." Dean observed, clicking the phone open. "Hello?"

"Dean." Sam gasped. "Dean- Dean- It's-"

"Whoa, whoa. Calm down Sam tell me what happened." Dean said. Castiel, cocked his head to the side a little- confused as to why Dean might have been saying such things to his brother.

"It's mom-"

* * *

_This chapter was a little bit of a filler chapter. It was kind of meant to be a little bit of a break. It's composed of quite a few one shot scenes, though at the end we kind of bring it back. Swing scene was my favorite part to write. I feel like I'll regret this chapter later but I really wanted to write something that was more relaxed._

_I'm sorry we kind of skip around with perspective's here but like I said this is a bit of a filler chapter and it's kind of made up of one shot scenes.  
_

_I wanted to give you guys an easy chapter because from here on out I think I have one more chapter that's not **drama, drama, action, drama, go, go, go.**__  
_

_And I'm a jerk and wanted give you a cliff hanger..._

_Thanks for the reviews! I appreciate the support! See you next chapter.  
_


	16. Ch 16 Crash

Ch. 16 Crash

Dean didn't even stop to blink, even before he had hung up the phone he was on his way to the car. He had to move fast if he wanted to get this right, he needed to be strong. Dean needed to be invincible if he wanted to make it through this night- he gritted his teeth as he rushed for the Impalla. Castiel followed behind unsure of what to do. Dean jumped into the car, slamming the door as he jammed the keys in the ignition. "Dean, what's going on?" Castiel panicked as he closed the passenger door.

"It's my mom... she was- she was in a car accident..." he managed. "Look, I can either take you home, or you can come with me." Dean replied vaguely as he pulled out of the parking space.

A frazzled Castiel gripped Dean's shoulder for a moment, "Dean, what's happening?"

"I have to go get Sammy and we have to go to the hospital. Now." Dean snapped. Cas noticed that his arms were shaking but he kept it to himself. "So tell me if I should drop you off or not."

"If you need to get there now, please don't drop me off. I'll go with you." Castiel whimpered.

Dean sighed as he drove- realizing that he was being a total jerk, "I'm sorry Cas."

"Dean." Cas started, "Give me your hand." Dean conceded and gave Castiel his right hand as he drove. Cas interlocked their fingers, squeezing Dean's hand tightly. "You were there for me when I needed someone, it's only fair that I do the same." Cas vowed. He watched as Dean's eyes misted over.

"Thanks Cas." he choked. Driving ten above the speed limit at all times.

As he drove up the drive way he saw a distressed Sam waiting on the porch with Jo. As soon as he saw Dean, he sprinted for the Impalla jumping inside and slamming the door. "Are we dropping Cas off?" Sam questioned.

"No." Dean replied, backing the car up without even looking. Cas refused to let go of Dean's hand as they sped to the hospital, he was keeping Dean from shaking. Dean parked and the three of them nearly ran into the hospital. Panic and desperation was painted all over Sam's face. Dean was holding it together slightly better but not by much. When they arrived at the front desk Dean jumped at the nurse, "Mary Winchester. Were her sons, Sam and Dean Winchester. Where is she?"

The nurse blinked looking at Castiel, "And the third person?"

"Cousin." Dean lied sharply. The nurse looked skeptical but if she had a problem she didn't say anything.

"Follow me." the nurse replied. She gestured for the boys to follow her as she pushed back through two double doors. The nurse led them back, around four turns and then led them to an observation room. It was a long room, though it was only maybe eleven feet wide. There were two rows of chairs, that looked- frankly- utterly uncomfortable. There was a large glass window that looked down on the surgery room.

"Your mother is in surgery, someone will come and give you updates when they can. For now just wait here. A nurse has called your uncle Bobby on your mother's request before she went into surgery. He said that he was alreay on his way here from South Dakota. He'd be in, in a few hours tops."

Dean flopped down in one of the seats in the back row- he didn't really want to see the surgery and Sam started walking up and down the rows. Castiel sat down next to a distressed Dean, taking his hand again. Sam sighed, "We can't lose her. We can't."

Dean squeezed Castiel's hand, resting his head on his arm which was sitting on his knees. Both Sam and Castiel knew Dean was barely keeping it together, though he seemed to be doing a decent job at keeping himself under control, "I know Sammy. She's gonna be okay, she has to be." Cas reached over, rubbing Dean's back with his free hand.

"But what if she isn't." Sam replied softly.

Dean looked up quickly staring at his brother, "She will be." he snapped. Castiel jumped a little bit when Dean snapped.

"Dean I can't just sit here." Sam said, almost running up and down the room. Dean didn't say anything, "I'm gonna take a walk, or a jog, not sure which one yet." Sam fretted.

"Okay." Dean weakly replied, even though Sam was already half way out the door.

"Dean, it's gonna be okay..." Cas reassured as they sat alone in the observation room.

Dean sighed- his mask breaking down into a teary eyed expression, "She needs to be okay, I can't lose her. I've already lost my dad and I can't lose her."

"Dean, it's going to be okay." Cas repeated.

Dean looked up slowly, staring at Castiel's deep blue eye's. "How can you be so sure? How do you know?"

Castiel let go of Dean's hand, scooping Dean's face into his hands. "Because, no matter what happens you'll be okay. Life is about adapting to whatever fate throws at you and if I can manage then you can manage. Even if you're a wreck for a while. Everyone is allowed to be a wreck sometimes. Life's not about the destination, it's about the journey." Cas answered with a soft, reassuring, confidence.

"Yeah, well, fate's a bitch." Dean retorted. Castiel reached forward, pulling Dean into a sympathetic hug. Wrapping his arms around Dean's head, Dean clutched onto Cas- he was hanging on for dear life. Broken and disheveled, it was as if everything that he loved was being taken from him. One thing at a time- Dean wanted nothing to do with it. He held on as if Castiel was his last life line left, "Cas- I can't keep doing this..." Dean whimpered.

Any sense of confidence that Dean had just flowed out of him. Every wall that he had was gone, every shred of happiness evaporated like droplets of water tossed into a frying pan. His misery was both beautiful and heartbreaking, "I can't- I just-" Dean drew in a shaky breath, "Every time that I think I'm gonna be okay, every time that I get to some sense of normalcy some thing happens. And I try to hold it together with some shitty glue and tape but I can't fix the damn cracks. I can't just make it all better. Then everything just falls apart in my lap..."

"Shh." Castiel replied softly, knowing the feeling that his friend was describing, "Dean, it's okay- I'm here."

"I know Cas." Dean replied shaky, "It's just so hard, I- when I lost my dad, I became the man of the family. When I lost him- I took on all of this responsibility for Sammy... And now..." Dean stopped to breathe, pulling away from Castiel's hug and turning his head away. He didn't think that he had the courage to look at Cas, "Now, if I lose mom..."

Cas grabbed Dean's shoulder's gently. "Dean. You need to calm down."

"If I lose mom..." Dean echoed, the levee breaking, tears falling from his eyes. "I don't know what I'll do... I don't know how I'll muddle through... I can't be the person that I need to be, I can't do it- and dad would be so disappointed that I can't do that- I might be eighteen but- but- I can't be the sole adult in Sammy's life... I'm no fucking role model, I can't provide for him- but I want to... I want the best for him... and... and-"

Castiel took Dean's face in his hands, trying to keep him calm. "Dean you need to calm down..." he whispered, leaning forward and putting their foreheads together. "You don't have to do this alone."

"Cas..." Dean replied, barely audible staring into his friends deep blue eyes. There was a softness in his eyes, that Dean had never seen before. An empathy, that reminded him of when his father had passed away. It was then that Dean remembered that Castiel had lost his mother. In some ways, Castiel must know what he was going through. As far as Dean knew, both of Castiel's parents were missing- his mother dead and his father just absent from his life.

"Yes?" Cas said softly, leaning in slightly his eyes expectant yet sympathetic.

Dean drew another breath, "I'm sorry..."

"For what?" Cas asked.

"For complaining about this when... when you don't have either of your parents." Dean whimpered.

"Dean, I lost my parents a long time ago. I've had time to mourn them and I've had time to move on and adjust. It was hard then and sometimes I'm still sad now and again, but I'm okay." Cas assured, "No one was there to help me and my siblings. It was hard. But it gets better..."

"Will you- be there to help me?"

"For as long as I can." Castiel replied softly, their noses touching.

"Dean? Dean Winchester?" a voice called. Castiel jumped back turning red and letting go of Dean- averting his face so the nurse couldn't look at him. Dean rose to his feet quickly.

"That's me." Dean replied, trying to sound less distressed and wiping his eyes.

"Your mother is out of surgery but she's still in intensive care. She has sustained several injuries including blunt force trauma that cause severe internal bleeding and a collapsed lung- along with whiplash and several burises. It's also very likely that she has a mild concussion." the male nurse said softly. "We've done all we can at the moment, while she is better off I wouldn't say she's out of the woods just yet."

"What are her chances?" Dean asked softly.

"It's hard to tell with cases like this. We'll be keeping her here a few days at least potentially more, she will have to be monitored very closely. She's resting right now. You'd probably be best to go home and get a good nights sleep, though family members are allowed to stay the night in ICU if you'd like."

"I'll go find my brother and we'll figure it out." Dean replied. Standing up, Castiel following closely behind. The two walked in silence, though Cas kept holding onto Dean's hand. They found Sam just outside the hospital. Sam was sitting stoically, watching the cars pass by. Tears in his eyes as he watched each car pass. "Sam."

Sam turned, jumping up to get to his brother, "Dean. How's mom?"

Dean sighed, "She's not great Sam, not great. They say that we can stay in the ICU or we can go home and come back first thing in the morning."

"One of us should go home." Sam replied, "One of us should be home to watch over the house- I don't know when Bobby will get there so just in case. Though I don't think he'll get here till way later and one of us should stay here with mom."

"Alright. You stay here with mom, I'll go home." Dean decided.

"Are you sure?" Sam asked.

"Yes." Dean finalized. "It's what you want right?"

Sam nodded, "I just want to make sure you're okay with it."

"Yeah. I mean I want to stay with mom but I know that you do too. So... I'll go take care of the house and make sure everything is okay." Dean sacrificed. Sam stepped forward clutching onto his brother. "Be careful Sammy. If mom wakes up, tell her I love her."

"I will." Sam replied as they broke their hug.

Dean and Cas headed to the car, while they were both high strung they had to admit that the cool evening air felt good. Everything was finally sinking in- his mother was in critical condition, she could die but she could also live. Everything was up in the air at the moment and that made it hard to know how to feel. On one hand, Dean could feel relieved that his mother had survived the crash, but on the other, he could feel stressed that she wasn't okay.

Dean had one hand shoved into his pocket while the other clutched his life line. The breeze was a gentle one, though the air was a little nippy. It was typical of late August, still it kind of made Dean long for the hot summer nights of June and July. Dean climbed into the driver side but hesitated on starting the car. He stared at his hand, laying on top of the keys. Once Castiel had slid in the passenger side, he gave Dean a gentle but questioning look.

The older Winchester didn't respond right away, words were stuck in his throat. He gazed outside his car window to see the long, elegant shadows playing with one another as each car passed. Suddenly his adventure with Castiel on the swings seemed like it happened years ago. Dean took a breath, "Am I taking you home?" he asked still staring out the window. He felt a hand tap his shoulder and he turned to meet his friend's concerned gaze.

"Do you want to be alone?" Castiel questioned softly.

A new round of tears threatened to escape Dean's eyes, he forced them back down. "No."

"Then I guess I'm not going home." Cas replied simply. Dean turned the keys in the ignition, backing out of his parking space. Simplicity. This must have been how Cas felt when Dean refused to leave him alone. Cas pulled out his phone to send a text to Gabriel to let him know that he wouldn't be coming home because his friends mom was in an accident.

Dean drove in silence, as he drove he started to pull himself back together. The older Winchester had a nasty habit of putting a lid on things for far longer then he should. Delaying his emotional reaction made it easier for him to keep going. He needed to be strong for Sammy, that's why he didn't cry in front of his brother. He couldn't do that to his brother, Sam needed someone to look up to. While some of his feelings had crept out earlier with Cas, it wasn't everything. There was still a lot burried.

Now that his mind had time to rest and not act on impulse, he could feel himself shoving his feelings into a box. He could feel himself, close up back into his shell. It was typical for him to hide behind his smart ass facade. For once Dean didn't want to close up, he wanted to be able to feel whatever it was that he wanted to feel but his reflexes were taking over. He wanted to just feel empty, he wanted to let himself feel empty, and dead, and alone. He could feel himself struggling to keep the door in his mind open, when just on the other side of that door was a monster ten times bigger then him. Dean knew this was a losing battle he knew he would close up and retreat to his island.

He clicked on the radio, to break up the silence. Hoping that the station would have something at least decent on. Though it usually didn't, he figured that he had nothing to lose. Dean turned up the music until it was just a soft back ground noise.

_...Back beat, the word was on the street  
That the fire in your heart is out  
I'm sure you've heard it all before  
But you never really had a doubt  
I don't believe that anybody  
Feels the way I do about you now..._

Dean was surprised when he heard a gentle voice singing along. He glanced over to his passenger to see his companion singing the lyrics softly. Castiel's voice was like hope. In the dead of night it was the one candle still burning, in the black of the cave it was the ray of light shining through the cracks.

_...And all the roads we have to walk are winding  
And all the lights that lead us there are blinding  
There are many things that I  
Would like to say to you but I don't know how..._

In a way it all felt strangely poetic. Like someone had put that song on the radio just for Dean. The elder Winchester listened as his muse sang softly in the seat next to him. Again he wondered why Castiel stopped singing, his voice was just gorgeous.

The song somehow just seemed like it was perfect for the way that he felt. This exact moment in time, it was being portrayed perfectly by the boy in the seat next to him. The way that Cas handled each note, the rise and the fall, the interpretation of each lyric. Dean felt like it was etching itself on his very essence, his very soul.

_...I said maybe, you're gonna be the one that saves me_

_And after all, you're my wonderwall..._

"_Alright that was Oasis with their hit song..."_

"I'm sorry." Castiel put in out of nowhere.

Dean glanced over, "For what?"

"You were looking at me, funny..." Cas worried, "I figured that my singing was bothering you." Cas didn't want to make anything that was going on in Dean's head worse. He wanted to be there for Dean and so he thought that maybe his singing was bothering his good friend.

"Nah. You have a really nice voice." Dean replied. "In fact... I actually found it kind of soothing. I mean I'm over here being really distressed. Then I feel like all of my feelings are getting shoved into the bottom of the barrel and then out of nowhere there's just- you. Your voice."

"Should I... keep singing then?" Castiel asked.

"If you know the song. Yeah." Dean encouraged. Looking to his friend, "I honestly think that I'd like that."

"Okay..."

_...Stranger than your sympathy  
And this is my apology  
I've been killing myself from the inside out  
And all my fears have pushed you out..._

Dean pushed open the door to his house. The air was dead, somehow the homely atmosphere had completely evaporated. That thought alone made Dean want to curl into a little ball and die, he let Cas follow him inside- locking the door behind them.

Cas examined the foyer/family room area, "You have a nice home." he observed. "Should I take my shoes off?"

Dean shrugged, kicking his shoes off at the door. "I dunno if you want to. We don't usually care either way."

Castiel nodded, deciding that he should follow Dean's example. He dropped his shoes next to Dean's and followed Dean as he headed upstairs. "So this is my room..." he said stripping off his jacket and reaching for his other clothes. Castiel turned away, stripping off his coat. "Here." Dean said tossing Cas a pair of sweatpants and a T-shirt. "I'm assuming your the modest type when it comes to sleeping. Last time we didn't really care much."

"Thanks." Cas replied softly- changing as fast as possible. He turned to be faced with Dean in some black pajama bottoms. Chest exposed, his necklace still on. Dean sat down on his bed- silent. Cas followed suit sitting down next to his distressed friend. "I-... I owe you an explanation."

Dean glanced at his companion, "An explanation for what?"

"Everything..." Cas said softly. "I've been lying to you since the day that I met you."

"Well that's great to know, real confidence booster on an already crappy night. And you're telling me this now because...?" he asked softly, already broken up.

"It's my fault."

Dean was befuddled by his companion's astounding vague responses. He looked over at Cas, who hand his arms resting on his knee's, head cast down. Shadows covering his face and preventing Dean from reading his expression, he had his famous poker face back on. "How is any of this your fault Cas?" Dean wondered a loud.

"Remember how I said that my family life was complicated?" Cas began softly. Dean nodded though he wasn't sure how that had anything to do with it. "My brother, Lucifer, he's..."

Dean paused realizing that this was gonna be a long story. He stood up and left the room, leaving Cas to gather his thoughts. Castiel shifted, he didn't know how he was going to explain everything- he knew that he shouldn't. But he also knew that he couldn't lie about it any longer- he knew that he owed Dean that explanation. Especially if Lucifer was doing this to punish him. Dean returned after a few minutes holding up a cup of coffee. "Here. I have a sense that this is gonna be a long talk."

"Thank you..." Cas replied, taking a swig of the coffee. His face still downcast, emotionless, hidden. The mask that Cas had before had returned, Dean watched as his features wrinkled in distress and thought.

"So your brother Lucifer." Dean suggested, attempting to get Castiel back on track since he seemed to be having trouble.

"Yes. My brother Lucifer, he- he has control over more in life then most people think. He runs the white underbelly of society. He has people who work for him everywhere, he controls more then anyone will ever know." Castiel replied. "He, basically- he's a type of mob boss-"

"Who the hell starts a mob in Lawrence, Kansas?" Dean remarked, sarcasm evident.

"I don't know." Cas answered. "I suppose this is where he grew up, so he started it here. However, he has people from cities nation wide. He has control in several different cities and towns, across the country."

"So what... your brother's a mob boss? What the hell does that have to do with anything?" Dean questioned, taking another swig of his coffee.

Cas closed his eyes taking a breath, "Your father went to work for him."

"What?" Dean replied, a sharp edge to his voice. "What do you mean he went to work for him? What are you talking about Cas you're not making any sense. My dad, he- he wouldn't do something like that..."

"He didn't do it for just any reason. Dean." Cas replied. His blue eyes glistening even in the crappy lighting. "He did it for your brother. He did it for Sam."

"Son of a bitch." he fumed.

"He did it so that Sam could go to college. He did it for your brother." Castiel went on. "He did so your little brother could have the life that he wanted. He did it so you didn't have to take on all the responsibili-"

"_**LIKE HELL HE DID.**_" Dean shouted, rising to his feet. Dean looked away, stalking around the room trying to absorb the information that he had just heard. "My dad was a _**coward**__. _My dad was an _**obsessed bastard**_- it was _**always**_all about_**him**__. _About what_**he **_wanted out of life. It was about him, _**he couldn't deal with things so he shoved it on me**__._ It was never about us, he was never thinking about his family. He was always just looking out for himself,_** Always.**_"

"I'm sorry." Cas offered, not knowing what to say to ease his companion's pain.

Dean circled the room, anger radiating off him like a nuclear war head. He stopped facing the wall, his hands on his head. "How do you know?"

"You won't like it." Cas returned.

Dean whipped around, shouting, "_**I said how do you know?!**_"

Cas shrunk a little, "Dean you're scaring me..."

The elder Winchester stopped, realizing that he shouldn't be screaming at Castiel. "I'm sorry..." he faltered. "I just- how- how do you know that my dad did this?"

"Your brother, then my brother." Castiel answered, his head dropping.

"So what Sam was saying... about a Lucifer- those friggan' crazy rantings- those visions- all that bull shit- they were all true?" Dean asked.

"Yes." Castiel responded. "My brother, has taken an interest in your brother. He thinks that he could be of use. But he wants to keep Sam quiet until he can use him so he's been drugging him."

"What Lucifer wants, Lucifer gets- when he takes an interest he does everything he can to make sure that he can use that person. Does everything he can to make sure that person stays safe, but he also starts to cut that person off from everyone. He starts to eliminate the people that person cares about, then once they lose everything- he swoops in. He gives them something to care about, gives them a purpose... I think he's doing this to your brother."

"So he killed dad to make Sam vulnerable?" Dean mused, leaning up on the wall.

"Yes." Cas continued, "I think that he tried to kill your mother tonight by getting someone to crash into her car. Either that or- it's a warning to Sam."

"What do you mean a warning? What the hell does that even mean?"

Cas ran his hand through his hair, finishing his coffee. "Lucifer threatened Sam when your father died. He told him to keep his father's death a secret, that if he said anything he would kill you and your mother. Sam told me, when we were in the hospital-"

"And you waited to tell me till now?" Dean interrupted. "How could you do that Cas? Why didn't you just come out and tell me when you found-"

Cas jumped to his feet, throwing his arms out to the sides in desperation, "Because _**I thought you would hate me**_. Because _**I was afraid**_. Because if I told you, _**he would kill me**__. _You want to know why I was so distressed that day? He came to my house _**threatened to kill my cousin, my brother, and you**_. He threatened to _**take away everything**_that I have _**left**_and then kill me. Because that's what he _**does**_. That's who he _**is**_. He's dangerous and psychotic. He wants my dad and my brother's head on a stick, he wants my father's company to crash and burn."

Tears started flowing out of Castiel's eyes, "He wants to make my life _**hell**_. You know why? _**Because I was born. **_I shouldn't be here. I should be _**dead. **_So go ahead, tell me how I'm _**selfish,**_tell me to _**get out**_. You wouldn't be the first person to reject me. I'm sure you won't be the last. Like I said, _**I'm bad luck, I'm bad news**_."

"Cas..."

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry that I lied to you."Castiel crumpled to the ground, clutching his shoulders and shaking. "This is _**my fault**_. If I had just told you, then you could have protected Mary. Part of me thinks that this was also a punishment for me... To remind me that _**no matter where I go, no matter what I do, no matter who I love. I am always putting other people in danger and he will always be there that fallen angel on my shoulder.**_"

"Cas." Dean repeated, stooping down in front of his companion.

"Now she's in the hospital and its-"

"Cas!"

Dean reached forward scooping up Castiel's face in his hands- and in on fell swoop kissed Cas.

The kiss was soft, just the way Dean had always pictured it would be. Castiel hummed softly a moment not sure of what to do, his panic attack being put on hold. It was as if Castiel had been driving a car at ninety miles an hour and Dean had reached over to slam on the breaks. Dean felt tear drops roll down Castiel's face, and brushed them away with his thumbs.

He felt Cas exhale a little, the tension in his body suddenly dropping off the face of the earth. The moment was only a few seconds but if felt like hours. As if time had paused just for them, in the moment nothing else mattered. The only thing that Dean could think was that Cas tasted like coffee and his lips felt like silk.

The only thing Castiel could think about was that Dean was holding him, after all he had just said. Dean was holding onto him, kissing him with a soft chocolaty-coffee taste. The exterior of both boys melting away everything on hold- just for a moment. Just one break from everything as if they had stepped out of their bodies and minds to just exist as someone else.

"I don't hate you Cas." Dean finished softly.

Castiel blinked a few moments staring at those emeralds. "I can see that..." he whispered softly.

Dean rose to his feet grabbing a T-shirt and throwing it on. He headed out of the room suddenly, Castiel followed confused. "Is it normal to up and leave after kissing someone?"

Dean threw his shoes on not bothering to tie the laces or put socks on, he reached over grabbing his keys, "I just had a thought."

"What?" Cas asked grabbing his shoes and pulling on his coat.

"Toss me my keys." Dean replied, explaining nothing. Castiel ran across the room and grabbed them throwing them to Dean who unlocked the door gesturing for Cas to follow quickly behind. "If your brother is after Sammy." he began as he locked the door.

"And Sam is at the hospital with your mom who's unconscious..." Cas continued as they both climbed into the Impalla, Dean immediately shoving the keys in the ignition. A look of dread and panic of his face.

"Then he could very easily take Sam from the hospital." Dean concluded backing out of the driveway and almost hitting another car who was coming down the street. They honked loudly, "Yeah, yeah, up yours too buddy!" Dean yelled to the rear view mirror. The car however, followed behind. "Dammit." Dean mumbled.

"Why are they pursuing us?" Castiel asked glancing back at the rusty car that was following closely behind.

"Hell if I know, maybe we just pissed them off. Maybe they're trying to get out plates. I don't have time for this!" Dean replied speeding up even though he was already ten above the speed limit. A soft ringing in the backseat disrupting their thoughts. "Cas can you grab my phone? It's in the back seat somewhere."

Cas climbed over the seat reaching around until he grabbed the source of the noise. Cas handed it over quickly. Dean flipped the phone open, "Hello?"

"The hell are you idjits doing?" a surly voice hissed over the phone.

"Bobby?" Dean breathed.

"Yes it's me, now explain to me why you almost hit me backing out of your driveway and now were having a race down the suburbs." Bobby scolded.

"I think Sam and mom might be in trouble." Dean answered, closing the phone and chucking it into the backseat. "He's gonna kill me for that." Dean muttered.

"Then why did you do it?" Cas responded.

Dean shrugged, "Because you're not supposed to talk on a cell phone and drive." he replied with his usual sarcasm.

"You speed and you shouldn't do that."

Dean rolled his eyes, as he turned into the hospital parking lot. "Sarcasm Cas. Sarcasm." Dean didn't wait for Bobby to park, he and Cas both sprinted into the hospital. Dean jumped on the nurse at the front desk (again), "Did my brother leave?" he said out of breath.

"Yes... he left with an older gentleman about an hour ago."

* * *

_Another adrenaline pumping scene. Woo hoo. Alright so there are two songs in this chapter, 'Wonderwall' by Oasis and 'Sympathy' by the Goo Goo Dolls. Just to give you guys a heads up. As always, youtube it sometime._

_The good news is that we got the kiss finally. I kept hinting and hinting now we finally had it happen. Yay. Coffee kisses.  
_

_So another, oh shit moment. Just when you think you might get a break in the middle, Cas decides to come clean. Were gearing up for the final push to the story. Pretty much gonna be go, go, go for the rest of the story until the closing remarks. _

_I am planning on following up Worker Bee with another story that takes place three years later. I can't give away much more then that because that would give away the ending to Worker Bee. I'm already working on an outline though, so look forward to it. It's gonna be good and it's gonna be probably about twenty percent darker then this one. Because I'm cool like that.  
_

_Reviews are so appreciated! I mean seriously I love you guys so much for always giving me feedback and watching the story. Or putting it into your favorites, it seriously makes my day.  
_

_Thanks! See you guys next chapter.  
_


	17. Ch 17 Blood

Ch. 17 Blood

"Dammit!" Dean shouted kicking a garbage can outside of the hospital. He began pacing back and forth underneath the street light, his shadow following back and forth.

"There's nothing you could have done, boy." Bobby replied having been filled in on the whole situation. "You didn't know until it was to late and Cas, it's ain't your fault neither. You had to fight back years of traumatic experience just to tell Dean. So don't you start whining about it being your fault."

Castiel shut his mouth. Having nothing to say, since he couldn't blame himself- it had taken the boys about twenty minutes to fill Bobby in and now that he was up to speed they had to see what they were gonna do next. They needed some kind of plan to get Sam back. Dean paced in circles underneath the street lamps halo of light. Cas sat on a nearby cement bench and Bobby stood still. "We gotta go save Sam. We gotta find that warehouse and we gotta save him before they do something to him."

"Easy there, kid you're gonna get yourself killed thinking like that." Bobby replied, "What we gotta do is figure out who were dealing with, what do they want with Sam, what their plan is, where they even are, how many people were dealing with-"

"Lucifer has countless footmen." Castiel interrupted. "It's not likely that we'll know exactly how many or who it is we would be dealing with. Not all the soldiers are present at all times, lots of them go on missions. It's impossible for us to really draw assumptions."

"Thanks chuckle head." Bobby sighed.

"Yeah really, thanks Debby downer." Dean replied. Cas looked down, playing with his hands. Dean sighed, stopping his pacing, "Come on Bobby, we gotta do something."

"What we gotta do, is figure out what'shappening. We can't stop it unless we know what it is. Going all kamikaze won't fix anything." Bobby replied smacking Dean upside the head.

"Ow." Dean whined.

"I don't know how we can get information." Castiel whispered softly. "At least right now, its late there's nothing we can do now. Dean grunted, frustrated and impatient.

Bobby sighed, "You're right, it's three in the morning. We can't do anything tonight."

Castiel rolled over in his bed, it was eight in the morning. He felt like he needed more sleep but he doubted that he was gonna get any. In fact, Cas didn't really sleep as it was. He was worried about Mary, about Dean, about Sam, everything seemed to be coming to a head. It was the final stretch and they could see the end in sight, though it was foggy.

Cas fixed his eyes on the ceiling, drawing shapes mentally on the drywall. Even though he was exhausted, even though every limb that he had screamed at him- he felt like his eyes were open for the first time. Like everything was starting to come together, to make some kind of sense.

The weary angel sighed, inhaling the scent of Dean on his clothes. Cas imagined Dean beside him, like he was a few weeks ago. He closed his eyes, trying to remember the sense of another persons body heat radiating. Trying to feel Dean's presence next to him, it would have made everything so simple. He tried to imagine a world where everything was okay, a world where Dean was next to him- he wasn't worried about his mother or Sam. A world where the two of them could coexist and nothing was so emotionally tasking. Cas let his imagination take him to a dream world.

"_Get up Cas." a husky voice said, shaking his shoulder lightly. Its way too early for this so I roll over and pull the pillow over my head. I don't want to get up and I don't feel like protesting out loud about waking up. The voice huffs, prodding me in the sides, "Come on Cas, get your ass out of bed. You gotta see this." _

"_Fine." I groan, rising out of my warm bed, reluctantly. A shirtless Dean stands up drawing back the curtains for me. I stand and follow him gazing out the window. _

_Pinks and purples flood my eye sight, as the sun shines through windows in the trees. The light pours out in different shapes, I look at the ground and watch the rays dance. They seem almost alive, the way that they seem to be moving much faster then normal. A family of birds passes by my window. The mother is flying freely, all of her babies following behind her obediently._

_I feel an arm wrap around my waist, letting the hand rest on my hips. I lean my head over on my companion and my captors shoulder obediently. A small smile plays at the corner of my lips. I watch as a bright orange orb rises above the trees, "Beautiful isn't it?" Dean asks._

"_Yes." I say softly, I look below to see the grass glistening with dew. I wonder if you looked close enough would you see tiny rainbows in each dew drop. The thought makes my smile broaden, I almost feel tempted to run outside and look. Or maybe I just want Dean to follow me outside so we can watch nature together._

_Families of animals seem to waking up everywhere, down in the corner of my window I see a family of rabbits climbing out of their hole. The mother is leading the babies out one by one, they hop over to our garden and steal some lettuce. Were happy to share with the locals so I don't worry about it._

_I lift my head up gazing at my gorgeous companion. He has a faint smile on his lips, as he observes the scene. Dean must be happy, family is everything to him and here he is watching these families of animals crawl out of their holes. Preparing themselves for the busy day- he glances down and sees my eyes staring at him. Dean shifts so my head lifts off his shoulder, he extends his free hand touching my cheek._

_His fingers are warm, gentle, even protective- he pulls me in and kisses me. His lips minty, he must have already brushed his teeth. I suddenly feel guilty for my potential morning breath. Dean doesn't seem to mind and he deepens the kiss. I gladly accept, matching his intensity. He draws back, leaving me want a little more, "Good morning to you too." he jokes. He crosses the room and pulls a shirt on. _

"_Come on." Dean says softly, taking my hand and leading me out of my room. I feel reluctant to leave my window because watching the morning was like watching a painting move. It felt like a miracle in itself. Still I concede to my friend following him as he steers me. Leading me as if he were leading me through the thick of a crowd. We head down the stairs and walk towards the kitchen. _

_The room smells like breakfast. I inhale deeply letting the smells tickle my nose- I can smell bacon, eggs, and pancakes, I think their chocolate chip but I really won't know till I see them. We walk into the room and I let my eyes pan to observe the scene. Sam and Balthazar are setting the table. Or rather the tables, it seems that our two families won't fit at just one. _

_Dad's in on the couch, he's reading the paper. His posture is lax, he doesn't seem to be bothered by anything- every once and a while he reaches for his coffee and takes a sip. Just like every once and a while he'll adjust his glasses, or smile, or frown. I guess it depends what he's reading. _

_Michael is in the kitchen with mom and Mary. He's cooking bacon and eggs on the main stove. Every so often he burns himself and then he swears under his breath. Then Mary swats him with a wooden spoon. Mary seems to be making some juice with fresh oranges, she smiles when she sees us. Both she and my mom have on cute aprons, with floral prints on them. "Good morning." she calls over her shoulder._

_My mom, god she's beautiful, is cooking the pancakes on a huge skillet that we have that plugs into the wall. Gabe keeps showing up and trying to sneak chocolate chips, she smacks his hand and tells him to knock it off. Then he gives her a big goofy smile and she smiles back happily, though she still doesn't let him steal the chips._

"_They're for the pancakes Gabriel." She informed, in that level motherly tone. _

_He'd give her a pretend hurt look, "I am hurt that you think I'd try to steal from you."_

"_I just saw you." she replied and then they both started laughing a little. Gabe didn't stop hovering, he was kind of like a puppy waiting for scraps. _

_Sam passes by carrying plates, he seems to be having a tough time balancing them since there are quite a few. Balthazar is busy setting out place mats and napkins. "Dean can you give me a hand with these?" Sam asks, nearly dropping the top two plates. _

_Dean gives a heavy sigh, a look of protest in his eyes. He lifts up our hands which are interlocked and his kisses my hand on the knuckles, flashing his Romeo smile. "I'll be right back." he coos, walking over taking the plates from Sam. Sam immediately starts busying himself with grabbing silverware._

_I just watch everyone going about their business, a warm feeling forms in the pit of my stomach. I'm so happy I almost feel like crying, I don't really no why but everything just seems so perfect. Mom notices that I'm standing in the doorway, "Cas, can you go wake up your brother? He's the only one who isn't awake."_

_I nod heading upstairs, knocking on Lucifer's door. He opens it, rubbing his eyes. "Morning squirt." he says, reaching up and messing up my hair. "I'll be down in a minute, so if anyone asks just tell them I'm on my way." he says yawning while simultaneously stretching his arms. _

"_Okay." I reply going back down to the kitchen, Anna passes by me with a handful of flowers. She must have been outside picking them, she grabs a vase from under one of the kitchen sinks. Anna fills it and puts the flowers inside, then she places it in the center of the table. She takes a step back and observes her handiwork._

_Mom glances at me, "Cas where's Lucifer?" _

"_He's coming." I reply, my urge to cry growing. Bobby comes in from outside, he looks like he's been doing some kind of yard work. He sits in a seat, taking his hat off reluctantly at my mom's request. Balthazar, Gabe, Sam, and Dean are all seated at this point. Michael has just finished cooking the bacon, which he brings over to the table. Dean stares at it hungrily and Sam smacks him upside the head. _

"_Bitch." he whines._

"_Jerk." Sam replies. Mary brings over her juice and puts it on the table, she sits down and scolds her boys for hitting each other. Lucifer passes me, finding his seat. Mom gives his a motherly look of disapproval for being late but he just smiles. Her looks the fades away._

"_Emmanuel. Come eat." she calls. He puts down the paper and comes into the room, Anna sits down. Eventually everyone is seated but me, they all turn to look at me- smiles on their faces while the morning sun shines in the windows. Everything seems to glow- everyone is so happy- everything is so normal._

_Tears roll down my cheeks. _

"_What's wrong?" my mom asks, walking towards me._

"_I'm just happy." I reply weakly. _

"_Are you sure?" she asks, wrapping her arms around me. Her arms feel familiar but I can't quite put my finger on it, I hug her back. I hold on tightly. _

"_Yeah..." I say weakly. "Mom, I love you."_

Castiel opens his eyes, finding that he's clutching his trench coat. There are gentle tears on his cheeks and in the corner's of his eyes. He wipes them away, sitting up. "Of course it was a dream." he says weakly. Cas rose to his feet, the guilty feeling for everything that happened returning to his gut. Even though he knew that nothing was going to change even if he did feel guilty about what happened.

Still he had to find a way to change it. He just wasn't sure if he was going to get any answers, but he had to try right? He shot off a text knowing that it was probably the dumbest thing that he would ever do. Cas changed his clothes into something presentable before heading downstairs.

His brother smiled, as he flipped one of the chocolate chip pancakes over in the pan. "Good morning baby bro. Though I'm a bit surprised to see you, I thought you said you weren't coming home last night."

"Things got a little hectic, I though it would be best." Castiel responded watching his brother flip over another pancake. Chocolate chip pancakes were Gabriel's favorite, he made them ever once and a while. Usually it was when he had free time or a weekend off.

"So what's on the agenda for today?" Gabriel asked as he plopped a pancake down onto Castiel's plate.

"I have a meeting today. After breakfast do you think you could drop me off at the old mall?" Castiel asked taking a bite of the pancake.

His brother shrugged not giving a definitive answer. "What kind of meeting is this?"

Castiel wasn't sure who would give him a harder time about this meeting, Dean or Gabriel. This morning he had shot off a text message to his brother Lucifer, saying that he wanted to meet up to talk. Lucifer replied that they should meet at the old abandoned mall, at noon and Cas agreed. Now he had to find a way to get there. "I'm just meeting-"

"Bull." Gabe interrupted. "Whatever stupid martyr vendetta you have its not gonna happen. It's my job to take care of you, means I'm not gonna let you do something that will get you hurt. Going to that mall period is asking for trouble, so tell me who are you meeting and why?"

Castiel looked down at his plate. His features hardened, he couldn't tell his brother the truth because he knew that Gabe wouldn't let him go. He needed this though, he needed to talk to Lucifer so that he could find out what he was doing with Sam. "I can't tell you." Cas replied lamely. "If I did you would stop me."

"You know, baby bro, if I'm gonna stop you from doing it, that's usually a sign that you shouldn't be doing it." Gabriel reasoned.

"I'm not doing it because I want to, I'm doing it because... I have to. I have to do something." Castiel argued. "I have to help."

"Why? Is this really vague thing really any of your business?" Balthazar asked butting into the conversation. "I mean what makes it your problem that you have to stick your neck out so far?"

"Because he's my problem." Castiel responded softly.

"Who's your problem?" Gabriel questioned as he finished cooking the last pancake and sat down to eat with his makeshift family.

"Dean." Cas answered.

"Oh, is that the brash fellow that was in bed with you a couple of weeks ago? I really didn't much care for his attitude. He was kind of rude." Balthazar remembered as he cleaned off his plate and put it in his dishwasher.

"Okay so you're meeting this Dean guy?" Gabe asked.

"Scandalous." Balthazar added.

"No." Cas stated quickly. "It's not like that."

"Then what is it?" Balthazar inquired, "I mean if it's not like that then what's this meeting about? What's going on here that's so big you can't tell us?"

"If I tell you, you'll stop me-" Cas repeated.

"Which is usually an indicator that you shouldn't be doing it." Gabe interrupted with a mouthful of pancake. Cas looked away from his company his eyes finding a spot of tile on the floor. He pretended that he was an ant scurrying across the tile, looking for food. Everything would be so much simpler if he was an ant.

"I'm going to see Lucifer." Castiel sighed, prepping himself for the 'are you stupid' and 'why would you do that' reactions.

"Are you daft?" Balthazar shouted. "He nearly killed you the last time you saw him and now you wanna go talk to the man?"

"I was right, you shouldn't be doing it." Gabe noted. Castiel rolled his eyes.

"He's taken Sam Winchester. Taken him. I have to know why. I have to stop him." Cas insisted. "I have to do this for Dean but I also have to do it for myself. It's time that I stood up to him."

"Standing up to Lucifer gets you beat. Cas." Gabe reminded.

"I don't think so." Cas replied, "The last time he was here, there was something different about him. He seemed almost impressed when I fought back-"

"Yeah and then he tied you to a bed and cut you with a knife like a psychopath." Balthazar recalled, "The answer is no!"

"I can't do nothing." Cas insisted, his blue eyes staring down his brother, unyielding.

"Were not going to be able to stop you are we?" Gabe asked, returning his brother's stare.

"No. I'm going to do this." he replied resolute in his convictions.

Gabe sighed, looking away he had to conceded knowing that he couldn't stop his brother. "Alright."

"No! No, no, no, no, did I mention? No!" Balthazar cried.

"With the conditions that we come with you. I won't take you otherwise." Gabe replied. "There's no way I'm letting you go in there alone. If your instant on doing this, then I'm gonna insist that we be your back up. I won't take not for an answer."

"As long as I can get the information that I need." Cas reasoned, ignoring his cousin ranting angrily in the background.

"Shake on it?" Gabe asked, extending his hand. Cas reached across the counter and took his hand giving it a firm shake. "Alright."

Balthazar sighed, "This is a terrible idea..."

The old mall had gone out of business years ago. No one had bothered tearing it down because it had been part of the town for such a long time. Now it was just a place that teenagers liked to go to drink and get high. Though during the day it was relatively quiet which made it ideal for a meeting that needed to be kept under the radar.

In a way, the place itself was a piece of history and a work of art. The whole place looked like a suburban wasteland, since mall was falling apart. Rich browns and greens colored the floor as rust was taking its hold on the tiles. Many of the once proud columns that reached for the ceiling had collapsed and water damage was taking apart what was left of the ceiling.

The windows had mostly been shattered, either by weather, kids, or time. The sky lights were the only thing keeping the place lit up at all hours of the day, so some areas were bright and others were incredibly shadowed. All the fountains had been drained and then refilled by rain water, causing the water to look green and infected. Graffiti and other teenage murals lined the walls.

In a way, being in the mall kind of made you feel like you were in a zombie movie or a post apocalyptic world where everyone had moved on. The whole place felt like death and despair, it was as if someone had reaped the life right out of the building. When the eager mall goers left, the place just fell apart- forgotten.

Gabriel drove the car around to the back of the mall, parking it out of sight so no cops would question what they were doing there. Though he guessed no one would notice, especially if them finding here also meant finding Lucifer there too. He had a knack for misleading the law and escaping the authorities eyes and attention.

"Well this place is just brimming with hope and possibilities." Balthazar commented as they walked towards the doors.

"No it isn't." Cas replied, fiddling with the lock on the door.

"Sarcasm Cas, it's sarcasm." Balthazar explained. "It's supposed to be humorous."

"Should I laugh?" he asked, still looking quite confused.

"Never mind." Balthazar sighed. Castiel shrugged, looking irritated with the lock. He took a few steps back and lifted his foot, kicking in the door. "You know that was kind of dangerous, you could get some kind of disease. This place is pretty nasty."

Castiel didn't seem to care as he walked into the mall, Gabriel and Balthazar followed behind. The three went to the food court with was a huge open room, with a large fountain inside. "God that is gross." Gabriel mumbled, looking at the water inside. The three of them found one of the tables that was still standing, Gabe sat down on the table. Cas and Balthazar sat down a bench that was next to the table.

"So what, are we just gonna wait here then?" Balthazar asked impatiently.

Cas nodded, "He said he would meet me here, in the food court. So I suppose we just wait here until he shows up."

"Alright." Gabe shrugged.

"You know Castiel of all the places you could suggest to meet, why did have to suggest a broken down place like this. I think I could get some kind of disease here." Lucifer jested from across the room. He stood tall, prideful, he had two companions one on each arm. "I see you brought friends, like I did. Well, introductions, introductions, this is Bela and this is my advisor Azazel. Don't let the eyes scare you, their prosthetics. He's blind."

Castiel rose to his feet, gesturing accordingly, "Gabe and Balthazar."

Lucifer smiled, "Though, I believe that Balthazar has already met Bela. So why don't you kids go play while mommy and daddy talk."

Gabriel rose to his feet, "And leave you alone with him? Not gonna happen."

"Oh come on Gabe. I'm not gonna kill him." Lucifer replied strolling forward.

"Lucifer, you're my brother and I love you, but you are one great big bag of dicks." Gabe replied. "What you're doing to Castiel, to me, to everyone is wrong. Everyone knows that dad loved you best, not me, not Anna, not Michael, then he brought the new baby home. When he brought Cas home something in you changed. And all of this, is one big temper tantrum."

"You're point?" Lucifer asked lazily.

"What your doing is stupid and unnecessary." Gabriel replied.

"That's all well and good little brother, but I'm here to talk to Cas not you. So, you can keep blabbing at me but your just wasting his time. Your choice." Gabriel hesitated but decided to stand down and trust his baby brother's judgment. He didn't like it but he didn't really have to. "Bela, Azazel keep an eye on them so they don't get testy while I'm chatting with my brother." Lucifer replied.

Bela stalked over to where Balthazar was, standing next to him, "We meet again." he began with a smile.

"So it seems." she replied.

"Not going to hold a gun to my head this time?" Balthazar quipped, giving her a small flirtatious smile.

Bela shifted on her feet, pausing to think. "Do I need to hold a gun to your head or will you hold still?"

"I'll hold still if it means I can keep talking with you." Balthazar smiled.

"Good god." Gabriel moaned. "You are shameless."

"So little brother, you wanted to talk to me." Lucifer began as the walked the stretch of the mall alone. "I assume you didn't just call me because you want my company so what do you want?"

"What have you done with Sam Winchester?" Cas replied.

"Ah, this is about the Winchester boys. You know I should call and kill their mom right now, I'm ashamed the guy I sent to do the job didn't follow through. He was supposed to crash his car and kill her. Then he ends up getting himself killed, well I guess it's hard to plan a car crash." Lucifer thought a loud. "I really should get someone to finish the job. People can be just so unreliable, it's such a pain."

"Leave Mary Winchester alone, in fact leave them all alone." Cas said dangerously.

"See, Castiel, here's the thing about bargaining for information and for people's lives. Really bargaining period. You have to have something that the other person wants. You have to have something to give, or at least you have to make me believe that you have something to give. They have to know that you're going to give up something because they know that they'll have to give up something too. Otherwise, you're just asking and in a situation like this- that won't get you to far." Lucifer replied as they walked up the broken down escalator.

"See, I really ought to just kill Mary out of principle, because you told Dean Winchester about me and you told their uncle to. Now that they know its going to trickle through the grape vine and that's gonna be a pain to deal with. I told you not to tell anyone and you did anyway. You disobeyed Castiel, disobedience has consequences."

"How- how did you-" Castiel stammered.

Lucifer smiled and clicked his tongue, "You haven't learned much Cas. It's a shame you don't learn faster. I have eyes and ears on the Winchester house, you should have figured that out. I mean after all the talking up you did about how I know everything and how I can get anyone anywhere at anytime. It's a shame you didn't listen to yourself when you were explaining it to Dean. Maybe it was the kiss that ruined it for you. You forgot about all the lessons I've taught you, you were so caught up in the moment of him kissing you."

Lucifer paused for dramatic effect, picking some grime off the escalator handle. Castiel frozen, dread and panic attacking his lungs. "You know I never pegged you for liking that type of guy. Then again I never pegged you for liking a guy or a girl period. You always seemed like the asexual type of guy. Maybe you'd get a cat in your old age or something."

His brother smiled, noticing that Cas hadn't moved. He stepped down the stairs laying his hands on Castiel's shoulders leaning down by his ear. "That's right little brother, I know your weakness. I know that the older Winchester, turns you on, tickles your fancy, floats your boat. That you think about him, when you're alone. When you think no one is listening or when you think no one is watching. Yet you should know by now that someone is always watching. You should know that I am always watching. So you should also know that I know you spent the night with him."

Castiel's breath hitched as Lucifer's whisper became lower. "I bet all you could think was undressing him, having sex, having him tell you that he loved you. I mean, it's always the quiet ones right? The ones that don't say anything, don't seem to like anyone, that have such a huge pent up sexual frustration. That turn into sluts." Lucifer ran his hand from Castiel's ear, down his neck, across the shoulder, gripping the fore arm. Cas shivered, goosebumps rising on his skin a hard lump forming in his throat.

"In that moment that you were fornicating, eloping, screwing what ever you want to call it. Whatever dirty and disgusting word comes to mind when you think about Dean Winchester. Because I'm sure that you do think about him. You're a seventeen year old virgin boy, I know that sex is on your mind." Lucifer cooed.

"In that moment, you would feel like a real person. You'd feel alive, and like you were worth while. Though we both know that you'll never be worth anything to anyone. You wanna know why you'll never be worth while? Because I will always be there, running your life from behind the curtains..."

"Stop it." Cas muttered.

"He'll never care about you the way you care about him. You must know that. He'll move on, figure having a crush on a guy is probably just an experimental phase for him. He's curious now but he'll get over it and he'll move on. Find bigger fish to fry." Lucifer took a breath and sighed as if he felt for Cas. His voice changing from a sexual and deviant one to a sympathetic one.

"The sad part is, is you know all of this- all of these doubts were already in your head. I'm not telling you anything you didn't already know because you know that I will never lie to you. You know what I'm saying is the truth. Yet here you are, risking everything for him. Everything that you have is on the line and he'll never pay you that respect. He's selfish by nature and he will never appreciate you the way he should."

"I said stop." Cas repeated, holding his voice level. He wanted to cry but he shoved the urges down and kept a tight lid on them.

"He may hate his dad but he's just like him and one day will come along when he's drunk- or maybe even sober. There'll be this girl and he'll think, 'why not' and you'll be nothing but a memory. He'll wait for weeks before he tells you and you- being the emotionally invested person that you are- will lose everything that you have. Then it'll end bad and it'll end bloody- you'll be alone. Only you'll never really be alone, because I'm always here." Lucifer finished, stepping back and walking in front of Cas.

"You want to know what I'm doing with Sam Winchester? I'm going to take him and I'm going to mold him into someone like me. So if someone tries to kill me, someone like you for example. They'll come along and they'll try to kill me and on the off chance they do, I'll have someone to carry on my work. We will overthrow dad's company and we will take its place. From then on, it's a secret, you'll just have to wait and see. So what did you hope to accomplish dear brother?" Lucifer questioned in his cheery voice, "I'm curious because you know where to find me. I guess you don't know how many guys are in the warehouse though. You don't know how many people I have in this town."

"I needed to know for sure." Cas replied weakly.

"I see, you needed to make sure that Sam was still alive right?" Lucifer said sitting on the railing, "Well, I wouldn't worry about it. He's safe and I'm going to mold him into something great. So unless you have something to bargain with, I'd suggest you give up."

"I guess I'll just have to pull a chip from thin air." Castiel uttered softly. Thoughtful.

Lucifer laughed, "Good luck with that. I don't think you could find one if you tried. Let's face it little brother," Lucifer stooped in front of Castiel, "There isn't a damn thing I want from you. There will never be a damn thing I want from you. You will always be the gum on the bottom of my shoe, the scum of the earth. Just another face in the crowd."

"That's where your wrong..." Castiel exposed, Lucifer paused as if to think about this for a moment.

"How am I wrong?" he asked curiously.

Castiel looked up a small smirk, reminiscent of one that Lucifer would wear- plastered on his face. A rough edge in his eyes that no one- not even his own brother- expected from him. "It's a secret, you'll just have to wait and see." he quoted.

Lucifer took a step back, observing his brother. Not many things startled Lucifer, but this was one of the few things that had thrown him a curve ball. "I suppose I will..."

Dean opened his front door, surprised to see Castiel standing there also looking like he had just woken up from a restless nights sleep."I know what Lucifer wants." Castiel said, Bobby and Dean exchanged curious looks. They opened the door allowing their friend inside.

"Okay, okay slow down and explain it again Cas." Dean said, exacerbated. "He's doing what?"

"He's using Sam as an apprentice." Cas repeated for the third time.

Dean reclined on the sofa, "I'm hearing you but I really don't know what that means for us. I mean so he wants to make Sammy into someone who is just like him, I get that. But he has to know it'll never work. Sam's not a killer."

"Dean, everyone can become a killer with the right motivation." Cas replied.

"Thanks, Debby downer." Dean mocked. "I still don't get what we should be so worried about."

"I don't understand what a 'Debby downer' is..." Castiel said quickly, then jumped back on topic, "Lucifer is gearing up to take down Credit Corporation & Consulting-"

"Your daddy runs Credit Corporation & Consulting?" Bobby questioned.

"What's the big significance of this Credit... whatever?" Dean asked not following the conversation at all.

"Credit Corporation & Consulting." Bobby replied, "It's one of the largest companies in the United States- probably in the world. They help to bail the US government out of millions each year by dealing with different businesses. They work with foreign and domestic companies to help keep the government afloat. Whoever controls the company basically can influence the US government as well as a few other governments to make certain decisions. Otherwise they can pull funding and that nation will lose hundreds and they'll stop having someone to help bail out their debt and make negotiations on their behalf. They basically help to make the US government make nice with the rest of the world."

"And they're gonna destroy it?" Dean asked. "That sounds like a level of stupid not even I would touch."

"Not destroy." Cas replied, "Overthrow. Lucifer keeps saying that he's going to destroy it but I don't think that's his intention at all. I think he wants to take control from my father- probably killing him in the process- and use the company to gain control. I mean no one would think anything strange of the company passing from father to son. On the outside it would just look like a harmless transference of power."

"So what this is 'take over the world' level evil?" Dean asked.

"I'm not sure what he plans to do with it." Castiel replied, "I don't know what kind of evil he's cooking up but I can assure you it can be nothing good."

"So what does he need Sam for?" Dean questioned, "I mean it sounds like he could overthrow the place already."

"No. He doesn't have enough soldiers for that yet. At least I don't think that he does." Cas continued, "But, he needs Sam because he needs someone to run things while he's away. He needs to be able to split his attention and forces into two groups. He needs someone he can rely on. I'm not sure why it has to be someone younger then him, why he can't use one of his advisers that he has now. Lucifer wants Sam now so he can start training him for everything that he'll need to know."

"What about school? I know it's a weird thought but... I mean what about it?"

"He'll probably get someone to home school him." Castiel reasoned.

"So what can we do?" Dean asked looking at Castiel.

Cas paused, "We need to get Sam away from him, it'll delay his plans. If we get Sam away from him then perhaps we can delay him and figure out how to get inside. How to be able to stop him."

Bobby sighed, "All sound good in theory but- things never really go smoothly."

"It's our best option." Cas reasoned, "Unless you-"

Castiel was cut off by the sound of the phone ringing. He jumped in his seat a little and dread crossed Dean's face.

Bobby walked over with caution, picking up the phone. Secretly all three of them knew what this phone call was about but none of them wanted to say it. "Hello?" Bobby answered into the speaker. Castiel watched as Bobby's expression turned darker as he listened to whoever was on the phone. "Yes. I understand. Thank you. Yes. Goodbye." he replied, hanging up the phone.

"What is it?" Dean asked gravely.

"That was the hospital." Bobby began, "Apparently, someone came in to check on your mom. And they..."

"What?" Dean repeated, already knowing the answer.

"They had pulled the plug on your mom. She passed away this morning." Bobby finished. "They want someone up at the hospital, so they can identify and talk about arrangements-"

"Dammit!" Dean cursed. Tears slipping from his eyes as he punched the wall in despair. "Lucifer... he did this didn't he?" Dean asked, leaning on the wall for support.

"Yes." Castiel answered, remembering Lucifer's words. He knew that she was going to die- in fact, Cas meeting with him was either the trigger to killing her or it was a distraction so Cas wouldn't go to the hospital to stop them.

"I'm gonna leave you two here. Against my better judgment. Don't do anything stupid, idjits." Bobby said reluctant. He knew that leaving them alone was just about the stupidest thing he could do. But he also knew that they wouldn't come if he asked and they had to act like adults sometime. Bobby grabbed his keys and headed for the door. "I mean it Dean Winchester. If something happens I am gonna come find you and I will kick your ass. In the most loving fatherly way possible."

Dean nodded and watched Bobby go. As soon as his truck was out of the drive way he turned to his companion, eyes brimming with anxiety and frustration. "We've gotta save Sam. Before they kill him too."

"Dean, they won't kill him." Cas replied, as Dean grabbed his keys.

"Not physically." Dean replied heading for the door, Cas grabbed his shoulder but Dean shrugged him off. "I've gotta go Cas."

"Go where?" Cas asked, "You don't even know where to look."

Dean turned slowly to face his friend, "I know. But I've got to go somewhere. I've got to find him Cas. It's my job and now might be the only chance I have to duck Bobby. He may kick my ass later and that's fine, but I have to go save my little brother. Then he can give me all the hell he wants but at least Sam will be safe."

Sympathy flooded Castiel's eyes, "But-"

"He and Bobby are all I have left Cas. Hell, Sam is the only blood relative I have left. Bobby's not flesh and blood, even if he is like my father. Sam, he's family. He's my responsibility, he's the one thing that my dad trusted me enough to take care of. I am a good son, so I'm gonna go do my job. I am gonna save my flesh and blood because that's what family does. No matter what." Dean finalized opening the door.

"If you're going to do something stupid..." Cas sighed, "Then I'm going with you."

Dean watched Cas for a moment, mulling it over. After a long silence he nodded, "Then let's go get this evil son of a bitch."

* * *

_Let's all do stupid things because were cool._

_In all seriousness, this chapter is all full of people making stupid choices and acting on impulse to save the people they care about. And seriously, that never works out well for anyone. Also props to anyone who caught the Vampire Diaries reference, you sir are on your A game.  
_

_So this chapter is broken down into a progression of events, with lots of time skips in between. The first part is the hospital part. The second being the waking up/dream sequence. The third being the conversation between the brothers. The fourth Lucifer and Castiel's conversation. The fifth Castiel's explanation. It's all coming together now... dun dun duuuuuun.  
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_Are you guys ready for the finale?  
_

_I actually think that I teared up when I wrote the dream sequence- no lie. Fun fact, the dream sequence was not originally in my plan for this chapter. It just kind of happened. I woke up this morning and I was like, "DUDE." I wanted to write one more dream sequence before the story was over I guess. Cause I'm fly like that.  
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_Balthazar x Bela interesting thought but for some reason I ship it. Even though they didn't interact in the show... They'd make a hell of a greedy, money/fancy thing loving, pair.  
_

_Next note, writing the Lucifer and Castiel scene was fun. Like really, really fun, except the awkward middle where they're talking about sex. I don't know what it is but whenever I talk about characters having sex I'm like... meep. That's probably why I had no intent on writing one I guess. But it just fit in really well as that low blow moment. So I kept it in. And Castiel's smirk... fear it. What does he have up his sleeve?  
_

_Thanks for the reviews! See you next chapter! I hope you're ready!  
_


	18. Ch 18 Endgame

Ch. 18 Endgame

The warehouse was quiet, in fact- everything seemed too quiet. The calm before the storm he supposed, Cas knew that they were going to be in for a ride. He knew that despite his fake optimism, he doubted that they'd all make it out unscathed. If they made it out at all.

_The notion of any kind of plan like this actually working is absolutely absurd._

Cas let out a gentle sigh, the moon was high in the sky- illuminating the night with its soft glow. The cold air was harsh tonight, even though it was only the very beginning of September it was already cooling down a little. Still, one had to admit it was a fine night to be out.

_It's a beautiful day, for the end of the world._

Dean and Cas sat in the Impalla watching as people passed in and out of the building. "So far I've counted at least eighteen to twenty guys." Dean muttered.

There was no way that this was going to be easy. In fact, it almost seemed like this was impossible- but if they said it was impossible that meant they had to abandon hope. Hopelessness was something that Castiel never wanted to feel again. He never wanted to feel that isolation, that desperation, that absolute feeling of despair. Like being trapped inside a car that was slowly filling with water and not being able to escape. Cas knew that what they were doing was stupid and reckless- but he also knew that he didn't have a choice. If he didn't go with Dean then Dean would have gone alone.

If Dean had gone alone, Cas reckoned that Lucifer would have probably killed him. Although, Sam would beg for Lucifer not to and when he did that Lucifer would see it as his golden opportunity. That would be the point that Sam would be lost forever- somewhere just out of reach.

Lucifer would use that weakness to get Sam to work for him. Cas knew that Lucifer would tell Sam that if he worked for him- if he did everything that Lucifer asked when he asked- he would keep Dean alive. Dean would just be a bargaining chip to Lucifer. Though, he already was a bargaining chip- Lucifer used Dean against Cas every time that he saw him. Part of Cas wanted to just do this alone, so Lucifer wouldn't use Dean any longer.

Castiel watched the front of the warehouse with hesitation, they were parked a ways away but Cas was still afraid that someone could see them. Tree's nearby were giving them cover and the Impalla was already a dark car. Dean took a swig of the coffee that he had brought in a thermos, "So what's the plan? Are we just gonna sit here all night or are we gonna do something?"

"Well we can't just burst through the door." Cas replied, palming his features in frustration. "I mean what do you want to do? We can't just charge in blindly. We'll get killed, or captured, or maimed. I don't know. What do you want to do?"

"I want to save Sammy." Dean answered. "I want to get out of this car and go in guns blazing."

"We don't have any guns." Cas offered pulling out the knife he had used before. "I have this..."

"Alright. We can work with that, here. Give it to me." Dean said. Cas obeyed handing over the knife. Dean opened the car door, stepping out- Cas followed suit. "Alright now what I'm gonna do is toss this rock, when someone comes over were gonna grab him. Then were gonna take his gun and were gonna knock him out. Finally, were gonna get in there. From then on, we'll call it as we see it. Okay?"

"Alright." Cas whispered back. Dean picked up a rock- ducking behind the grass and trees- he waited until he saw someone then he tossed the rock. The guy looked confused, he walked towards the source.

"The hell..?" he said softly. He wandered closer to the boys and Dean cracked a smile. It was working well until he stopped in front of the trees. "Is that a car?"he asked. Dean looked over to Cas.

"Change in plans." he said before jumping out from the brush. The guy started to yell but Dean had him before he could get out the right sounds. "Quiet buddy, were trying to keep a low profile." Dean smiled, dragging him into brush. "Now," Dean began holding the knife up to the guys throat. "How many guys are inside?"

"I-I don't know..." he said weakly. Castiel reached over and took the gun out of the guys pants. "Lilith left about an hour ago with a small band of guys but I don't know an exact number. Look- I'm just- I'm a kid who got mixed up in the wrong crowd. Come on- please don't kill me- I- I have a family."

Dean rolled his eyes, "Is Lucifer in there?"

"Yes." The boy shook, "But you- you have to go through the big three to get to him-"

"Big three?" Dean echoed looking at Castiel.

Castiel nodded, "The big three. They're Lucifer's closest soldiers. Crowley who works in all things deal related. He also controls the soldiers for the most part, he does most of the interactions with other people. Then there's Azazel, he's some kind of advisor to Lucifer. You know when you're dealing with him, he has prosthetic yellow eyes- he's blind. Lastly, there's Alastair he's in the information business as you would call it. He deals with torturing people to get information. If they're all there were going to have some problems."

"His information right?" Dean asked looking at the scared boy in his arms.

"Yes."

"One more question. Is Sam there?" Dean finished.

"Yes- I mean- as far as I know- none of us really get to see him..." the boy responded. Dean hit his captive on the back of the head, rendering him unconscious.

"Alright I don't know how long we have." Dean said looking to Cas, "Here you take the knife." Dean handed over the knife to Cas, since it was his knife anyway. Cas tossed the gun to Dean, Dean loaded it with the clip and turned the safety off, "It's times like this I'm glad my dad taught me how to load a gun."

Dean nodded his head and Castiel rose behind him. The two waited until no one was outside the warehouse, then they pushed forward. Dean stood in front of the door nodding at Cas. A deep knot formed in Castiel's stomach, something about this was too easy. He felt like he should be having more trouble with this. Cas nodded at Dean, who tried to give a reassuring smile. The two held still, waiting for the strength to push the door open.

Cas knew in his heart that something awful was about to happen. He knew in his heart that something was going to go wrong. It felt like they had entered the room in a movie- they knew that the monster was behind them but they were too scared to turn around.

There was no way to describe the horrible feeling that he had in his gut. There was no way to describe the awful feeling that something was going to go wrong- yet not knowing how to stop it. Though, Cas supposed that could be the way to describe his entire life. It was strange, now that he thought about it.

This was the same feeling he had his entire life. He knew that Lucifer held all the cards, he just had to pull out one chip. Cas just needed to show Lucifer something that he wanted. He had a few ideas of what to do but still he was hesitating. "Dean..." Cas said softly, Dean gazed over. "I- I-"

"Cas you okay?" Dean whispered. In this moment Cas felt like he was going to throw up, there were words that he needed to say but they were stuck. He watched as Dean's eyes flickered around his face- observing his features.

"I-" he sighed, deciding to settled for something else- instead of what he wanted to say. "I'll be right back." A soft flicker of disappointment crossed Dean's face but it vanished just as soon as it had come. Cas pulled off his trench coat- turning away. He ran back to the Impalla silently and threw it inside. Returning to Dean's side.

"What was that for?" Dean asked quietly.

"I need it to stay safe." Castiel responded, "I need it to remain innocent." Dean shrugged leaning on the door. He heaved a sigh, turning back to look at Castiel. "Are you ready?" Cas asked. Dean nodded ready to take the final charge.

Castiel stepped back from the door, Dean did too. Cas thrust his foot forward, throwing the door open and Dean burst in holding up the gun. The doors flew backwards hitting the wall with a satisfying thud.

"Ah. I was wondering when you boys would come inside." a controlled British accent cheered. "It's nice to see you. Glad you came."

The warehouse had one big room, just as Sam had described in the hospital. There was a staircase straight back from the door that led to the second floor where Crowley stood- gripping the railing. Ten or fifteen soldiers were behind him, though they seemed to be relaxed- only a few were even paying attention to the fact that the boys had entered the room. On the second floor was lounge furniture, most of it was worn down but it was at least sit able- to anyone who didn't have a problem with cleanliness. Most of the people were sitting on the furniture- though a few clung to the railings- most of them appeared to have beers and were eager to watch the show.

Then on the ground floor were another ten to twelve soldiers, all armed with weapons- though none of them had guns drawn. That was at least some kind of a start. Cas glanced around the room, the floor was cement. Though it was broken up and there appeared to be blood on the ground- that wasn't intimidating or anything. The floor was also worn, there were cracks and places with a type of water damage. Almost a discoloration in certain places- probably from years of use. Still Cas guessed if push came to shove and he was knocked to the ground- bashing a head into the concrete was a good option.

Along the walls were different weapons, pictures, and antique car parts. Though Cas judged distance and figured out that they would never reach anything of use in time- even if they sprinted. There was furniture around on the main floor but most of it was over in corners, different couches and arm chairs, there were some tables around too, a fridge, and in one corner there was a pool table. There was also a bar looking area in one corner- complete with bar stools and racks of wine. None of that really mattered though- they weren't here to have a good time they were here for Sam.

The whole place kind of gave off a bar vibe, from the decorations to the lighting- there was just something edgy about the place. Or maybe it was just all the threatening looking people who wanted to watch Dean and Cas get in a fight with some of their own. "Well... gotta say I'm a little disappointed. I thought there'd be more of you." Dean said to the warehouse. A few of the foot soldiers laughed, some looked irritated, and others just didn't care.

"Cute." Crowley said out loud, observing his nails in boredom. "We knew you boys were coming. Apparently Sparkles over there has a bit of a hole in his memory- forgetting we had eyes on the Winchester house. Tsk. Tsk. We knew from the moment you left. You boys are in just a spot of trouble. I mean really, what about this seemed like a good idea?"

"Give us back Sam." Dean replied dangerously, taking a step forward.

Crowley rolled his eyes, "I'm 'fraid not. Wave that gun all you want, were not gonna just hand him over."

"I said give him back." Dean repeated.

"And I said no, either way were both getting bupkis." Crowley quipped.

Dean took another step forward, "You son of a bitch. He's my brother and I'm not leaving here without him. So you either kill me now, or you give him back."

"Sigh." Crowley retorted, "I mean we were told that you were a bit of a one trick pony- simpleton with a one track mind but this is just boring. Repetition is never much fun Dean, you should learn to be more creative in your comebacks. Witty banter is so rewarding when you know what you're doing."

"Crowley. If you knew we were coming why didn't you just catch us outside the place?" Castiel asked.

"Because this here- this is more fun." Crowley replied with a mischievous smirk.

"Tearing families apart is fun for you?!" Dean shouted.

Crowley paused, then smiled, "Actually, yes, now that you mention it." Crowley strolled across the top platforming watching his prey. Cas knew they were cornered, he knew he'd have to pull out that bargaining chip now or else they would lose right now. At the moment Crowley was the cat with his mouse trapped in a corner, he was just pawing at them now.

"Give me back Sam!" Dean shouted.

"Eh- I'd like to... but I can't." Crowley replied, "Funny thing about bargaining, you have to have something that I want- 'fraid you don't. So I think I'll have to pass."

Dean started to protest but Castiel put a hand out in front of him. Dean stopped to observe his friend, "Lucifer said the same thing. I want to talk to him."

"I'm hurt. Am I not good enough for you?" Crowley asked, pretending to be insulted.

"You won't hold the same value in the bargaining chip." Castiel replied. "So I need to talk to him."

"Well tough. He's busy, breaking in his new apprentice. I'm afraid I'm all you boys will get right now, so whatever you have to offer- you're gonna have to tell little old me." Crowley paced the stretch of the stairs, "Though if it makes you feel better sparkles, Lucifer has told me a few of the things that would be okay to exchange for Sam. So give it your best go. I'm listening."

"Me." Castiel replied.

"What? Cas no." Dean jumped.

"That's just vague enough to work." Crowley remarked, "Explain your terms."

Cas took another few steps forward, "See, I realized something. Lucifer told me there was nothing that I could give him that would make him bargain back Sam. Before that though, he went on a long speech about how Dean wasn't worth my while. When he went on that speech I realized, it was one of his techniques. See, Lucifer was trying to disconnect me and make me vulnerable."

"When the hell did he tell you that?" Dean asked, but he was ignored.

"And that's relevant because...?" Crowley asked bored, walking over to a table and pouring himself a drink.

"He never wanted Sam. He wanted me, he wants my head on a stick, but more then that he wants to ruin my life and uprooting my life and molding me is the perfect way to do that. In fact, I'm willing to bet he put Sam in my path so that I would have something to lose. And caring about Dean, that was just one big bonus to him. He can't kill his brothers but he could kill Sam and he could kill Dean. He needed me to be attached, needed me to have something to lose so I could be remade."

"It didn't make sense that he'd pick a random stranger as someone he'd want to teach everything too. He may have taken an interest in Sam, but not for the reasons he let me believe. All of this was a trap, a trap for me. This whole time he wanted his brother, in fact he's probably setting every sibling up figuring that if I fall in line- so will everyone else. Then we can all be a family, united against Michael and dad. All of us can adore him- he can be the idol."

"He never wanted Sam, he wanted me. So I'm offering up myself, let Sam and Dean Winchester walk out of here alive and well. Let them go and I'll do whatever he says, on the conditions that Sam and Dean are left alone, same thing with Gabe and Balthazar." Castiel finished a heavy silence hanging in the air. He was either right, or he was about to look like the biggest jackass in the world.

"Plus just now when you said you knew what Lucifer wanted. That's proof as to why you haven't touched us yet. In order for any deal to work, in order for me to cooperate Dean and Sam have to be alive. Enough hints had to be dropped that I would figure it out. You just confirmed my suspicions."

Crowley smiled, he clapped his hands together. "Clever boy. Now I see why Lucifer wants you. So you knew this before then? You knew you were walking into a trap?"

"I knew it wasn't a trap. It was a negotiation." Castiel replied.

"You knew?!" Dean replied angrily only to be promptly ignored.

"You knew that we would know if you told the Winchesters. You told them on purpose didn't you? You told them where we were so we'd set it up this meeting for you didn't you?" Crowley asked.

"Yes." Cas returned. "I knew if I told Dean and Bobby, Lucifer would know I had figured it out. Once he knew that he had won he'd be able to set it up so that I could negotiate what I wanted, in exchange for myself."

"Clever. But you left out one part." Crowley smiled wickedly.

"And what's that?" Castiel asked.

"The part where you prove that you're what he's looking for. The part where you prove that you're just like him." Crowley returned. "Those soldiers aren't just there for show, you're going to kill them before I'll accept any kind of deal."

"Fine." Castiel replied.

"What." Dean breathed. "No, Cas you can't! No matter how evil they are you can't just kill them. You can't do this. Any of this. There's another way." Dean grabbed a hold of his friends arm holding on tightly. "Come on Cas you aren't a killer."

"Didn't you listen? Everyone can become a killer with the right motivation." Cas quoted. Then he turned to Dean, putting a hand on top of Dean's. "Dean. I knew this would happen. I'm prepared for this because I knew it was coming."

"You can't. Cas- I- I can't lose you." Dean whispered. "Please- I"

"Dean." Cas cut off. Pulling his friend forward and kissing him in front of the entire warehouse. He knew this might be one of the last chances that he got, he had to make the most of it. "I'm doing this for you. Because I know, Sam will always mean more to you then I will."

"That doesn't mean that I want to lose you!" Dean argued.

"It's not your choice Dean." Cas replied, his voice level. "I'm doing this for you. I'm doing it because I want you to have a normal life. I'm doing this because... because I care."

"Bull shit! You're doing this because you're afraid." Dean yelled.

"That's just it." Cas smiled gently, "This is the first time in my life that I'm not afraid. This is the first time in a long time that I've felt calm."

"I can't lose you Cas!" Dean repeated.

"You knew from the moment that I met you, you'd lose me. You told me so, that day in the forest. You said there was something about me... that made you afraid you would lose me. I think we both knew how this would end." Cas said softly, "There was only one way this could ever turn out. There was only one way down this road, here we are at the end. Dean, you have to accept that you can't have everyone forever. People die, people grow apart. Were two different people."

"You said you'd be there for me!" Dean shouted.

"For as long as I could." Cas finished. "You should know... I love you and I'm sorry."

Dean froze, Cas turned away letting Dean's hand fall off his arm. Dean didn't say anything he just watched as his friend stepped out of reach. He was hurt and he was angry but more then anything else, he was just sad. A large hole forming on the inside of his heart. An empty space where love should have been.

"Finally." Crowley groaned. "Now that, that sentimental moment is done. Alastair here is going to hold onto Dean so he doesn't interrupt your fight Cas. Enjoy the brawl. Whenever you're ready."

Castiel stepped forward, hunching his posture so he was a little harder to hit. He pulled out the knife from his pocket and took a beat to prepare himself mentally. This was it. This was the last chance he had to make a difference. His last chance to take a stand against his brother, he could back out and walk away right now if he wanted too.

Though he had been prepping himself from the moment he figured out what Lucifer's plan was, he still didn't feel ready. In a way, Cas felt like he was giving up his life for someone else. There was still so much he hadn't done, so much he still had to learn. Yet here he was throwing it away, for nothing.

_Not nothing, love._

He took one glance back, his eyes empathetic. Maybe the last time that he'd have the chance to be empathetic and understanding. Dean was being held onto by Alastair, his green emeralds misty from the graveness of the situation.

Dean knew that this would be the last time that he would see Castiel in this light. This was the end of Castiel's innocence, in a way it was like Cas was dying. Dean had promised himself that he wouldn't lose anyone else- yet here he was again.

Helpless.

He struggled against his captor, he wanted to take Cas and run but he couldn't. In the moment, not worrying about Sammy, not worrying about Lucifer, or Bobby, his mom, his dad. No one was on his mind but Cas. He just wanted to grab his friend, no- his lover. He wanted to grab him and run, till the ends of the earth. Dean wanted to run until he had no breath.

Dean had always wanted someone like Cas. Someone who could walk into his life and consume everything, every thought, every feeling. It was like Sammy only, it was his choice. Dean had a choice to protect Castiel, to love him, the be his friend. No one had said that he had to do it.

No one told him that he had to "Take care of Cas." Like they had told him to take care of Sam. This was the one thing in his life, that been a completely independent thought.

A single tear rolled down his cheek.

"I'm ready."

Dean closed his eyes knowing things wouldn't ever be the same.

The first man rushed Cas, throwing a right hook. Cas ducked down stabbing him in the stomach with the knife. He grunted- swearing and withdrew pulling the knife from his gut, he tossed it aside and came at Cas again.

Dodge left, duck, dodge right.

The spectators were whooping and cheering on their companions. It was loud and it was distracting and Cas thought it was hard to ignore.

Then the man threw a strike that slammed Castiel's chest. He groaned in pain and then threw a left hook that connected with the guys jaw, another of the guys rushed behind Cas.

"Skin him alive!" someone screamed.

Duck.

"Get that little punk!" another encouraged.

Castiel whipped around, elbowing the guy in the gut. He crumpled and groaned in pain. "Son of a-" he was cut off when Cas threw a power slap right to the jaw, knocking him unconscious.

Someone was booing loudly, it was hard for Castiel's attention to stay on the fight with everything that was happening. It all felt overwhelming, like he was on over drive.

"BOO!"

The first guy returned, whacking Cas in the nose which started bleeding. At first it was just a trickle but as he move more the blood went from a trickling to gushing. Cas threw a straight punch but the man turned sideways and it missed its intended target.

"Hell yeah you dodge that little bitches punch!"

The first guy threw another punch and his target ducked. Kicking forward and knocking him to the ground.

He gasped for air as he hit the cement hard, he whipped out a gun from his pants.

"Shoot him in the head!"

Blood trickled into Castiel's mouth and the bitter taste of iron hung on his tongue. He wanted to turn and spit but his mouth was to dry.

"Blow his brains out!"

_**BANG!**_

The sound of a gunshot at close range was painful. Cas wanted to run and clutch his ears.

_**BANG!**_

The man went off shooting another round that missed Cas, who dodged but just barely- he could feel the heat of the bullet round as it passed by him. Disarming him had to be his top priority now.

_I have to-_

"Come on don't be a piss poor shot!"

The guardian angel smacked the gun away and then stomped on his hands. He kicked the guy upside the head, again and again.

_**CRACK!**_

Cas heard the sound of the guys neck snapping, he shuddered a little hearing the sound.

Then he stooped down grabbing the gun. However, on his way up another guy grabbed Cas around the waist, sending him toppling into the ground.

"Throw his ass to the pavement!"

"Ah-!" Cas tried to break his fall with his arms but he was too late.

He felt the breath escape from his lungs as he hit the hard concrete, the gun flying from his hand. He needed to get the gun back, that could make this fight so much shorter.

"Shit!" Cas yelped. His opponent climbed on top of him, pinning his arms with his knees. He began wailing on Castiel's face. Cas grunted as each punch collided with his jaw. The people up on the second floor whooping and screaming like this was some kind of entertainment.

"Curb stomp. Curb stomp." they chanted.

"Dammit." Dean muttered, helpless. He wanted to jump the guy himself and start beating him but it wasn't his fight and he couldn't get away from Alastair. "GET UP!" he screamed at Cas.

Crowley yawned taking another drink, he was barely even watching the brawl.

Cas wiggled up until he managed to pull one arm out, socking the guy hard in the face. Using his opponent's moment of pain, to flip and mount his opponent. He reached down grabbing the guys head and started trying snap his neck, when someone came up behind him and tried to choke him out.

_Get away. Get away. Get away._

The man dragged him backwards off of his friend, holding Castiel in a choke hold. He drew a knife cutting Cas up the left arm, a nasty gash that made Cas feel dizzy. He felt the blood rushing out of his skin. All of it trying to escape at once.

Cas squirmed trying to get space to breath but his captor held on tight. He threw his elbow backwards in a last ditch effort to escape, the man let go dropping Castiel to the floor.

He gasped for air as another guy came at him, he rolled the side grabbing the gun. Cas clicked the safety off and shot point blank.

_**BANG!**_

Warm blood splattered on his face and hands. His breath hitched trying to absorb the reality of what he had just done. The room stood still for a moment, it seemed the whole world stood still for just a moment.

Dean watched in horror seeing the life suddenly disappear from the man's eyes as his blood flew across the ground and across his angel. He couldn't believe his friend, who could never hurt a fly had shot someone.

As if a flip had switched Castiel rose his poker face returned. He pistol whipped one guy upside the head, knocking him out and shot two others.

_**BANG!**_

_**BANG!**_

One he killed the other was injured and would probably bleed out.

Two of the guys who were left whipped out their guns and pointed them at Cas, who ran to duck behind a table.

_**BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!**_

The viewers screamed knowing that Castiel was trapped. They were excited for the kill since Cas had killed some of their friends.

"Stop."

A voice rang over the room everyone froze. Lucifer took a step out, Azazel was also there holding Sam by the arm. Sam squirmed trying to get away, everyone seemed to wait for instructions.

"Sammy." Dean said softly.

Lucifer and Azazel walked together until they were in the middle of the set of stairs. Lucifer on one side and Azazel holding Sam on the other. Lucifer glanced irritated at Crowley, "I said test him, not kill him. He's no good to me dead."

Crowley cracked a sheepish grin, "You said I could be creative. I figured a match to the death was creative. I mean look at him, he's bloody but he's alive. Everyone else enjoyed it-"

"I have lost men because of your _creativity, _Crowley." Lucifer said with disgust.

Cas stepped out from behind the table, his body bloody- only some of it was his. He had a nasty bloody nose, and he probably had a concussion. His body was already starting to scream and ache, he clutched his left arm which was still bleeding and stood a broken man.

Lucifer sighed, "I should have your head for this."

Azazel smiled, "Oh you knew this would happen, Crowley always gets over zealous."

Lucifer nodded, the two of them walking down to the bottom of the stair case. Lucifer crossing the room and standing in front of his little brother. Azazel standing still holding Sam, who exchanged looks with Dean. "Castiel."

"Lucifer." he replied weakly.

"Do you agree to join me, in exchange for the Winchesters freedom? In exchange for throwing away your old life and doing what I say, when I say it. No more Winchesters after tonight, no more Balthazar, no more Gabriel." Lucifer asked.

Castiel glance over at Dean, then he looked at Sam. Both of them with grim expressions on their faces, a pained look in their eyes. Cas took a moment to himself to say goodbye to the people that he loved the most. "I do." he responded.

"Alright. Get the Winchesters out of here, but first, give them a chance to say goodbye to their friend." Lucifer replied, "Everyone clear out! Azazel take them into the other room to give them some privacy. Crowley, bury the dead. Everyone else, shows over get back to your jobs."

Azazel nodded, "Sam, Dean, Castiel. Follow me."

They entered another room in the warehouse, it was pretty much the same as the first room- large with very few pieces of furniture. There were no windows and only one door, Azazel walked out of the room, closing the door behind him.

Castiel stood still, not knowing what to say. He wiped his nose on his shoulder, feeling slightly disturbed by the amount of blood that came off. Sam took a few steps forward and then threw his arms around Castiel. Who grunted when his body collided with the younger Winchester. "We'll save you Cas." he said softly.

"I know Sam..." Cas responded.

"I promise." Sam finished. He held onto Castiel as if it was the last time he would ever see him again- for all he knew this could be the last time he saw him. Sam promised he would save him but he didn't have one clue how. He didn't know who to ask or what to do. So he held on tightly.

Then he let go, his eyes filled with pain and sympathy. He walked towards the door leaving Dean and Cas in an awkward silence.

"You have to stop him." Castiel finally began. Dean looked up, observing the extent of the injuries on his friend. "He can't save me, neither can Gabe, neither can Balthazar. Neither can you. None of you can come and get-"

"You can't expect me to do that Cas." Dean interrupted. "You can't expect me to sit on my ass and do nothing."

"That's exactly what I expect you to do." Cas responded, "I expect you to keep your brother safe- and if you can, keep my brother and cousin safe too. I expect you to go back to school and graduate and be normal. I expect you to find some girl have a couple of kids, be happy and get whatever it is you want out of life."

"I want you. Cas. You." Dean explained."I mean sure, Sammy means a hell of a lot to me so does Bobby. I'll go home and I'll try to be normal but all I will think about is you. How much I miss you and how much I care about you. How worried I am..."

"Don't be." Cas said, his eyes glistening with sorrow. "I told you- I'm doing this for you. I'm doing it because I want to save you Dean."

Dean let his eyes fall to the ground. "You're an idiot."

"If it saves you, then I'm okay with being an idiot." Castiel answered.

"You're my friend Cas." Dean said weakly.

"And I always will be." Cas assured. "Whether you know it or not. I'll always be there, watching you from the shadows. Keeping you safe from harm."

"My own guardian angel." Dean replied trying to fake a small smile.

"Yes." Cas replied, his eyes growing cold and distant already.

"So this is it?" Dean asked.

"I-" Cas began.

"Just shut up and kiss me goodbye." Dean interrupted, taking a step forward and kissing his friend. For all he knew, this would be their very last kiss. The kiss wasn't that enjoyable, Castiel was still bleeding so it tasted of iron- but that didn't matter to either of them. To them it was a way of finding closure in their relationship- if you could even call it a relationship.

It was a way of finding meaning in an otherwise meaningless existence. Dean needed that closure, he needed that meaning because without that- what would it all amount to? Castiel was willing to give that closure because the truth was that he needed it too. Neither of them really knew how to say goodbye- or perhaps they just didn't know if this was goodbye. So instead they decided it would be better to share a kiss.

It was their last kiss.

Dean hesitated, letting himself linger in the after thought. No matter what the kiss tasted like, he wanted Castiel's lips to remain on his tongue forever. He knew that if he broke their stare, if he turned away he was truly admitting that it was over. Dean wasn't sure that he was ready to give up yet. But it was impossible to do anything but give up- all the cards hand been dealt. The last hand had just been played, he knew he had to lose. He just wished that he could make this moment last just a little bit longer.

He watched Castiel's intense stare, watched as his blue eyes examined the features on his face- as if observing him for the last time. It almost reminded him of when they had met in the hospital, the conversation they had about eyes being gemstones. If a pair of eyes could be bought and sold based on their appearance, Dean would guess that Castiel's stare would be priceless. No one could afford to have his gaze, no one could match him. When Castiel was staring, with his longing and soul searching eyes- no one could buy that. No one deserved the right to own them.

Dean looked down softly, letting his eyes fall away and then he turned away heading for the door. Though he was stopped by Castiel's voice. "Is it normal to up and leave after kissing someone?"

Dean stopped in his tracks remembering that Cas had said that after their first kiss. He turned back to look at his friend one last time. A small smiled was exchanged between the two boys before Azazel escorted Dean out. Leaving Castiel alone in an empty room. In a way, it wasn't very different from how he had began. He was always being left alone, he always had a distance from everyone and everything.

A star in the big black empty, a fish in the deep cold depths. Alone in the universe a person searching for someone else. Everyone was the same, at least they all started the same. Alone. Things begin and things end, just the same. Castiel met Dean in a mental hospital when he was in the dark- when he was alone. Now Dean had left him standing in an empty room- alone.

He chuckled a little to himself.

In the short time that he had known the Winchesters he felt like that distance had been reached. Like someone had found a way to damn the levee we know as loneliness. Someone had reached up and grabbed the balloon before it had the chance to float out of the atmosphere. The star had found a planet that would orbit it. To find someone- a friend, a family, a loved one- was to bridge the gap just a little.

In a way- that's what life was all about right? Finding a way to interact with someone different from yourself.

Everyone is different, everyone is made up in different ways. They come from different places. Names, age, gender, personality, desires, goals, fears, hopes, and dreams- they all define us as people. When someone is different, we are cautious of it afraid that it might hurt us if we let it. Yet that is exactly what life is about, letting people in and being hurt. Then letting them in again, because although we are hurt we are also together.

A small smile flickered on Castiel's face.

For once in his life he didn't feel lonely. That was an accomplishment in itself. So now no matter what happened. No matter what pain he felt, or who he killed. No matter who he became. No matter what kind of wrongs he committed, he would always have the knowledge that there was a time when everything was okay.

A time when he had reached and someone had reached back.

And that was good enough for him.

* * *

_Stay tuned! There's one more chapter!_

_Thanks for all the reviews, for all of the favoriting that you've done, and all of the reading you've done. We've passed the 80,000 mark on words which means this story is the average size of a novel. Hurrah.  
_

_Like I said, there's one final chapter which really kind of is just a closing chapter. You could probably get away with not reading it if you wanted, since it's falling action but hey. You might as well you've stuck with me this far! And it'll help you to see a little bit of where I might be going in the continuation.  
_

_The dreaded conclusion.  
_

_Thanks! See you next chapter!  
_


	19. Ch 19 Worker Bee

Ch. 19 Worker Bee

"_It's been a good year, a good new beginning.  
I'm through with the old school so let's commence the winning.  
I've been a good little worker bee.  
I deserve a gold star."_

Dean groaned, looking at his face in the mirror. He looked like hell, his hair was a wreck, there were bags under is eyes, and he wasn't even trying to hide the fact that he was miserable. At least, not yet- once his day began he had to like happy, smile often. At least when people were looking.

_They say that endings are always the hardest part. To which one should agree, whole heartedly. Most people say that its a good thing, that when you end you can begin again. That in ending you have opened yourself up to a whole new world of experiences. Experiences that you never would have had if you weren't open to them._

He pulled back the shower curtain, turning the nob. The water started pouring out, making a soft hissing. Dean sighed and brushed his teeth, finding a seat on the counter top. If his mother was still alive she would scold him for sitting there. He knew that he should move but he didn't have much of a desire to.

_The problem is, what if you aren't ready to move on in life? Maybe that's why beginning after a grand ending is so hard. When you blow out the candles and make a wish there's nothing left for you. There's nothing left but to move on to the cake, yet in some ways I never want to move on to the cake. _

_Why?_

_Well, here's why; I'm always waiting for that wish to come true. When I blow out the candles and I make a wish, when the smoke rises towards the sky- I secretly hope that the smoke will take my wish up. The smoke will rise up, past the atmosphere and past the satellites in space. The smoke will rise past the heavens themselves and when it does, the smoke that carries my wish will be caught by god himself. He'll hear my wish, decoding it from the smoke._

_When he decodes that wish. I hope that someday he'll send that wish to me. That wish will come back, it will come true. I want that wish to come back to me. I never want to eat that cake because if I do, maybe my wish won't come true. I don't know what it is that makes feel that way. I guess if I eat that cake then I will be moving past that moment._

Castiel shoved the doors open to his new bedroom. He was instantly greeted with the smell of mildew, rust, and himself. He stripped off his dress shirt- tossing it aside and groaning. The blood that was on his shirt had soaked through to his skin. Fantastic.

_If I move past that moment then I'm admitting to myself that it's a silly ideal. Wishes won't ever come true, no matter how long you wait. It's stupid to think that god gives a damn about anyone else. It's childish to think that if you wish upon a star, or throw a penny in the well something will happen. Father time doesn't have time to stop and grant a little kids wishes. There's not enough time in the world to grant everyone a wish._

_If wishes did come true, what would dictate who got wishes and who didn't? Who can judge whose wish is worth granting? That's like saying if your a good person you'll be rewarded with a wish- but if you're only good to get a wish then are you really good at all? _

Cas stalked over to his dresser and pulled out a towel, wiping his chest clean. He paused to observe himself in the mirror, he looked like hell, his hair was a wreck, he had bags under his eyes because he hadn't had a decent night of sleep in weeks, and he looked absolutely miserable.

_It's an interesting idea, when you really think about it. Though I suppose it doesn't really matter much, now does it? Anyway, I guess its like I just said, endings are hard._

_In fact, when we aren't ready to let go they're damn near impossible. _

It had been months since that night in the warehouse, but every once and a while Dean could still feel his head reeling from the events. He leaned against the shower wall, then he grabbed his shampoo. He followed his usual routine of doing a small scalp massage as he washed up.

Even though Castiel wanted Dean to have a normal life, Dean didn't ever think that he would. He had dropped out of school for the second semester- much to Bobby and Sam's dismay. But Dean knew that Sam was gonna need money if he wanted to be a lawyer- with Bobby supporting them just barely he needed to make up the extra money. Sam was going to go to college, Dean was determined to make it so.

_That's right, they say when you're a kid you can do anything you want. Anything that you set your mind to, anything at all is achievable. They're wrong though, there are things that are impossible. You want to know why they're impossible?_

_Because if you open yourself up to try and achieve them you open yourself to be hurt. You open yourself, you become vulnerable, and when you are that's when you're hurt. That's when they take everything that you have and they throw it back at you._

_When we are open to success, we are also open to failure. The biggest success warrants the biggest failure. The happiest moments lead to the saddest defeats. _

_That's what I've learned in life._

_That sometimes its best not to try because when you do you will fail. When you dare to be happy you are open to being broken. Being broken like a branch in a storm. I never want to be broken like that again. I never want to be that susceptible to anything that's out there, never again._

Dean walked into his bedroom, seeing his memento from his friend Castiel on his dresser. He runs his finger tips over top of the top of the tan trench coat. It feels soft but it also feels worn, like ages of time have worn away the coat.

"You got your wish." the older Winchester said softly.

"_Gone are the glad hands, the black holes and liars,  
the constant companions, obnoxious suppliers.  
Carnivore kings milking holiday sins,  
comas and cashmere."_

Castiel paced over to his bed, hitting the mattress with a soft bounce. He closed his eyes, trying to pretend he wasn't living with his psychopath of a brother. He was also trying to pretend that his bedroom wasn't in a warehouse in the middle of nowhere. He thought about his friend, the one he had left stranded and alone. The one who was afraid to lose, yet he lost the most.

"Dean." he said, the sound disappearing into thin air, "Are you well?"

_You can spend years thinking and questioning life. When your broken you have a tendency to look back asking questions. Was that really what I wanted? Why do I always have to put double meanings behind what I say? What about that really hurt my feelings? _

_In the end I guess I don't really know. I don't know anything at all. In fact, I don't think I ever will know anything at all. _

"At least I think its your wish..." he trailed off, "I'm not really sure, the whole thing is kind of vague."

_It's funny how you realize that no matter how hard you try, no matter what you do, its not your choice to know someone. You can push all you want, you can give them all the open doors you want but in the end you'll only know what they want you to._

"I hope you know, I'm getting by." Castiel lied to no one.

_You can spend years and years with someone, or you could spend only a couple of months with them. In that time, you can learn all you want but you're just gonna be wondering if its a half truth. How do you know if what someone tells you is real? How do you know what's real and what isn't? How do you know any of it is the truth? How do you know what's a lie and what isn't?_

_The cruel reality is, you don't._

Tears pricked in Dean eyes, "It's funny, I haven't cried since the warehouse. I thought that I'd be a mess every night. When I'm alone, I still... I think about you."

_We don't know anything for sure._

Castiel chuckled softly to himself, "You know I still think about you from time to time. Especially when I'm alone..."

_It's strange that people always think of their loved ones when they're alone. It's strange that people tend to idolize those we've lost. We can't apologize to them, so instead we put them up on a pedal-stool. We think that if we treat them, look up to them, respect them now it will somehow make up for all the bad things we've done. All the things we regret but we can't make right._

_But were wrong, we can't just make things better. We can't just fix the things we've broken. The dead can't talk back and the dead can't forgive us. Even if they aren't really dead, talking to yourself in a mirror won't fix your problems. Idolizing someone and apologizing when there's no one there won't let them know how sorry you really are._

"Cas." Lucifer repeated.

Castiel rolled over, looking at his brother. "What? What do you need?"

"Nothing really. You just looked like you were dead. How much have you been sleeping?" his brother asked sitting on the end of the bed.

"About- I don't know..." Cas groaned, closing his eyes. "The PTSD keeps me up most nights, if the depression doesn't. Then the autism just ruins everything else."

"Half of its my fault... I'm s-"

"No you aren't." Cas replied without letting his brother finish, "Now either tell me what you really want from me, or shut up and get out of my room. I need sleep."

"_It went from no good to fucked up and over.  
a total distortion of lifelong disorders,  
barreling headfirst through fresh open wounds.  
This, I was not used to."_

"Good morning Dean!" the younger Winchester called.

"Morning Sammy." Dean replied, pulling up a chair and mooching Sam's food. Sam swatted his brother but Dean didn't care.

"So are you working tonight?" Sam asked.

"Yeah, I'll be in late tonight." Dean responded, "Why what is it?"

"Oh. Its- its nothing... not really." Sam dismissed, then Dean gave him a glance to ask what was wrong. "I just, I wanted to watch a movie with you..."

"Sorry Sammy, not tonight. Tuesday we might be able to swing it though."

_The only thing that we can do, is try and prevent them from breaking. We can try our best to keep our relationships stable. We do everything that we can to keep the people that we love close. We do everything that we can to make sure those people see us in the light we want._

_The reality is, were always going to make mistakes. Were going to have slip ups that cause us to reveal our faults and flaws. We think that those flaws and faults make us less desirable. Thus we put on a false front, our confidence, our appearance, our attitude, our everything can be false. So how do we really know what's real?_

_Everything we do, we do for others. We just want to be loved, we just want to be excepted by others- were too afraid that our differences or their loss will keep us apart._

_Yet its the differences and the faults that make us who we are. It's the mistakes we make and how we handle them that define us as a person. Our experiences make us flawed, our flaws make us human._

Castiel groaned hearing Lucifer slam the door. He was pissed, Cas was amazed that he didn't punch him for being disrespectful. Cas closed his eyes, knowing that if he slept he was going to have nightmares. He sighed, letting the demons in his head in- despite his hatred for them.

"_Now that my words don't quite do what they should,  
now that old wounds are resurfacing too,  
it makes me feel golden.  
It makes me feel good."_

Dean walked to the car, he worked three jobs now. He figured he didn't want the time to think about what could have been and what could have been done differently. Dean shoved the keys in the ignition slot. He backed out carefully but with ease and started down the long stretch of road to his dad's old car shop.

_In the end, what does it all really add up too? _

_Maybe nothing._

_Or maybe its this; if you want to be accepted then you have to try. If you try, you have to know that you will fail sometimes. You can lose things when you fail, friends or family, sometimes even strangers you've just met. But you have to fail sometimes because otherwise you'd never succeed. Those failures don't make you bad, just flawed and you should know that its okay to be flawed. Our flaws are what define us, our experiences make us who we are. _

_So try, don't try. Succeed, or fail. Sink, or swim. Love, or hate. Live, or hide. _

_The opposites and extremes we use to define things aren't really opposites at all. You can't have one without the other, you cannot have success without failure. You cannot have love without hate. You cannot stop trying until you know how to try._

_Everything is interconnected. Everyone is apart of something bigger. We are all part of a grand scheme. That only amounts to questions with no answers. _

_Who am I to say how to live? Who am I to tell you what it all means?_

_I'm just someone who's been hurt. Someone whose lost love, someone whose made mistakes. _

The radio was blaring some kind of new age, alternative crap. Though Dean hesitated using the word crap, it really wasn't that bad. It was just something that was different. Still he figured maybe he should turn it off. Just one button and the song would click off.

"_It's been a good year, a good new beginning.  
I'm through with the old school so let's commence the winning _

_I've been a good little worker bee.  
I deserve a gold star." _

"_A gold star.  
I deserve a gold star today."_

_**Click.**_

_Fin._


End file.
